Yes, yours and A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S

A candidate applied to our position directly and when asked for resume, entered:

Resume is on www.Monster.com under
sales manager

One quibble...

...the "very bright" part.

From a Craigslist "Resume":

"Need Someone to Walk/Bike Long Distances or Just Do a Lot of Walking?

I am accustomed to walking 5-10 or more miles per day. I enjoy walking and being outdoors. I'm not sure what kind of jobs would need this, but if you have one, please let me know! I'm open to any suggestions. I'm 22, female, quite strong, and very bright. If the position you're looking to fill does not require walking, feel free to contact me anyway as I do need to start working soon. No sales jobs, please. Thank you very much! : ) "

And that's it!

Well, sure! I'll be sure to contact you for any non-sales jobs I might have that do or do not require walking. I guess I know you can...um...walk...and...type emoticons. Great!

****

Craigslist...well, it's almost too easy, you know? I'm reluctant to really make a whole post out of the general economy-sized bag of nuts that is Craigslist but what blog about recruiting would be complete without mentioning it?

Gawker did a periodic piece where they would take a certain section of Craigslist - like "Missed Connections" or "Holiday Gigs", and make a pie chart out of some breakdown of the postings. I could make you a pie chart too...but...yeah, I'm not going to. How about a bulleted list? That I can do.

So here is my breakdown of resume themes as posted on Craigslist:

• Normal people looking for normal work in a normal way (snoozers!).
• People who feel that this is the most effective way to find a job: tell you about some bad shit that happened to them and then say they need a job. (End of post. No listing of any experience, education, possible benefit to the employer, etc.)
• People who are looking for a job. But can only work 6.33 hrs. per week. And only when the moon is waning. And the job must be on their bus route. And they can't work for people named "Ken" or who wear purple. And they need you to know they only eat string cheese so if you have a problem with that then maybe this isn't going to work out. You know, like Extraneous Capitalizer.
• People who sorta wanna work in some field, you know, like they'd really like to get into real estate appraisal but they don't have any experience...or they're really good at tying shoelaces do you have anything that requires tying shoelaces?...or they just want a "survival" job while they pursue their real passion...do you have anything like that? End of posting.

Since I'm obviously phoning it in today, please write your own "Gee I wonder why they're unemployed" punchline.

Happy Friday!

Recruiter: Heal Thyself

Considering all my navel-gazing and off-topic posts of late, I have somewhat lost the moral high ground when it comes to berating others for overestimating my give-a-care about their personal details through the job search process. Let's face it: the bread and butter of a blog like this are ridiculous e-mail addies and poor phone manners, not what I think about this season's couture shoes.

NEVERTHELESS. I have never been less than forthcoming about my own hypocrisy (which, actually, sort of makes my hypocrisy rather noble and impervious to criticism, no? What? Oh, ACTUAL "No," huh? Well.) so I am take a break from providing you with every little irrelevant detail about my own life and get right back on that horse of pointing shaming fingers at those who assume we find every little irrelevant detail of their lives just so endlessly fascinating. (*Snorting with derision*) Idjits!

So today we were discussing this recruitment company that we are considering using. It's the kind of company to whom you pay wads and wads of cash up front in order to get some possible folks.

We reviewed the website, and there is a page dedicated to the founder of the company whom, I suspect, sort of IS the company. Ya know what I mean? You get the sense it might be one dude + one fancy website and that's about it.

On the section about him, it references some of his recruiting experience...but then it prominently features all this other stuff, like how he is a certified Rolfer and something about an ashram and some other stuff about Tai Chi...and it's like, I'm not against any of those things in my personal life, like whatever. Ashram it up, dude.

But I can just imagine one of the higher-ups in contract review doing due diligence when we submitted this multi-$K request for funds and going, "Um, WHAT? This shining example of professionalism is the person you want me to pay a fee UP FRONT for candidates, sight unseen? DENIED." (Insert sound of giant rubber stamp thwacking down.)

When recruiters themselves can't tell the difference between appropriate-professional and appropriate-personal...well, we're losing. I'm losing.

The Single Best Useless Thing to Ever Appear on a Resume Ever of All Time Ever!

You know how I hate personal details, right. But this? THIS???? Transcends irrelevance, transcends inappropriateness. It lives on its own unearthly plane, glowing and levitating in its perfection.

"Winner of Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right."

Pros: Slightly less likely to steal from honor snack bar

That's the one positive I can see from the candidate who put this on his resume:

"Accomplishments: One of my greatest personal accomplishments in life was losing weight I was able to lose over ninety lbs. in about eight months through exercise and diet."

Cons: ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT TO ANY JOB OUTSIDE A FITNESS CENTER AND/OR JENNY CRAIG-TYPE PLACE. (For which I am not recruiting.) (And yes, quite frankly, I DID mean to shout, Reader.)

I know I know, there's that one employer who already is firing people for the unhealthy lifestyle choice of smoking, but we're not there yet.

And I mean, kudos, Candidate, it's great you did that for your health and all and I'm feeling a little Grinchy complaining about it...but still. This is a resume, NOT your autobiography.

My Kind of Worker is Not in This Commercial

The Assimilated Negro: What Kind Of Worker Are You?

Because my kind of worker always skates out of these kinds of meetings. (I'm a Milford [wo]Man.)

It's National Phoning It In Week!

I just decided.

That or it's a Snow Week, or whatever other excuse someone will accept as to why my posts are crap.

Another blogger - some hot shot with like four readers or something - made a disparaging comment about bloggers who apologize for lack of/poor-quality posts when they only have two readers and those readers are their parents.

What Mr. Four Plus Fancy Pants doesn't realize is we are really apologizing to OURSELVES and to our own HIGH STANDARDS and also we do it to HEAR THE ECHO.

I now consider this blog to be like a sand mandala. It's a totally pointless act of creating ephemera. But it's like way more tolerable than actually meditating. (I have ADD and ergo actually trying to meditate makes me want to gouge out my own eyes.)

Anyway, if I ever have had or will have a good post, it will not be this week. I can tell already. Mainly because everyday my day is thrown off by the fact that the Ill-Suit Who Wants to Stay Asleep is FAR craftier than the Ill-Suit Who Wants to Get Up and Take on that World Now. The former's new trick is to take the miniature alarm clock and - again, without waking up - hit snooze and then TUCK IT UNDER HER TORSO so that when the alarm goes off again, it is MUFFLED BY HER OWN BODY.

(Why can Sleepy Ill-Suit figure THAT out but not figure out how to just turn OFF the alarm so it doesn't go off again? Neurologists: chime in.)

So anyway, I set aside all this AM time to do my own stuff and then sleep through it. I will never get out of having a day job at this rate.

A Toilet for Xmas

(Can you feel it, Reader? Only eight hours 'til I don't have to do this job for 96 whole hours! I am down to only four days off instead of the FIVE FIVE FIVE I crowed about but whatever! I'll take it!)

So, Reader, in case you were wondering what someone like me, grumpy and snappish and gnarl-hearted, longs for at this time of year, here's your answer: All I want for Xmas is a working toilet. IN my place.

I made the mistake of telling my landlord that my hot water faucet - in the kitchen - dripped. And somehow this translated to spending the last six weeks enduring an unanticipated bathroom remodel. Right now my toilet is non-operational and living two rooms away from its rightful home. Luckily I have access to other facilities, but let's face it: OTHER facilities cannot hold a candle to YOUR OWN facilities.

The one bright spot in the whole process has been that my contractor has been completely and inadvertently entertaining. He's a little rocker kid (it's kind of like having a Stroke grouting your tile) - and when I say little, I mean teeny tiny. I think he wears like size two girl jeans. I KNOW he wears girl jeans because he told me all about it, I just forgot to ask him what size.

He's told me all about MANY things. I know about his girl trouble, his upbringing (he was home schooled by fundamentalist Christian parents), his mild drug use, his transportation issues, his roommate situation.

Now, as everyone is well aware, I don't take kindly, generally, to unsolicited personal disclosure. UNLESS, as the Championship Powerlifter demonstrated, you manage to entertain me. Which my Rocker Contractor seems to unintentionally do every time he shows up.

Below are some of my favorite things that he has said thus far. I told him that entering Week Six I am losing my mind without a fully operational bathroom and I am sick of brushing my teeth in the kitchen sink so HE MUST FINISH UP AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE XMAS. He was sympathetic and responded by not showing up for two days this week. So I think this will continue into the New Year. If so, expect to see some more of these entries. In fact, I am thinking of filming him. He just comes out with too many gems; they should be documented:

• Well, I'm going to go home and curl my hair.
• (To his dog who was licking his face. Oh, yes, his dog that he brings INTO my house. Without asking.) Don't put your tongue in my mouth, that's bad for a boy doggie. (I could not restrain myself from asking him, to clarify, if in fact I had heard correctly and it was the fact of it being a BOY doggie tongue as opposed to just being DOGGIE tongue that was the problem.)
• "In the midnight hour/She cried 'More more more.'" (Yes, that's from "Rebel Yell" a song he was singing at some rock charity event. Which is fine, except those were the ONLY TWO LINES of the song he would absently sing to himself for DAYS on end. I BEGGED him to sing other parts of the song or an entirely different song, but without thinking he would inevitably return to just those two lines.)
• There's nothing this town likes better than a longhair in a VW bus.
• I think the air quality in my apartment is affecting my vocal cords. (Said whilst smoking, and being covered with a little dusting of the mud he was sanding off the walls. "Do you need some sort of mask?" I had asked as I watched from my desk the dust falling right into his open mouth. "Nah," he had replied.)
• I threw my hair straightener across the room the other day.

Good, as they say, Times! Happy Holidays all! Enjoy your operational toilets!

An Arbitrary and Resounding Yes

After spending the last four months looking down my nose at any personal items including on resumes, I have a slight reversal of opinion.

If you are a woman and a lawyer and have also been a participant in a statewide Championship Powerlifting event, go ahead and put it on your resume.

Why? I have no idea. This is entirely capricious advice that I will probably tell you not to follow once I haven't been up until 2:00 AM making holiday biscotti. All I know is I saw it on a resume today and it didn't make me homicidal. The somewhat unexpected juxtaposition instead made me feel not-bored for a nanosecond while at work. I don't know that I want to help her get a job, but I do know she's going to have to be a character in a story at some point.

So there you go. It's an Xmas miracle!

Zombification

So part of why I am so grumpy all the livelong day is because I haven’t had a real vacay in just about forever, and have a sort of job that much like a gas, expands to fit whatever container (i.e., my waking hours) it’s put into.

And to abruptly change metaphors, work is also like a toxin that builds up in your system. I think of it like gout: there are these work crystals building up under my skin and eventually I get so sensitive I cannot bear the weight of a sheet on my toe/phone call from innocent candidate.

BUT…although there is apparently a war on Xmas or something that people like me are somehow perpetrating by sending out cards that say “Happy Holidays” because we know/like some Jewish people and atheists and are too lazy/indifferent to send out different cards to every person based on what holiday they may or may not be celebrating, Xmas has nevertheless retained the strength to get me a (paid) day fricking off in a week and a half. (Thank you, Xmas!)

And I am going to finagle a few other days off in there and I am going to have five – count ‘em FIVE FIVE FIVE – days where I do not have to ask anyone to describe their current job duties or what their target salary is or how soon they would be available to begin if a position is offered. Five whole days in a row where I can spend all day talking with people about something other than their experience with SOX 404 or their skill level with Excel!

And THAT, Reader, is my Thursday’s Installment of Some Shit that I Am Happy About.

Until then, I am switching into Recruiter Zombie mode. I am still physically here, I am still carrying out my duties, but my brain/soul has already left my body and won’t return until Jan 1, 2007. Posts until then may consist of grunts and or zombie-typing which looks like this:

Ury swrt5giAE GIsrwgeghtu4tg9wtg4qgt wsrhgtegftwisgy gtwesi gts wrgtSWGtw5gthed5r hsuer huaqygtue5uijr4wtytg g yrdrtgtxqt4g5rgtswrwst8wt5ait6h4 GFV8swrG89OA5Y3JNER GIKUHDFGIURWTKIUJSETUHAERUIGHDKSJFNK.ISETHO8LEHT RWHTGKJLRNO;8TH4T.

Still Chiming My One Note

I am clearly playing the triangle in the giant orchestra that is blogging, because seriously, it's all the same stuff lately, ain't it? It's all some variation on my original post, namely, you are looking for employment. An exchange of skills and time for money. Not friendship, not a relationship, not a date.

I know I keep saying the same thing and every few days I get all Ram Dass on my own ass think, "You know what? I don't want to do the blog anymore because it's just more like, negativity, man, out in the world and there's so much of it out there and like I just want to be happy."

And it will go quiet in the recruiting world, candidates will be dutifully submitting cover letters and resumes that exhibit common sense and restraint, and they will not have "Smack That" as their ringback tone, and I will think I am safe.

But then someone slips up and I enter a Wormhole of Questionable Judgment and I cannot restrain myself from commenting upon it. I can't. To let this kind of thing go unremarked upon would like...like a tacit approval! How could I sleep at night?

So, once again, my advice:

• If you are a 51-year old man, do not put your myspace address on your resume.
• If you are a 51-year old man, who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, do not start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!"
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", then you might want to go scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc.
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", and you neglected to scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc., then you might want to dial back the more rabidly divisive political stuff.
  

If you are a 51-year old man who could bring yourself to do none of the above because, dammit, even during the job search every little thing in your life is a Song of Yourself and why SHOULDN'T you express your likes and dislikes as this is AMERICA, and what am I, some kind of commie?

Well, then, at the very least, can I beg you to edit down the like 2000 words of all cap screaming in your "About Me" and "Who I'd Like to Meet" section?

And might I also remark that just in the spirit of efficiency, you don't reallly NEED 2000 words, period, in your "Who I'd Like to Meet" section because you started it off with a somewhat naughty picture of a naughty girl, and I think that picture is actually worth your 2000 words.

Why are you telling me this?

I know I'm flogging (blogging?) a dead horse here as this is at least my third post on this topic, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I see something like this, I'm 100% the same amount of incredulous and outraged. It's always like the first time.

From resume for A FINANCIAL ANALYST candidate:

"Professional caliber artist specializing in portraits and pencil sketches."

Why? Why is this on your resume when the jobs you are applying for have NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS? Why would I care? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CARE?

What am I missing? I'm now cycling past incredulity/outrage to like, is it me? Am I the one who doesn't get it? I have forever claimed that I was absent one day in third grade and missed an all-school assembly that Explained It All and the reason why I am constantly befuddled by humanity is because I had a stomachache that day. That, or the fact that we were the only family without cable in my neighborhood doomed me to just never ever getting it.

But I don't get it.

Reader(s?...are there still at least two?), do you? Can someone please explain this to me? I try and try to imagine what on this planet could inspire me to think that some potential employer would be slightly swayed to hire me because I like to bicycle or make really tasty biscotti but I just can't. Can't imagine.

FYI: TMI

From a resume of a candidate looking for an accounting position:

"I wrote four novels, 13 short stories, and translated 2/3 of a classic story s youth version from Mandarin to English. (All unpublished for now.)"

So many levels...where to start?

1) You're applying for an accounting position. All this tells me is that you are possibly going to be even more miserable in that job than I am in mine.
2) Why only 2/3?
3) "All unpublished for now." Actually, that one speaks for itself.

Can...not...type...

I read this on a resume and fell off my exercise ball chair and am typing this with one hand from the floor:

"Not divorced, not gay, no hidden drinking/drugs. U.S. citizen. Taoist/ Buddhist readings. Favorite comics:Peanuts, Blondie, Bloom County. Favorite waffle: L Eggo My Eggo!. HTML. Enjoy surfing the Net (maybe too much!)"

From a RESUME.

WHO RAISED THESE PEOPLE?

I can't go on. That is too much for a Monday morning. The waffle-eating, "Bloom County"-reading, not divorced/not gay Taoist candidate might have pushed me over the edge. I'm going back to the weekend.

JST/HNAR - Part Five: "Only your mother cares..."

...that you won a certificate from Poetry.com.

...that you were a 4-H Champion - in 1978.

...that you were an extra on "Waterworld" in 1992 (and, actually, even your mother might be over that one).

So leave these kinds of things - all of which I have seen within the past week on actual resumes of actual adults looking for actual jobs - off your resume when you are applying for a totally unrelated job.

And, my professional opinion as a recruiter: we don't care about your hobbies, your interests or how many kids you have. Leave everything off your resume that doesn't pertain to your desired position.

The ONLY thing I would ever say would be okay to add (beside the usual legit stuff like employment, education, certifications, recent 4-H championships, etc.) is any volunteer work you did that pertains to your desired position. (Say, you are trying to break into a new career so you have done some unpaid work related to the field. Or you build the case for me that your 1978 4-H award is actually going to help you in this new job in 2006. THAT I might be interested to know about.)

The generic listing of totally unrealted hobbies/interest stuff with no link drawn to the position you are applying for, though? Sure lightening strikes every once in a while and you might happen to charm a hiring manager who is also into writing Bible verses on rice grains, but you might just be wasting the time of everyone else who isn't.

(And P.S. Can you just imagine how tedious the "Waterworld" extra must be at family gatherings?

"Did I tell you about the time Kevin Costner and I shared a fat-free muffin at the craft services table? It was cranberry."

And the rest of the family sighs and changes the subject. Again.)

Job Searching Tips, or, How Not to Aggravate a Recruiter - Part One: "Consider Your Audience"

I am, unfortunately, not indepedently wealthy. Therefore, I work for a living. My job is as a recruiter. A recruiter NOT a head-hunter, so quit yer bitching about head-hunters who done you wrong. I don't do that, I just screen people for particular positions.

I encounter some recurrent irritations in my interactions with The Public, aka, Great Unwashed. Sometimes I am hard up enough to continue to consider a candidate despite them, but for the most part, I feel these reflect a general lack of common sense or innate intelligence. Although it's certainly debatable whether most jobs in corporate America actually require either common sense or innate intelligence, let's just say if Candidate A has them and Candidate B does not, and they are otherwise evenly matched...Candidate B is getting a brush off e-mail.

So here's Part One of an infinite-part series about how to not jackass yourself out of a decent job.

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A JOB, NOT A THERAPIST, SYMPATHETIC EAR OR FRIEND.


The recruiter does not care about extraneous personal details about your life.

Oh, sure I know there are some recruiters, those sweet midwestern girls named Heather and Amber who have 2.2 kids and a golden lab and go to church every Sunday, who might actually give a shit about the intricacies of your childcare schedule. But for every ten of them, there's one of me: a horrible, black-hearted misanthropic little troll who doesn't have the slightest interest in hearing about any of it. Of course, I NEED to know if there are hours you can't work, and I don't mind hearing briefly about why...but this is business, not a koffee klatch, so seriously. Just shut up.

In response to a query regarding your availability:
Do: "I can't work past 6:00 PM due to my childcare situation."
Don't: "Oh, see, we both work, and my husband works nights and my little boy is done with his childcare at 4 PM and see it's just me, we don't really have family in this town, and it's extra cost to leave him after hours..."


In response to a query regarding your planned relocation to the area in which the job is located:
Do: "I'm sorry, I realize I applied for this position, but I've realized that I cannot relocate in the near term due to a medical situation. Please keep my resume on file and I will touch base when I am able to consider positions in the area again."
Don't: "Yes I want to relocate to the area, but I must be truthful with you. I found out that I have to have a operation on my left shoulder because I have a torned rotor cup (ouch)! I need a new start because I have had several deaths in my immediate family. I have lost three family members. My father I lost just over a year ago; we were very close and it is very hard; I still miss him. Even though I have to have this procedure, I still would like to be considered for a position in your company. Please keep my paperwork and I will keep you abreast of what's going on with me."

(The second is something I have actually received. In response to a one-line e-mail. I do not know this person. And "torned?")

Thank you. Tune in soon for more shit to not do.