Part Three of "Words I Never Expected to See on a Resume"

2006 brought you "Decapitated Head."
2007 brought you "Emergency Colonic."
2008...well, in 2008, I was busy.

2009?

Nipple!

And so many times! I count six.

"In this job, I am required to do many tasks such as testing the cow’s nipple for defects and defected milk, cleaning the nipple, and finally putting suction cups on the nipples that are not injured. While testing the person uses their fingers to squeeze some of the milk to make sure it is good. After that, we spray some disinfected spray that kills the bacteria. The cleaner has to make sure they clean off the nipple good so the chemical can be wiped off. Then finally, the last person will put the suction cups on the nipples so they could get the milk. While doing this one has to remember that, they cannot put a suction cup a nipple that has something wrong with it. When we are done with 16 stables of cows, we clean up and then clock out."

I'm sorry to have been unclear, Rain Man.

Okay, so let's say your current and previous position titles were some variation on Florn-Jumper. You've been an Assistant Florn-Jumper, Junior Florn-Jumper, and now risen in the ranks to become a Senior Florn-Jumper.

But in your heart, you know what you were really put on this earth to do is Queeg Analysis. Any time a project came up in your Florn-Jumping world that involved Queeg Analysis, you rose your sweaty little hand and said, "Me! Me, Boss, I can do that special Queeg Analysis project!"

And finally you are ready to get out of the Florn-Jumping business (much like pole-dancing, it's hard on the body) and try to get into Queeg Analysis full-time. So you apply to my current Queeg Analyst I position posting.

Now, I am hard up for candidates. So although I only see one lone bullet point on your resume about a special project involving Queeg Analysis and everything else seems a little off, I decide to give you a shot.

I talk to you about my Queeg Analyst position, and I like you. You seem like a bright lad. So I say, okay, although Queeg Analysis has not been your primary job duty, I believe you could do it, so I am going to send your resume to the hiring manager.

However, the hiring manager is going to need to be convinced. So I ask you to send me a new resume, highlighting your experience in Queeg Analysis.

What I meant was:

REWRITE your resume to expand on your experience in the area of Queeg Analysis. Although this might have just been a part of a project or two that you worked on in addition to your daily Florn-Jumping duties, flesh out your involvement to show you are not a complete Queeg Analysis novice.

What I DID NOT mean was:

Send me the EXACT SAME RESUME you already provided, but with the bullet point about Queeg Analysis highlighted. Literally. With the yellow highlighter function in MS Word.

I realize this is my own fault. I am talking to to some serious calculator-heads and as my friend who is married to one of them has pointed out, they can be like computers. You have to actually program each step or else they will...well, send you a resume with a bullet point highlighted.

So my apologies, Raymond. I will be more precise moving forward.

P.S. I'm already irritated with my own intra-blog slang, so if you also found it a bit twee and aggravating, I am working on it. I do need to be vague but there must be a better way.

Someone has watched "Erin Brockovich" a few too many times.

Sum total of candidate's experience as listed on resume:

• Less than one year as cocktail waitress at [name redacted but take my word this time it's an actual titty bar and not just my filthy mind] Bar (where she is required to "enteract" [sic] with customers...is that what the kids are calling it these days?).
• Five months as a sales associate at a big box retailer (no double entendre intended).

What is her desired job title?

"Banking and finance attorney."

Now, I know that working at titty bars is a necessary evil - or not-so-evil, depending on your views - for many young women who are putting themselves through college. (Who could have anticipated this blog would have occasion to reference such establishments on a fairly regular basis?) So it's not to say that working at such a bar and a big box retailer are de facto clear signposts that one lacks the qualifications to make the leap to banking and finance attorney. However, there was a total lack of education listed on the resume, all of her experience was listed in one near-run-on sentence in one paragraph, she spelled "customer" "custumer" and used the phrase "Me and my co-worker helped them with their phones."

So let's just say I didn't get the feeling this is the resume of a Lifetime Television for Women story of the valedictorian who pasty-twirled her way through Stanford Law School.

Honey, by all means, dream big. Dream as big as your knockers!

That said, maybe there needs to be an interim step between cocktail waitress and banking/finance attorney. Like paralegal? Hell, like receptionist at the office NEXT to the law firm? How about some law school? And taking the bar?

These are just some ideas.

And, oh, yeah, spell-check.

Unfortunate Names, Episode One

Candidate's resume indicates she worked at the "Kum and Go."

Surprisingly, duties listed did not include pole dancing or pasty twirling. Rather, they seemed to indicate this is some kind of convenience store.

Quick Google search validates that the "Kum and Go" is in fact not only one convenience store with a really questionable name, but an entire CHAIN of them. (Those of you in the Midwest, I suppose this isn't news to you.) www.kumandgo.com (disappointingly SFW)

To which I say: wow. Well, I guess I'm the one with the filthy mind. Guilty! But still. Lordy.

It seems a shame, though, that this fantastic name was wasted on a convenience STORE. Because it's really just crying out to be used for a chain of convenience GENTLEMAN'S CLUBS. Like the McDonald's of titty bars. You Kum, you Go. And everything is plastic so it is easily hosed down each night.

And speaking of stripping-related entrepreneurship, the below product is a genius example of American capitalism on at least a couple levels. Technically SFW, but still might get you a funny look if your co-workers see it.

http://pleaserusa.com/pic/TIP-702-5cbg.jpg