USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE

USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE

No, that's called a "favor."

From resume:

Volunteer Work:
Helped fix my neighbors porch

In 2009, there is no excuse...

...for faxing a resume with no email address on it. There was no excuse for it in 2006 or 2001 for that matter. Email is free and you can access the internet at the library.

I know this isn't a particularly funny post, Reader, but that just shows you the depth of my outrage.

I've spent all day phone screening candidates who can't answer a yes or no question without giving me their life story, correcting the errors of supposed support people who can't read written instructions and crafting diplomatic emails to said support people to ask THEM what I can do to make it easier for them to read written instructions.

So when I get to your resume, Antiquated Candidate, in my EMAIL inbox (because I haven't had a physical fax in over five years, my fax comes to my EMAIL goddammit because I live in THE PRESENT), and want to send you a note because it's already 7:45pm and I don't want to call and get caught up in another gratuitous phone conversation as I still have HOURS of work to do, I can't. I can't send you an email.

So guess what's going to happen? Tomorrow I'm going to be busy phone screening candidates with whom I was able to arrange VIA EMAIL a mutually-convenient time to speak. Then I'm going to be answering manager questions, handling background checks, correcting "support" staff mistakes and all of the other painful and innumerable details of this job. And by the time I get around to reaching out to new candidates, guess what? It's going to be 6pm or 7pm or 1am. And I'm going to contact the people who have emails.

Repeat this until I claw my way into another career and you'll see how soon I get to contacting you.

'America's Next Top Model' has had eleven cycles...

...and even being seventeen years old is no excuse for having the idea that you can get a job as a model by posting a resume (you know, something that consists of TEXT not PICTURES) on a major job board.

"I'm seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I'm very determined and interested in becoming a model. I don't have experience in the modeling field, however, I am willing to go the extra mile to fulfill my dream. "

Well, go the extra mile and actually do what it takes to fulfill your dreams, like:

1. TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH.
2. Put photographs in a place where people who hire models might see them.
3. And so on.

However, one thing that you should NOT learn from America's Next Top Model is the idea that being "determined and interested in becoming a model" = becoming a model. While that show does include "Wanting It the Most" as a pre-qualification for becoming a regular fashion model, it's probably slightly more important to be a genetic anomaly who is tall, thin, freakishly symmetrical, small-featured, and, you know, generally considered beautiful.

Then again, what do I know? Maybe posting a resume is the secret backdoor to the fashion industry that they've never mentioned in the twenty years of Vogue I've read.

One quibble...

...the "very bright" part.

From a Craigslist "Resume":

"Need Someone to Walk/Bike Long Distances or Just Do a Lot of Walking?

I am accustomed to walking 5-10 or more miles per day. I enjoy walking and being outdoors. I'm not sure what kind of jobs would need this, but if you have one, please let me know! I'm open to any suggestions. I'm 22, female, quite strong, and very bright. If the position you're looking to fill does not require walking, feel free to contact me anyway as I do need to start working soon. No sales jobs, please. Thank you very much! : ) "

And that's it!

Well, sure! I'll be sure to contact you for any non-sales jobs I might have that do or do not require walking. I guess I know you can...um...walk...and...type emoticons. Great!

****

Craigslist...well, it's almost too easy, you know? I'm reluctant to really make a whole post out of the general economy-sized bag of nuts that is Craigslist but what blog about recruiting would be complete without mentioning it?

Gawker did a periodic piece where they would take a certain section of Craigslist - like "Missed Connections" or "Holiday Gigs", and make a pie chart out of some breakdown of the postings. I could make you a pie chart too...but...yeah, I'm not going to. How about a bulleted list? That I can do.

So here is my breakdown of resume themes as posted on Craigslist:

• Normal people looking for normal work in a normal way (snoozers!).
• People who feel that this is the most effective way to find a job: tell you about some bad shit that happened to them and then say they need a job. (End of post. No listing of any experience, education, possible benefit to the employer, etc.)
• People who are looking for a job. But can only work 6.33 hrs. per week. And only when the moon is waning. And the job must be on their bus route. And they can't work for people named "Ken" or who wear purple. And they need you to know they only eat string cheese so if you have a problem with that then maybe this isn't going to work out. You know, like Extraneous Capitalizer.
• People who sorta wanna work in some field, you know, like they'd really like to get into real estate appraisal but they don't have any experience...or they're really good at tying shoelaces do you have anything that requires tying shoelaces?...or they just want a "survival" job while they pursue their real passion...do you have anything like that? End of posting.

Since I'm obviously phoning it in today, please write your own "Gee I wonder why they're unemployed" punchline.

Happy Friday!

Candidate: Do not use your mother as a reference on your resume.

That is all.

No wait, I have an addendum.

Do not use your mother as a reference on your resume BUT ESPECIALLY not if she is the only reference you have.

(No, Reader, I'm not kidding. Saw this today. The resume was NOT from a six-year old nor from a developmentally-disabled person. At least not an officially-labeled developmentally-disabled person. I suppose you could assume that the diagnosis might be forthcoming.)

"Plus a whole lot more!"

Should never ever be a bullet point on your resume.

You are not a multi-tool, the Magic Bullet Blender or a product being offered by Ron Popeil.

How Not to Leave a Voicemail Message

(Preamble: I am 100% certain that this entire post and entire complaint has probably already been bloggified verbatim by some other primate with a keyboard, but I got nothing else for you today, Reader.)

How Not to Leave a Voicemail Message

Don't leave this:

"HithisisStacey[or Daisy or Tracey or Macy or possibly even Ashley]andigotyouremailandiamcallingyoubackmynumberisfivefivefive[unintelligible]fivefivefiveandmycellnumberis[completely, totally unintelligible after several replays of the message, although, in the interest of full disclosure, the last listening was somewhat drowned out by the sound of my own anguished yelp of frustration]."

How Not to Leave Three Voicemail Messages

Do not leave the above three times in one day.

***

For those of you only recently waking up in the late Oughts, may I alert you to a handy feature on many voicemails these days, which is that you can take a listen to the message you just left to determine if, in fact, someone without access to FBI-style audio clean-up tools will be able to understand what you are saying prior to actually sending the message. If there’s any doubt, re-record.

Of course, that expectation is a bit of a double-edged sword and it’s inevitable the one time that you like drop your phone on your foot and swear like a stevedore mid-message will be the time that you called someone with the cruel voicemail that will not allow you to re-record. So be careful, Rip!

Time Zones 101

Candidate, if I ask you if you are available at - specifically - "1:00 PM Pacific Time" for a phone interview, but you happen to be on the East Coast this week, then what you need to do is add three hours to 1:00 PM, which, voila! = 4:00 PM EST.

What you should NOT do is assume that if I am available at 1:00 PM Pacific Time, that I would also be available at 1:00 PM Eastern Time (10:00 AM Pacific Time). And then get mad because I didn't call you at that time, even though I made it clear when I was available.

1) I do not have you tagged with GPS and plot out your whereabouts on a Google map. I do not know where you are this week or any other week for that matter.
2) 1:00 PM Pacific Time and 1:00 PM Eastern Time ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TIMES. It makes no sense to assume that if I am available for one I am available for the other.

The question marks are the best part.

This Sunday's New York Times had an article about "Child-Led Learning" which is apparently a form of home-schooling that allows kids to set the pace and pick what they want to learn about each day and follow their curiousity, etc.

I was immediately stricken with horror, imagining 50 years from now when I am in a nursing home being cared for by the generation raised this way. "I just don't FEEL like giving Ms. Ill-Suit her insulin right now."

Anyhoodle, the reason I am thinking of that is that I saw this on a resume, and sort of suspect maybe this person had her own fair share of "Child-Led Learning" as well:

"My current schedule for the rest of this year is this:
Sunday: 1:00 PM- ?
Monday: 11:30 AM- ?
Tuesday: 1:30 PM- ?
Wednesday: 11:30 AM- 6:30 PM
Thursday: 1:30 PM- ?
Friday: 11:30 AM- ?
Saturday: All day "


In the interest of full disclosure, I totally hate The Man and think we all should be wrestling back as much of our lives as possible from the Scourge that is Work. Nevertheless, come on now. This is not, sweetheart, how the world currently runs.

Job Searching Tips, or How Not to Aggravate a Recruiter - Part Two: "I Can't Believe I Have to Say This, but...Spell Check."

This goes without saying, right? That one would spell check one's resume before submitting for actual employment?

No, Dear Reader, apparently it does not go without saying. Apparently it needs to be said every day on the nightly news or sent out regularly as a flyer to the populace. That or else we all just officially stop giving a shit and decide if everyone else is wearing sweatpants to the office, hell I will too. I'm just going to stop worrying about the red squiggle, stop trying to remember how many s's there are in "occasionally," stop mumbling "i before e..." under my breath when spelling "receive. "Why bother? No one else cares. I'm just going to stop washing my hair and flossing too. So here's my resume and I don't care enough about employment to run this single page document through the five seconds of spell check.

But no! Slippery goddamn slope and if we give up on spell check eventually the economy WILL grind to a halt. You know, we are LIVING in a SOCIETY!

Spell check your goddamn resume and your goddamn cover letter. For that matter, spell check every single e-mail you send out to a prospective employer. You want a job? Care.

If you already do all this, thank you for the bottom of my shriveled heart. Well-written employment correspondence IS noticed and appreciated.