So I'm scrolling through resume snapshots and see a resume headline that says "Vampire looking for new blood supply!"
My ill-suited sense perks up, sensing I'm about to find some fresh form of idiocy to bring to you, Dear Reader.
I click on the link, all ready for my usual rush of superiority, when...
Oh.
It's a resume of a phlebotomist. You know, someone who draws blood.
So it's actually kind of appropriate, not just some moron trying to be goth.
While I'm generally not a fan of anything cutesy-poo in business (if I have to be fuddy-duddy, YOU have to be fuddy-duddy), when someone has specialized in something, has hard skills and needed to go through special education, there's a little more wiggle room for personality.
And beyond being appropriate to the career (albeit a little graphic, but hell, if you're in the healthcare industry, you're probably used to it), it's attention-getting. It made me click on it.
Soooo...good on ya, Phlebotomist! Unfortunately, I'm not hiring for that position right now, but the ill-suit wishes you good luck with your job search!
Friday, September 29, 2006
What college was that again?
Remind me never to recruit from there (see below from resume).
"Some College Coursework Completed
i just took general office classes,i didn't finish to get my degree,family issueswhich have been long since taken care of.i am only 3 credits short for gettin a degree in office tech/bussiness mangment classes."
Obviously one of the credits missing is "Rudimentary Grammar/Spelling 101."
"Some College Coursework Completed
i just took general office classes,i didn't finish to get my degree,family issueswhich have been long since taken care of.i am only 3 credits short for gettin a degree in office tech/bussiness mangment classes."
Obviously one of the credits missing is "Rudimentary Grammar/Spelling 101."
Cubicle Death Match
From cover letter:
"At 51 years old, I have had many varied experiences that I feel would benefit any employer...I freely admit that I may be a little rusty, but, that would in no way be a detriment. It fact, it would cause me to focus more on what needs to be done. And, in this day and age, with our 'I want it now!' attitudes, I feel more people could use a little more focus."
I say why bother interviewing? Let's pit this dude against Ice Floe and who ever comes out alive gets the gig.
"At 51 years old, I have had many varied experiences that I feel would benefit any employer...I freely admit that I may be a little rusty, but, that would in no way be a detriment. It fact, it would cause me to focus more on what needs to be done. And, in this day and age, with our 'I want it now!' attitudes, I feel more people could use a little more focus."
I say why bother interviewing? Let's pit this dude against Ice Floe and who ever comes out alive gets the gig.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I'm not sure how you break into the accounting industry...
...but I have a feeling indicating a desired pay rate of $9/YEAR is not the best way to indicate to a potential employer that you are careful with numbers.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Well, Let's Just Put Them on an Ice Floe.
From an actual resume:
"Also, most of the staff in my department are old enough that their generation lacks the want to comprehend computers....I always find a way to make sure that they (no matter how computer illiterate they may be) understands what has happened before I leave."
Look, dude, having been the young gun in an office before, I kinda hear what you are saying.
But you know what those old folks might know that you clearly don't?
NOT TO INSULT A LARGE SEGMENT OF THE POPULATION IN YOUR RESUME.
Did you see something on the jobsite that indicated: "All the people will be viewing your resume will be younger than 50?"
Or did you assume that anyone old enough to be offended would be too "computer illiterate" to ever see your resume?
I have nearly no patience with people who can't figure out technology but I'll take "computer illiterate" over "total lack of common sense" nearly any day.
I "lack the want" to call you about this job.
Going to dunk head in cold water.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
"Resume Headline: College grad wanting fun job that travels"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ahhhhh, youth. [Wipes away tears of laughter.]
It's not that it can't happen. One of my friends from high school has gotten precisely that life for herself. By being entrepreneurially-minded. By making it happen herself.
Youth = the serene trusting optimism inherent in thinking that making that your resume headline on Monster will get you that life.
As though there are recruiters and hiring managers in a corporate conference room somewhere, exhausted, rumpled, surrounded by coffee cups and bottles of water, one of them saying:
"How on EARTH are we going to attract job seekers? How are we going to fill these positions? I mean, they're just FUN. And involve TRAVEL. Who on earth is going to do THAT? For a PAYCHECK? Can somebody go check Monster again?"
Sits down dejectedly, tossing down the flip chart marker.
Ahhhhh, youth. [Wipes away tears of laughter.]
It's not that it can't happen. One of my friends from high school has gotten precisely that life for herself. By being entrepreneurially-minded. By making it happen herself.
Youth = the serene trusting optimism inherent in thinking that making that your resume headline on Monster will get you that life.
As though there are recruiters and hiring managers in a corporate conference room somewhere, exhausted, rumpled, surrounded by coffee cups and bottles of water, one of them saying:
"How on EARTH are we going to attract job seekers? How are we going to fill these positions? I mean, they're just FUN. And involve TRAVEL. Who on earth is going to do THAT? For a PAYCHECK? Can somebody go check Monster again?"
Sits down dejectedly, tossing down the flip chart marker.
Friday, September 22, 2006
"Talk Like a Pirate" Day is Over
Please update your resume accordingly.
"I feel that my qualifications for this position is that I have strong customer service skill due to me working with the public."
.
Me makes them walk the plank...argh!
(Yeah, this is a pretty weak entry but I haven't have enough coffee.)
Thursday, September 21, 2006
JST/HNAR - Recurring Quickie: "E-mail is Free"
So don't use one that has the word "smutt" in it in your job application. Even if there is a modifying adjective that minimizes the impact. Just don't.
JST/HNAR - Quickie: "Aggressive" and "Competitive"
Not the best two words to use to describe yourself on your resume when looking for job involving customer service.
Oh sure, I get what you're driving at (you're a go-getter, you like to succeed), but there are better ways to put it (like, "I'm a go-getter who's driven to succeed") that don't make a recruiter or hiring manager think you're some vein-popping 'roid rage case who will pick up and throw his monitor at a customer if they don't upgrade to midsize so he can meet his quota.
Oh sure, I get what you're driving at (you're a go-getter, you like to succeed), but there are better ways to put it (like, "I'm a go-getter who's driven to succeed") that don't make a recruiter or hiring manager think you're some vein-popping 'roid rage case who will pick up and throw his monitor at a customer if they don't upgrade to midsize so he can meet his quota.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
JST/HNAR - Recurring Quickie 1: "E-mail is Free"
So on your resume, DO NOT USE your e-mail address that contains the phrase "koreanpimp."
Or, for that matter, "africanpimp" or "scandanavianpimp" or "klingonpimp."
Basically, unless you are applying for an internship with Velvet Jones, AVOID THE WORD "PIMP" DURING THE JOB SEARCH. Because it makes you sound like a jackass.
E-mail is free: get one that shows you have a clue what the work world is about.
(P.S. No one said you have to like what the work world is about, which, generally, means fuddy-duddyism. But that's what it is and so go start your own business if you don't like it. Might I suggest a convenience titty bar called "Kum & Go.")
Or, for that matter, "africanpimp" or "scandanavianpimp" or "klingonpimp."
Basically, unless you are applying for an internship with Velvet Jones, AVOID THE WORD "PIMP" DURING THE JOB SEARCH. Because it makes you sound like a jackass.
E-mail is free: get one that shows you have a clue what the work world is about.
(P.S. No one said you have to like what the work world is about, which, generally, means fuddy-duddyism. But that's what it is and so go start your own business if you don't like it. Might I suggest a convenience titty bar called "Kum & Go.")
Unfortunate Names, Episode One
Candidate's resume indicates she worked at the "Kum and Go."
Surprisingly, duties listed did not include pole dancing or pasty twirling. Rather, they seemed to indicate this is some kind of convenience store.
Quick Google search validates that the "Kum and Go" is in fact not only one convenience store with a really questionable name, but an entire CHAIN of them. (Those of you in the Midwest, I suppose this isn't news to you.) www.kumandgo.com (disappointingly SFW)
To which I say: wow. Well, I guess I'm the one with the filthy mind. Guilty! But still. Lordy.
It seems a shame, though, that this fantastic name was wasted on a convenience STORE. Because it's really just crying out to be used for a chain of convenience GENTLEMAN'S CLUBS. Like the McDonald's of titty bars. You Kum, you Go. And everything is plastic so it is easily hosed down each night.
And speaking of stripping-related entrepreneurship, the below product is a genius example of American capitalism on at least a couple levels. Technically SFW, but still might get you a funny look if your co-workers see it.
http://pleaserusa.com/pic/TIP-702-5cbg.jpg
Surprisingly, duties listed did not include pole dancing or pasty twirling. Rather, they seemed to indicate this is some kind of convenience store.
Quick Google search validates that the "Kum and Go" is in fact not only one convenience store with a really questionable name, but an entire CHAIN of them. (Those of you in the Midwest, I suppose this isn't news to you.) www.kumandgo.com (disappointingly SFW)
To which I say: wow. Well, I guess I'm the one with the filthy mind. Guilty! But still. Lordy.
It seems a shame, though, that this fantastic name was wasted on a convenience STORE. Because it's really just crying out to be used for a chain of convenience GENTLEMAN'S CLUBS. Like the McDonald's of titty bars. You Kum, you Go. And everything is plastic so it is easily hosed down each night.
And speaking of stripping-related entrepreneurship, the below product is a genius example of American capitalism on at least a couple levels. Technically SFW, but still might get you a funny look if your co-workers see it.
http://pleaserusa.com/pic/TIP-702-5cbg.jpg
Friday, September 08, 2006
JST/HNAR - Part Three: "File Under: Never"
Never.
Never.
Never.
Leave me a voicemail and follow up an hour later with an e-mail saying, "I haven't heard from you yet."
UNLESS
There is a time-sensitive issue (i.e., you are on the way to an interview and need to speak with me urgently) or I have actually indicated to you personally that I would be getting back to you within this abbreviated timeframe.
But, if I just called you about a job and you are just returning my call...my outgoing message says I will return your call in "one business day." The business world moves fast, but an hour is NOT "one business day". Four hours is not "one business day." "One business day" means if you leave a message at 12:00 PM on Friday, I will return your call by 12:00 PM on Monday. Unless Monday is a holiday, in which case, "one business day" is by12:00 PM Tuesday.
I will certainly try to call you back sooner than one business day if I can, but being vaguely petulant about not being called back immediately doesn't endear you to any recruiter.
That said, it is absolutely fine to follow-up a voicemail with an e-mail. Just read and re-read your message to make sure it comes off as eager and not entitled.
Do: "Hi! I left you a message this morning about the position you contacted me for, and wanted to follow-up with an e-mail to provide a clean copy of my resume [Note: Great excuse for multiple contact, you're actually sending the e-mail to be helpful!] and just express again how excited I was to hear from you! This opportunity sounds perfect..." blah blah blah. (I know, it's a little hokey, but I'd rather someone attributes their behavior to over-enthusiasm than to some short-coming on the part of the recruiter.)
Don't: "I left a message for you this morning [Note: at 6:00 AM my time - my location is in my signature, do the math] but I haven't heard from you yet [it's now 9:45 AM my time, I've been at my desk for less than an hour and guess what: you are not the only candidate who exists]."
More soon!
Never.
Never.
Leave me a voicemail and follow up an hour later with an e-mail saying, "I haven't heard from you yet."
UNLESS
There is a time-sensitive issue (i.e., you are on the way to an interview and need to speak with me urgently) or I have actually indicated to you personally that I would be getting back to you within this abbreviated timeframe.
But, if I just called you about a job and you are just returning my call...my outgoing message says I will return your call in "one business day." The business world moves fast, but an hour is NOT "one business day". Four hours is not "one business day." "One business day" means if you leave a message at 12:00 PM on Friday, I will return your call by 12:00 PM on Monday. Unless Monday is a holiday, in which case, "one business day" is by12:00 PM Tuesday.
I will certainly try to call you back sooner than one business day if I can, but being vaguely petulant about not being called back immediately doesn't endear you to any recruiter.
That said, it is absolutely fine to follow-up a voicemail with an e-mail. Just read and re-read your message to make sure it comes off as eager and not entitled.
Do: "Hi! I left you a message this morning about the position you contacted me for, and wanted to follow-up with an e-mail to provide a clean copy of my resume [Note: Great excuse for multiple contact, you're actually sending the e-mail to be helpful!] and just express again how excited I was to hear from you! This opportunity sounds perfect..." blah blah blah. (I know, it's a little hokey, but I'd rather someone attributes their behavior to over-enthusiasm than to some short-coming on the part of the recruiter.)
Don't: "I left a message for you this morning [Note: at 6:00 AM my time - my location is in my signature, do the math] but I haven't heard from you yet [it's now 9:45 AM my time, I've been at my desk for less than an hour and guess what: you are not the only candidate who exists]."
More soon!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Job Searching Tips, or How Not to Aggravate a Recruiter - Part Two: "I Can't Believe I Have to Say This, but...Spell Check."
This goes without saying, right? That one would spell check one's resume before submitting for actual employment?
No, Dear Reader, apparently it does not go without saying. Apparently it needs to be said every day on the nightly news or sent out regularly as a flyer to the populace. That or else we all just officially stop giving a shit and decide if everyone else is wearing sweatpants to the office, hell I will too. I'm just going to stop worrying about the red squiggle, stop trying to remember how many s's there are in "occasionally," stop mumbling "i before e..." under my breath when spelling "receive. "Why bother? No one else cares. I'm just going to stop washing my hair and flossing too. So here's my resume and I don't care enough about employment to run this single page document through the five seconds of spell check.
But no! Slippery goddamn slope and if we give up on spell check eventually the economy WILL grind to a halt. You know, we are LIVING in a SOCIETY!
Spell check your goddamn resume and your goddamn cover letter. For that matter, spell check every single e-mail you send out to a prospective employer. You want a job? Care.
If you already do all this, thank you for the bottom of my shriveled heart. Well-written employment correspondence IS noticed and appreciated.
No, Dear Reader, apparently it does not go without saying. Apparently it needs to be said every day on the nightly news or sent out regularly as a flyer to the populace. That or else we all just officially stop giving a shit and decide if everyone else is wearing sweatpants to the office, hell I will too. I'm just going to stop worrying about the red squiggle, stop trying to remember how many s's there are in "occasionally," stop mumbling "i before e..." under my breath when spelling "receive. "Why bother? No one else cares. I'm just going to stop washing my hair and flossing too. So here's my resume and I don't care enough about employment to run this single page document through the five seconds of spell check.
But no! Slippery goddamn slope and if we give up on spell check eventually the economy WILL grind to a halt. You know, we are LIVING in a SOCIETY!
Spell check your goddamn resume and your goddamn cover letter. For that matter, spell check every single e-mail you send out to a prospective employer. You want a job? Care.
If you already do all this, thank you for the bottom of my shriveled heart. Well-written employment correspondence IS noticed and appreciated.
Why is your name misspelled on your own resume?
And I don't mean a typo, I mean, misspelled.
Kelly for Kellie. How do you make that mistake?
I guess if you are also a person who spells "dialer" "dailer" and "established" "establised" and "receiving" "recieving," it's to be expected.
(I guess the real question is: why the hell did I call this person in the first place? Answer: daily quota. Daily quota, contract position tied to performance. )
She also was responsible for "troubling shooting." Really, is there any other kind?
OK, Kellie/Kelly has inspired our next installment. Stay tuned.
Kelly for Kellie. How do you make that mistake?
I guess if you are also a person who spells "dialer" "dailer" and "established" "establised" and "receiving" "recieving," it's to be expected.
(I guess the real question is: why the hell did I call this person in the first place? Answer: daily quota. Daily quota, contract position tied to performance. )
She also was responsible for "troubling shooting." Really, is there any other kind?
OK, Kellie/Kelly has inspired our next installment. Stay tuned.
Job Searching Tips, or, How Not to Aggravate a Recruiter - Part One: "Consider Your Audience"
I am, unfortunately, not indepedently wealthy. Therefore, I work for a living. My job is as a recruiter. A recruiter NOT a head-hunter, so quit yer bitching about head-hunters who done you wrong. I don't do that, I just screen people for particular positions.
I encounter some recurrent irritations in my interactions with The Public, aka, Great Unwashed. Sometimes I am hard up enough to continue to consider a candidate despite them, but for the most part, I feel these reflect a general lack of common sense or innate intelligence. Although it's certainly debatable whether most jobs in corporate America actually require either common sense or innate intelligence, let's just say if Candidate A has them and Candidate B does not, and they are otherwise evenly matched...Candidate B is getting a brush off e-mail.
So here's Part One of an infinite-part series about how to not jackass yourself out of a decent job.
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A JOB, NOT A THERAPIST, SYMPATHETIC EAR OR FRIEND.
The recruiter does not care about extraneous personal details about your life.
Oh, sure I know there are some recruiters, those sweet midwestern girls named Heather and Amber who have 2.2 kids and a golden lab and go to church every Sunday, who might actually give a shit about the intricacies of your childcare schedule. But for every ten of them, there's one of me: a horrible, black-hearted misanthropic little troll who doesn't have the slightest interest in hearing about any of it. Of course, I NEED to know if there are hours you can't work, and I don't mind hearing briefly about why...but this is business, not a koffee klatch, so seriously. Just shut up.
In response to a query regarding your availability:
Do: "I can't work past 6:00 PM due to my childcare situation."
Don't: "Oh, see, we both work, and my husband works nights and my little boy is done with his childcare at 4 PM and see it's just me, we don't really have family in this town, and it's extra cost to leave him after hours..."
In response to a query regarding your planned relocation to the area in which the job is located:
Do: "I'm sorry, I realize I applied for this position, but I've realized that I cannot relocate in the near term due to a medical situation. Please keep my resume on file and I will touch base when I am able to consider positions in the area again."
Don't: "Yes I want to relocate to the area, but I must be truthful with you. I found out that I have to have a operation on my left shoulder because I have a torned rotor cup (ouch)! I need a new start because I have had several deaths in my immediate family. I have lost three family members. My father I lost just over a year ago; we were very close and it is very hard; I still miss him. Even though I have to have this procedure, I still would like to be considered for a position in your company. Please keep my paperwork and I will keep you abreast of what's going on with me."
(The second is something I have actually received. In response to a one-line e-mail. I do not know this person. And "torned?")
Thank you. Tune in soon for more shit to not do.
I encounter some recurrent irritations in my interactions with The Public, aka, Great Unwashed. Sometimes I am hard up enough to continue to consider a candidate despite them, but for the most part, I feel these reflect a general lack of common sense or innate intelligence. Although it's certainly debatable whether most jobs in corporate America actually require either common sense or innate intelligence, let's just say if Candidate A has them and Candidate B does not, and they are otherwise evenly matched...Candidate B is getting a brush off e-mail.
So here's Part One of an infinite-part series about how to not jackass yourself out of a decent job.
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A JOB, NOT A THERAPIST, SYMPATHETIC EAR OR FRIEND.
The recruiter does not care about extraneous personal details about your life.
Oh, sure I know there are some recruiters, those sweet midwestern girls named Heather and Amber who have 2.2 kids and a golden lab and go to church every Sunday, who might actually give a shit about the intricacies of your childcare schedule. But for every ten of them, there's one of me: a horrible, black-hearted misanthropic little troll who doesn't have the slightest interest in hearing about any of it. Of course, I NEED to know if there are hours you can't work, and I don't mind hearing briefly about why...but this is business, not a koffee klatch, so seriously. Just shut up.
In response to a query regarding your availability:
Do: "I can't work past 6:00 PM due to my childcare situation."
Don't: "Oh, see, we both work, and my husband works nights and my little boy is done with his childcare at 4 PM and see it's just me, we don't really have family in this town, and it's extra cost to leave him after hours..."
In response to a query regarding your planned relocation to the area in which the job is located:
Do: "I'm sorry, I realize I applied for this position, but I've realized that I cannot relocate in the near term due to a medical situation. Please keep my resume on file and I will touch base when I am able to consider positions in the area again."
Don't: "Yes I want to relocate to the area, but I must be truthful with you. I found out that I have to have a operation on my left shoulder because I have a torned rotor cup (ouch)! I need a new start because I have had several deaths in my immediate family. I have lost three family members. My father I lost just over a year ago; we were very close and it is very hard; I still miss him. Even though I have to have this procedure, I still would like to be considered for a position in your company. Please keep my paperwork and I will keep you abreast of what's going on with me."
(The second is something I have actually received. In response to a one-line e-mail. I do not know this person. And "torned?")
Thank you. Tune in soon for more shit to not do.
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