Craigslist Grabbag...Grab Bag?...Grab-Bag?

All the below are resume headlines from Craigslist:

If you do outside criminal background checks. Dont bother.

If you can teach it, I WILL SALE IT!!!
I just don't know how good you can truly be at selling if you don't know that word exists.

From resume headline AND Department of Lowered, Sad-Making Expectations: Recent college graduate seeking an entry level admin position

From a resume headline I forgot to post about back when this resume was relevant cuz summertime fun is OVER: Gay summer personal assistant

Once again, careless placement of modifiers might just create questions rather than instill in potential employers an overwhelming desire to hire your sizzling competence like yesterday.

I mean, first of all, I don't need to know that you are gay, but this is where my thoughts immediately go when I read that (read in voice of Ronco announcer):

Are you planning on having a Gay Summer but are overwhelmed at the thought of how much is involved? Making the reservations at P-Town? The manscaping? The purchasing of lube and hot pants? Making a house mix for the BBQ? It's endless, girlfriend!! [Of course in the commercial I am making in my head, that last sentence has a dude in a mesh shirt like collapsing on a pile of CD's on a table.] Never fear! Your Gay Summer Personal Assistant is here.

Or was. But the summer, Gay or no, is over.

(And I'm sorry, Gay Husband, for the parade of Gay Cliches but whatever, you do it too. Shut up.)

I think you posted in the wrong section, Young Man.

This was in a job-seeking section of Craigslist...but I'm thinking this young fellow might be more accurately characterized as job-giving, potentially. And I didn't realize they were calling them "mentors" these days...

I am, however, pleased to see some equal opportunity in the Craigslist's resume section in that usually it's the ladies who are always trotting out just how attractive they are in their resumes.

"I'm In Need Of A Mentor/Job

Hello, I need a successful professional to mentor me. My name is Daniel, I'm 23 years of age. I'm looking for a job opportunity to present itself... I have a handsome appearance & am in excellent physical condition. I'm curious to find my place in a well paying occupation. I have confidence to assist you wherever needed, to benefit mutually. If you are interested in presenting an opportunity, I would be very greatful as I am in need of some help. I need to earn my keep to sustain & maintain my expenses without going under. If you can, please reply with some ideas or open doors. I have references & pictures if interested... Thanks"

"Emergency Colonic"

Although not quite as horrifying as "decapitated head," "emergency colonic" is yet another two-word phrase I would not have normally expected to encounter in a job-searching related capacity.

And yes, Reader, I have noticed the slight uptick of late of my posting links to other sites and then brushing off my hands like I've done a good job with this blog for the day. As Boris Becker would say: Lazy!



(Here's a little quick story for you...I once worked with a former tennis pro named Jenny Byrne. Jenny is an AWESOME person and hysterically, pee-in-your-pants dry-Australian-humor funny. She told me a story once of watching a match with Boris Becker and some other dude. The...um...ref? Umpire? What do you call it in tennis? The person who's supposed to be watching where the balls lands and stuff? I only watch tennis for the men's thighs, I don't know any of the terms. Anyway, so a ball landed and the guy in the chair called it in, and Boris insisted it was out and kept pointing to...something on the ground, the line. CRAP. This story is impossible to tell without actual tennis knowledge. Anyway, Becker wanted the dude in the chair to get OUT of the chair to come look at the irrefutable physical evidence on the ground that the ball was out. The dude refused. Becker points his racket at the dude and spits out two damning Teutonic-inflected syllables: LA-ZY! To this day, when decrying anything lazy, in my head, I hear the staccato sound of Jenny's imitation of Boris Becker. The story is REALLY funny when she tells it. Not so much when I do.)

So I am actually not entirely being lazy. After-Dark Ill-Suit has a new gig AND the long-distance gay husband is coming for a visit next week so all in all, things are a little hectic around here. But will continue to post other people's crap as my own once things settle down.

Sadly, No Singlets

I just had to sign a sort of agreement in order to work with a certain client.

One of the Standards of Behavior required is that I do not “fight, encourage a fight, or wrestle.”

This is disappointing because I am trying to be a more positive person in 2007 and I would certainly like to be able to provide encouragement to my fellow Co-workers and/or Candidates in all their endeavors.

And no WRESTLING? What kind of mildly homoerotic activities WERE going on in the breakroom previous to that update to the agreement?

An Arbitrary and Resounding Yes

After spending the last four months looking down my nose at any personal items including on resumes, I have a slight reversal of opinion.

If you are a woman and a lawyer and have also been a participant in a statewide Championship Powerlifting event, go ahead and put it on your resume.

Why? I have no idea. This is entirely capricious advice that I will probably tell you not to follow once I haven't been up until 2:00 AM making holiday biscotti. All I know is I saw it on a resume today and it didn't make me homicidal. The somewhat unexpected juxtaposition instead made me feel not-bored for a nanosecond while at work. I don't know that I want to help her get a job, but I do know she's going to have to be a character in a story at some point.

So there you go. It's an Xmas miracle!