Outsourcing '09

I'm busy, I'll have Fresh do the post today.

Thank you, but no.

From resume:

"All interested (qualified) Decision Makers - please dial my dedicated voicemail box. Hear my voice and feel my High Vibration."

Confidential Again to Mr. Pissy Pants

Mr. Pissy Pants, I called you to follow-up on your bitchy note. I called the number you provided on your resume, the resume you submitted for this potentially $100K/yr base plus some kinda bonus job.

When the voicemail answered, it informed me in your smoove playa voice, that if the person leaving the message was female, most likely the call would be returned. If the person leaving the call was not female, "maybe you will, maybe you won't" return the call. I was delighted that you made it so clear that due to my gender I was more likely to receive a call back.

I wonder, though, if maybe, contrary to your bitchy note, it isn't that the hiring manager never attempted to contact you, it's that she called this very same number, again, provided on your resume. And it's possible that rather than being delighted, she had visions of the future sexual harassment lawsuits you would inspire with your colossally poor judgment on when and where is it appropriate to get your game on, and just hung the hell up.

I don't do that kind of screening.

(Okay, is this a prank of some sort that I should have been able to find on Snopes? Well, I couldn't so I 'm just going to assume this is what it is.)

So for some reason, candidates sometimes either add my name to their address book or else their e-mail program does it automatically, but at least once a month I get some random mass mailing from someone I sent a job description to a year ago.

Usually these mass e-mails are…well, the usual: hacky jokes about Men vs. Women or cute cute cute puppy pics or poems about Footprints or vaguely depressing holiday clip art.

But the below is a completely new one. I think I conducted a phone screen with him like in the tail end of 2005...but it's always nice to hear what folks are up to.

----------------------------------------------------
"From: [redacted Candidate Name]

Sent: Tue 1/2/2007 6:47 PM

To: [Everyone, apparently, that this Candidate has ever received an e-mail from, including his bank, Monster.com, etc.]

Subject: I GOT AN STD

I got Herpes from my ex wife [redacted]and gave them to my girl, I feel like shit... I just want everyone to know how sorry I am. "

Still Chiming My One Note

I am clearly playing the triangle in the giant orchestra that is blogging, because seriously, it's all the same stuff lately, ain't it? It's all some variation on my original post, namely, you are looking for employment. An exchange of skills and time for money. Not friendship, not a relationship, not a date.

I know I keep saying the same thing and every few days I get all Ram Dass on my own ass think, "You know what? I don't want to do the blog anymore because it's just more like, negativity, man, out in the world and there's so much of it out there and like I just want to be happy."

And it will go quiet in the recruiting world, candidates will be dutifully submitting cover letters and resumes that exhibit common sense and restraint, and they will not have "Smack That" as their ringback tone, and I will think I am safe.

But then someone slips up and I enter a Wormhole of Questionable Judgment and I cannot restrain myself from commenting upon it. I can't. To let this kind of thing go unremarked upon would like...like a tacit approval! How could I sleep at night?

So, once again, my advice:

• If you are a 51-year old man, do not put your myspace address on your resume.
• If you are a 51-year old man, who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, do not start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!"
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", then you might want to go scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc.
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", and you neglected to scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc., then you might want to dial back the more rabidly divisive political stuff.
  

If you are a 51-year old man who could bring yourself to do none of the above because, dammit, even during the job search every little thing in your life is a Song of Yourself and why SHOULDN'T you express your likes and dislikes as this is AMERICA, and what am I, some kind of commie?

Well, then, at the very least, can I beg you to edit down the like 2000 words of all cap screaming in your "About Me" and "Who I'd Like to Meet" section?

And might I also remark that just in the spirit of efficiency, you don't reallly NEED 2000 words, period, in your "Who I'd Like to Meet" section because you started it off with a somewhat naughty picture of a naughty girl, and I think that picture is actually worth your 2000 words.

I'm glad Ginuwine wants to sex you up...

...but do I need to hear about it when I am calling for a job?

(If you follow this link and click on "Listen" for Track 2, you will hear what I am referencing. No actual bad words are used but would use caution if you are in a cubicle environment and/or hyper-sensitive to rico-sauve talk.)

(Aside: I'm also glad that Ginuwine is exploring some alternate income streams here, because really, what's he been up to?)

If you have something like this, one of those ringback tone things you kids are all about nowadays, might I suggest you disable the feature during your job search. Or use a different phone.

If you insist on using it, try to avoid a song with lyrics containing the word that just got Michael Richards in trouble or ones that refer to humans with ovaries as "bitches." Because you never really know what the person calling you for a gig might think of those words. Or, as in my case, there might be things equally or more offensive on her iPod, but she will hang up just because it's so effing stupid and unprofessional that she can't be bothered to talk to you.

Again: email? Still free.

So please for the love of all that is right and good in the world...during the job-seeking process DO NOT use your address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" with (wait for it) the number 69 stuck in there for good measure.

And, if you DID have the good sense to leave it off your resume...if I am in the process of phone screening you, and ask you for your e-mail address, JUST LIE. LIE and tell me you need to set one up and then go set up an innocuous sounding account on yahoo or hotmail or whatever and call me back. Please please please DO NOT start spelling out your e-mail address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" + 69 to me over the phone because I already took one shower today and now I need to go take another.

Skeeved! (*Shudder!*)

Ten bucks says this is the office close-talker...

...and that he's always slinking into people's cubes to give unsolicited shoulder rubs.

From a cover letter (emphasis added for extra cringing power):

"My qualities I am sure would fit into any job description and will also help others to be motivated and bring a loving, positive atmoshere into any enveroment rather it be slow or fast paced."

And I'm just not even going to bother anymore with my whole spell-check/grammar-check campaign. I give up. You hear me? You've broken me, Candidate, you've broken my will to nitpick. I hope you're happy.

It's time for another installment of "Email is free."

So save the one you've created containing the phrase "dom in training" for handing your resume over to the Dungeon Master at the Gothic Castle.

("Dom" = dominant partner in BDSM situation.)

But for your general resume seeking, say, an administrative position in the vanilla world? Use an e-mail that won't make the hiring manager half-distracted during the interview, listening to see if she can hear the latex squeaking underneath your business suit.

JST/HNAR - Recurring Quickie: "E-mail is Free"

So don't use one that has the word "smutt" in it in your job application. Even if there is a modifying adjective that minimizes the impact. Just don't.

JST/HNAR - Recurring Quickie 1: "E-mail is Free"

So on your resume, DO NOT USE your e-mail address that contains the phrase "koreanpimp."

Or, for that matter, "africanpimp" or "scandanavianpimp" or "klingonpimp."

Basically, unless you are applying for an internship with Velvet Jones, AVOID THE WORD "PIMP" DURING THE JOB SEARCH. Because it makes you sound like a jackass.

E-mail is free: get one that shows you have a clue what the work world is about.

(P.S. No one said you have to like what the work world is about, which, generally, means fuddy-duddyism. But that's what it is and so go start your own business if you don't like it. Might I suggest a convenience titty bar called "Kum & Go.")