Meet Your College Graduates, America!

Hi America!!!! How are you doing?

I just wanted to take a moment out from my busy schedule of sighing, eye-rolling, gritting my teeth and putting myself on mute so that I can yelp with agony to help brighten your day with the Hope and Promise of the next generation of Recent College Grads.

Here are some confidence-instilling tidbits from a recent resume of, yes, an actual Bachelor-degree havin' young person. His/her graduating GPA was over 3.0.

"PRESENT: Bartender
I am the head bartender taking the most shifts as well as the most rewarding...In which ties to my role as assistant manager resolving problems and finding solutions when the manager is not available. Such as proper ways to treat food not up to the standard of the guest as well as unruly guests.

PREVIOUS: Fitness Councelor

At [redacted] i was a fitness councelor/sales man."

Does this make me laugh or make me sad?

From resume....

Skill Name/Level
multitasking: Intermediate
fax, copy, and call: Expert
compassion for others: Intermediate

Part Three of "Words I Never Expected to See on a Resume"

2006 brought you "Decapitated Head."
2007 brought you "Emergency Colonic."
2008...well, in 2008, I was busy.

2009?

Nipple!

And so many times! I count six.

"In this job, I am required to do many tasks such as testing the cow’s nipple for defects and defected milk, cleaning the nipple, and finally putting suction cups on the nipples that are not injured. While testing the person uses their fingers to squeeze some of the milk to make sure it is good. After that, we spray some disinfected spray that kills the bacteria. The cleaner has to make sure they clean off the nipple good so the chemical can be wiped off. Then finally, the last person will put the suction cups on the nipples so they could get the milk. While doing this one has to remember that, they cannot put a suction cup a nipple that has something wrong with it. When we are done with 16 stables of cows, we clean up and then clock out."