USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE

USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE

I'm not saying anything mean about this.

Cuz there is just something very sweet and humble about it. I do not approve of personal info on a resume, but if you must, this is the maximum of what is allowed before you are going to elicit a response of irritation rather than "Well that's kind of nice."

OTHER INTERESTS

- Passion for technology and its practical applications
- Web and graphic design
- Playing Frisbee at the park with my family

Is "work at home pharmacy tech" resume speak for running your own meth lab?

No judgments, mind you, I support the small businessman.

Be aware of switching between passive vs active voice...

...because if you are not, your list of skills might sound less like you are a potentially quite valuable employee who can speak multiple languages, and more like you are the crappy parent of a potentially quite valuable employee who can speak multiple languages.

From resume:

Bilingual

• Partially raised a spanish speaker

• Spanish major
• Formal written and verbal translation

No Comment

Interest listed on resume:

Reading books written by James Patterson

Yes, yours and A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S

A candidate applied to our position directly and when asked for resume, entered:

Resume is on www.Monster.com under
sales manager

I suggest starting with these two new challenges:

1. Spelling. Some areas of focus:
a. "I before E except after C."
b. If your instinct tells you "Use an A!" question it. Question it closely.
c. If these prove problematic, consider using the spell check function on your computer.

2. Periods, and when to use them. Related: Run-on sentences, and what they are.

From resume:

"My experiance in the sales and finance feild has been long lasting and I have recieved over 40 salesman of the month awards and am looking for new challanges."

:)

Unless you are applying to study at Clown College or to work at a scrapbooking store or childcare centers, smiley faces have no place on your resume. One to grow on.

Craigslister, Craigslist Thyself.

This is nitpicky, but when you are selling nitpicking, close up those parantheses, Sharp Eyes.

• Writing/Editing Help - Grammar is my forte.
  
  Hello,
  I am offering my stellar writing and editing skills to those in need!
  
  If you are a student, struggling to piece together a coherent paper, I can help! If your grammar or spelling is subpar, and you need a set of sharp eyes to fix all your semantic blunders, I am your gal!
  
  I charge $15-25/hr, depending on the extent of the job. If you are a "starving student" we may be able to strike a deal.
  
  What I will not do:
  - Write your paper for you
  - Correct factual inaccuracies (e.g. "Oregon State is located on the Atlantic Coast."
  
  Contact me for a quote!
  
  

An On-Going Series: Conversations I Don't Understand Why I'm Having

(Ring, ring, pick up the phone, greetings exchanged)
Candidate: You called me about a job. Me: Yes we are looking for [highly-specific job] in the area.
Candidate: Oh, well, I'm now doing this other kind of job and I'm not looking for something else.
Me: Oh, okay.
Candidate: I did do [highly-specific job] for about three years. I still have [highly-specific certifications] active. [spends another minute giving me more details about how he's well-qualified for the job I'm recruiting for]
Me: Oh, that's great, but...uh...did you also just say you are not interested in a new opportunity right now?
Candidate: Right.

?

"Someone has asked(not so nicely)if the human resource managers in the area would post they're contact information. Please note that even though it would help dramatically if you would offer such information, we are all aware that you truely don't have to. In fact, I myself am experienced in this resources MO that I know the only reason for this is so that you believe that your saving time by not having to deal with anyone that you have already hired and had to let go. While at the same time making everyone that has worked for you, call you, and there by have to apologise for costing you another worker. Reality check!! Just because someone thinks that your they're last employer does'nt make any difference, they'll still call and waste a little more of your day. As well, if you continue to show everyone that just because you have the right to hire, and or fire, simply because the economy has left you holding the long end of the stick, does'nt mean that said employee will forgive and forget when it comes time to having EVERYONE working. If you see someone has not been working out, FIRE HIM and/or HER, but don't continue to take it out on everyone that is just moving into the area as well as anyone that might just want a WORKING RELATIONSHIP with you and your company. Now as far as the person that sent that message; Please keep in mind that the PEOPLE that your addressing are just that, people, and if they can find away to keep things rolling,....They will!! This has nothing to do with you. Such is the nature of capitolism, I don't mean anything personal about it but,...you can't feed your childern in about two to three weeks,.... and even though I am fully aware that if I would just lower my own cost of living, you could,... I won't Now if you really want to help,(while you have a little free time)start speading the news. STOP CALLING IT INFLATION,...IT'S GREED,PURE AND SIMPLE! "

"So help me God"

This is not a resume headline.

Unless, I guess, you are a baliff. Which, Candidate Who Did Use This, you are not.

It's 1:30AM on the weekend and I am working...

...so thank you, Candidate, for the end-of-resume LOL:

Special Interests:
Awesome taste in music
Amateur conga player

Young ladies, I have two words for you.

CAPITAL LETTERS.

Not, though, like above. Not ALL CAPS. Not Extraneous Capitalization.

Just adequate. Like, for example, your name. Yes, your name, be it Ashley or Tiffany or Stephanie or Brittany or Misty or Amber. Which it usually is.

Though your name might be common, it does not mean it does not deserve some respect. Some special consideration. Is your name a plate? A rock? A speck of dust?

No, it is your name. It's a proper name, even. So, please, use a capital letter for it.

Inevitably, when I see a new applicant in my system who appears like this:

angela anylastname

I already know what the resume is. She probably graduated from high school in the past five years. She doesn't live in a metropolitan area. She works at a big box retailer or chain restaurant. She's worked a lot of places in those five years.

I'm not saying any of that as a criticism or mockery. I'll mock people for a lot of things on this blog, but not, generally, for circumstances beyond their control, like the accident of when and where they were born, and how much money their parents probably had.

But it does sort of stick in my craw in some way.

Sure, it's probably just a texting culture, one that doesn't value grammar. I realize my Old Timey insistence on proper English is tilting at windmills.

However, it's not usually the guys who do this. Sure, sometimes your Matthews and Joshs and Dustins and Brads might not capitalize, but even those fellows whose work history, education and geographic origins are the same as the ashleys and tiffanys usually capitalize their own names.

I'm a writer, languange and how people use it means something to me. And the fact that these girls don't think their name needs to be capitalized...I can't help but think that means something too.

No, that's called a "favor."

From resume:

Volunteer Work:
Helped fix my neighbors porch

Start Small

From resume:

"To tackle customers needs in designing and creating there kitchen and bath remodeling additions and updates. "

I truly do appreciate that this candidate is showing some initiative in selecting more action-oriented verbs. But I think you should master basic grammar first before getting creative.

Meet Your College Graduates, America!

Hi America!!!! How are you doing?

I just wanted to take a moment out from my busy schedule of sighing, eye-rolling, gritting my teeth and putting myself on mute so that I can yelp with agony to help brighten your day with the Hope and Promise of the next generation of Recent College Grads.

Here are some confidence-instilling tidbits from a recent resume of, yes, an actual Bachelor-degree havin' young person. His/her graduating GPA was over 3.0.

"PRESENT: Bartender
I am the head bartender taking the most shifts as well as the most rewarding...In which ties to my role as assistant manager resolving problems and finding solutions when the manager is not available. Such as proper ways to treat food not up to the standard of the guest as well as unruly guests.

PREVIOUS: Fitness Councelor

At [redacted] i was a fitness councelor/sales man."

Does this make me laugh or make me sad?

From resume....

Skill Name/Level
multitasking: Intermediate
fax, copy, and call: Expert
compassion for others: Intermediate

Part Three of "Words I Never Expected to See on a Resume"

2006 brought you "Decapitated Head."
2007 brought you "Emergency Colonic."
2008...well, in 2008, I was busy.

2009?

Nipple!

And so many times! I count six.

"In this job, I am required to do many tasks such as testing the cow’s nipple for defects and defected milk, cleaning the nipple, and finally putting suction cups on the nipples that are not injured. While testing the person uses their fingers to squeeze some of the milk to make sure it is good. After that, we spray some disinfected spray that kills the bacteria. The cleaner has to make sure they clean off the nipple good so the chemical can be wiped off. Then finally, the last person will put the suction cups on the nipples so they could get the milk. While doing this one has to remember that, they cannot put a suction cup a nipple that has something wrong with it. When we are done with 16 stables of cows, we clean up and then clock out."

In 2009, there is no excuse...

...for faxing a resume with no email address on it. There was no excuse for it in 2006 or 2001 for that matter. Email is free and you can access the internet at the library.

I know this isn't a particularly funny post, Reader, but that just shows you the depth of my outrage.

I've spent all day phone screening candidates who can't answer a yes or no question without giving me their life story, correcting the errors of supposed support people who can't read written instructions and crafting diplomatic emails to said support people to ask THEM what I can do to make it easier for them to read written instructions.

So when I get to your resume, Antiquated Candidate, in my EMAIL inbox (because I haven't had a physical fax in over five years, my fax comes to my EMAIL goddammit because I live in THE PRESENT), and want to send you a note because it's already 7:45pm and I don't want to call and get caught up in another gratuitous phone conversation as I still have HOURS of work to do, I can't. I can't send you an email.

So guess what's going to happen? Tomorrow I'm going to be busy phone screening candidates with whom I was able to arrange VIA EMAIL a mutually-convenient time to speak. Then I'm going to be answering manager questions, handling background checks, correcting "support" staff mistakes and all of the other painful and innumerable details of this job. And by the time I get around to reaching out to new candidates, guess what? It's going to be 6pm or 7pm or 1am. And I'm going to contact the people who have emails.

Repeat this until I claw my way into another career and you'll see how soon I get to contacting you.

I already had a headache before I picked up the phone.

Me, at beginning of scheduled phone screen: "Thank you, Candidate, for setting up this time to speak with me today."
Candidate: "Actually, we set up the time yesterday."
Me: (speechless as head throbs)

Outsourcing '09

I'm busy, I'll have Fresh do the post today.

There's something kind of weirdly poetic about this...

...the repetition of the phrase "To await for next shipment" seems somehow wistful and melancholy in the midst of all of the oily talk.

But I don't know if you can call it an actual resume, which is how it was submitted to me.

Daily stock inventories for minimum and maximum refills, Receiving local vendor orders stocking products in their location and maintaining reports of received items and prices. Dispensing fuel, Unleaded to Company trucks, Diesel for Dock usage. Butane tanks for Warehouse lift, recording each department and their usage of the Stock Room product for later refrence, Receiving vedor at the Receiving/ Shipping Location referring to the Purchase Order for quantitiy and prices and which department the order goes to. Always making a separate file for local vendors and Off Island vendors on B/Orders. To await for next shipment. Entering products and location in the MP2 system for later inventories. Loading Diesel to tanks and Unleaded fuel. Keeping the Oil Storage stocked and inventory on the reorder status, Dispensing fuel to the Maintenance Worker, all the dispensing materials must have a requisition form filled out by Supervisor or Manager and signed before giving out such products. Each department has a code or account for their usage, Its important to keep record of the Requisition Order form Daily. Daily stock inventories for minimum and maximum refills, Receiving local vendor orders stocking products in their location and maintaining reports of received items and prices. Dispensing fuel, Unleaded to Company trucks, Diesel for Dock usage. Butane tanks for Warehouse lift, recording each department and their usage of the Stock Room product for later refrence, Receiving vedor at the Receiving/ Shipping Location referring to the Purchase Order for quantitiy and prices and which department the order goes to. Always making a separate file for local vendors and Off Island vendors on B/Orders. To await for next shipment. Entering products and location in the MP2 system for later inventories. Loading Diesel to tanks and Unleaded fuel. Keeping the Oil Storage stocked and inventory on the reorder status, Dispensing fuel to the Maintenance Worker, all the dispensing materials must have a requistion form filled out by Supervisor or Manager and signed before giving out such products. Each department has a code or account for their usage, Its important to keep record of the Requistion Order form Daily.