USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE

USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE
USING A SCRIPT FONT ON A WORD DOC IS NOT A SIGNATURE

I'm not saying anything mean about this.

Cuz there is just something very sweet and humble about it. I do not approve of personal info on a resume, but if you must, this is the maximum of what is allowed before you are going to elicit a response of irritation rather than "Well that's kind of nice."

OTHER INTERESTS

- Passion for technology and its practical applications
- Web and graphic design
- Playing Frisbee at the park with my family

Is "work at home pharmacy tech" resume speak for running your own meth lab?

No judgments, mind you, I support the small businessman.

Be aware of switching between passive vs active voice...

...because if you are not, your list of skills might sound less like you are a potentially quite valuable employee who can speak multiple languages, and more like you are the crappy parent of a potentially quite valuable employee who can speak multiple languages.

From resume:

Bilingual

• Partially raised a spanish speaker

• Spanish major
• Formal written and verbal translation

No Comment

Interest listed on resume:

Reading books written by James Patterson

Yes, yours and A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S

A candidate applied to our position directly and when asked for resume, entered:

Resume is on www.Monster.com under
sales manager

I suggest starting with these two new challenges:

1. Spelling. Some areas of focus:
a. "I before E except after C."
b. If your instinct tells you "Use an A!" question it. Question it closely.
c. If these prove problematic, consider using the spell check function on your computer.

2. Periods, and when to use them. Related: Run-on sentences, and what they are.

From resume:

"My experiance in the sales and finance feild has been long lasting and I have recieved over 40 salesman of the month awards and am looking for new challanges."

:)

Unless you are applying to study at Clown College or to work at a scrapbooking store or childcare centers, smiley faces have no place on your resume. One to grow on.

Craigslister, Craigslist Thyself.

This is nitpicky, but when you are selling nitpicking, close up those parantheses, Sharp Eyes.

• Writing/Editing Help - Grammar is my forte.
  
  Hello,
  I am offering my stellar writing and editing skills to those in need!
  
  If you are a student, struggling to piece together a coherent paper, I can help! If your grammar or spelling is subpar, and you need a set of sharp eyes to fix all your semantic blunders, I am your gal!
  
  I charge $15-25/hr, depending on the extent of the job. If you are a "starving student" we may be able to strike a deal.
  
  What I will not do:
  - Write your paper for you
  - Correct factual inaccuracies (e.g. "Oregon State is located on the Atlantic Coast."
  
  Contact me for a quote!
  
  

An On-Going Series: Conversations I Don't Understand Why I'm Having

(Ring, ring, pick up the phone, greetings exchanged)
Candidate: You called me about a job. Me: Yes we are looking for [highly-specific job] in the area.
Candidate: Oh, well, I'm now doing this other kind of job and I'm not looking for something else.
Me: Oh, okay.
Candidate: I did do [highly-specific job] for about three years. I still have [highly-specific certifications] active. [spends another minute giving me more details about how he's well-qualified for the job I'm recruiting for]
Me: Oh, that's great, but...uh...did you also just say you are not interested in a new opportunity right now?
Candidate: Right.

?

"Someone has asked(not so nicely)if the human resource managers in the area would post they're contact information. Please note that even though it would help dramatically if you would offer such information, we are all aware that you truely don't have to. In fact, I myself am experienced in this resources MO that I know the only reason for this is so that you believe that your saving time by not having to deal with anyone that you have already hired and had to let go. While at the same time making everyone that has worked for you, call you, and there by have to apologise for costing you another worker. Reality check!! Just because someone thinks that your they're last employer does'nt make any difference, they'll still call and waste a little more of your day. As well, if you continue to show everyone that just because you have the right to hire, and or fire, simply because the economy has left you holding the long end of the stick, does'nt mean that said employee will forgive and forget when it comes time to having EVERYONE working. If you see someone has not been working out, FIRE HIM and/or HER, but don't continue to take it out on everyone that is just moving into the area as well as anyone that might just want a WORKING RELATIONSHIP with you and your company. Now as far as the person that sent that message; Please keep in mind that the PEOPLE that your addressing are just that, people, and if they can find away to keep things rolling,....They will!! This has nothing to do with you. Such is the nature of capitolism, I don't mean anything personal about it but,...you can't feed your childern in about two to three weeks,.... and even though I am fully aware that if I would just lower my own cost of living, you could,... I won't Now if you really want to help,(while you have a little free time)start speading the news. STOP CALLING IT INFLATION,...IT'S GREED,PURE AND SIMPLE! "

"So help me God"

This is not a resume headline.

Unless, I guess, you are a baliff. Which, Candidate Who Did Use This, you are not.

It's 1:30AM on the weekend and I am working...

...so thank you, Candidate, for the end-of-resume LOL:

Special Interests:
Awesome taste in music
Amateur conga player

Young ladies, I have two words for you.

CAPITAL LETTERS.

Not, though, like above. Not ALL CAPS. Not Extraneous Capitalization.

Just adequate. Like, for example, your name. Yes, your name, be it Ashley or Tiffany or Stephanie or Brittany or Misty or Amber. Which it usually is.

Though your name might be common, it does not mean it does not deserve some respect. Some special consideration. Is your name a plate? A rock? A speck of dust?

No, it is your name. It's a proper name, even. So, please, use a capital letter for it.

Inevitably, when I see a new applicant in my system who appears like this:

angela anylastname

I already know what the resume is. She probably graduated from high school in the past five years. She doesn't live in a metropolitan area. She works at a big box retailer or chain restaurant. She's worked a lot of places in those five years.

I'm not saying any of that as a criticism or mockery. I'll mock people for a lot of things on this blog, but not, generally, for circumstances beyond their control, like the accident of when and where they were born, and how much money their parents probably had.

But it does sort of stick in my craw in some way.

Sure, it's probably just a texting culture, one that doesn't value grammar. I realize my Old Timey insistence on proper English is tilting at windmills.

However, it's not usually the guys who do this. Sure, sometimes your Matthews and Joshs and Dustins and Brads might not capitalize, but even those fellows whose work history, education and geographic origins are the same as the ashleys and tiffanys usually capitalize their own names.

I'm a writer, languange and how people use it means something to me. And the fact that these girls don't think their name needs to be capitalized...I can't help but think that means something too.

No, that's called a "favor."

From resume:

Volunteer Work:
Helped fix my neighbors porch

Start Small

From resume:

"To tackle customers needs in designing and creating there kitchen and bath remodeling additions and updates. "

I truly do appreciate that this candidate is showing some initiative in selecting more action-oriented verbs. But I think you should master basic grammar first before getting creative.

Meet Your College Graduates, America!

Hi America!!!! How are you doing?

I just wanted to take a moment out from my busy schedule of sighing, eye-rolling, gritting my teeth and putting myself on mute so that I can yelp with agony to help brighten your day with the Hope and Promise of the next generation of Recent College Grads.

Here are some confidence-instilling tidbits from a recent resume of, yes, an actual Bachelor-degree havin' young person. His/her graduating GPA was over 3.0.

"PRESENT: Bartender
I am the head bartender taking the most shifts as well as the most rewarding...In which ties to my role as assistant manager resolving problems and finding solutions when the manager is not available. Such as proper ways to treat food not up to the standard of the guest as well as unruly guests.

PREVIOUS: Fitness Councelor

At [redacted] i was a fitness councelor/sales man."

Does this make me laugh or make me sad?

From resume....

Skill Name/Level
multitasking: Intermediate
fax, copy, and call: Expert
compassion for others: Intermediate

Part Three of "Words I Never Expected to See on a Resume"

2006 brought you "Decapitated Head."
2007 brought you "Emergency Colonic."
2008...well, in 2008, I was busy.

2009?

Nipple!

And so many times! I count six.

"In this job, I am required to do many tasks such as testing the cow’s nipple for defects and defected milk, cleaning the nipple, and finally putting suction cups on the nipples that are not injured. While testing the person uses their fingers to squeeze some of the milk to make sure it is good. After that, we spray some disinfected spray that kills the bacteria. The cleaner has to make sure they clean off the nipple good so the chemical can be wiped off. Then finally, the last person will put the suction cups on the nipples so they could get the milk. While doing this one has to remember that, they cannot put a suction cup a nipple that has something wrong with it. When we are done with 16 stables of cows, we clean up and then clock out."

In 2009, there is no excuse...

...for faxing a resume with no email address on it. There was no excuse for it in 2006 or 2001 for that matter. Email is free and you can access the internet at the library.

I know this isn't a particularly funny post, Reader, but that just shows you the depth of my outrage.

I've spent all day phone screening candidates who can't answer a yes or no question without giving me their life story, correcting the errors of supposed support people who can't read written instructions and crafting diplomatic emails to said support people to ask THEM what I can do to make it easier for them to read written instructions.

So when I get to your resume, Antiquated Candidate, in my EMAIL inbox (because I haven't had a physical fax in over five years, my fax comes to my EMAIL goddammit because I live in THE PRESENT), and want to send you a note because it's already 7:45pm and I don't want to call and get caught up in another gratuitous phone conversation as I still have HOURS of work to do, I can't. I can't send you an email.

So guess what's going to happen? Tomorrow I'm going to be busy phone screening candidates with whom I was able to arrange VIA EMAIL a mutually-convenient time to speak. Then I'm going to be answering manager questions, handling background checks, correcting "support" staff mistakes and all of the other painful and innumerable details of this job. And by the time I get around to reaching out to new candidates, guess what? It's going to be 6pm or 7pm or 1am. And I'm going to contact the people who have emails.

Repeat this until I claw my way into another career and you'll see how soon I get to contacting you.

I already had a headache before I picked up the phone.

Me, at beginning of scheduled phone screen: "Thank you, Candidate, for setting up this time to speak with me today."
Candidate: "Actually, we set up the time yesterday."
Me: (speechless as head throbs)

Outsourcing '09

I'm busy, I'll have Fresh do the post today.

There's something kind of weirdly poetic about this...

...the repetition of the phrase "To await for next shipment" seems somehow wistful and melancholy in the midst of all of the oily talk.

But I don't know if you can call it an actual resume, which is how it was submitted to me.

Daily stock inventories for minimum and maximum refills, Receiving local vendor orders stocking products in their location and maintaining reports of received items and prices. Dispensing fuel, Unleaded to Company trucks, Diesel for Dock usage. Butane tanks for Warehouse lift, recording each department and their usage of the Stock Room product for later refrence, Receiving vedor at the Receiving/ Shipping Location referring to the Purchase Order for quantitiy and prices and which department the order goes to. Always making a separate file for local vendors and Off Island vendors on B/Orders. To await for next shipment. Entering products and location in the MP2 system for later inventories. Loading Diesel to tanks and Unleaded fuel. Keeping the Oil Storage stocked and inventory on the reorder status, Dispensing fuel to the Maintenance Worker, all the dispensing materials must have a requisition form filled out by Supervisor or Manager and signed before giving out such products. Each department has a code or account for their usage, Its important to keep record of the Requisition Order form Daily. Daily stock inventories for minimum and maximum refills, Receiving local vendor orders stocking products in their location and maintaining reports of received items and prices. Dispensing fuel, Unleaded to Company trucks, Diesel for Dock usage. Butane tanks for Warehouse lift, recording each department and their usage of the Stock Room product for later refrence, Receiving vedor at the Receiving/ Shipping Location referring to the Purchase Order for quantitiy and prices and which department the order goes to. Always making a separate file for local vendors and Off Island vendors on B/Orders. To await for next shipment. Entering products and location in the MP2 system for later inventories. Loading Diesel to tanks and Unleaded fuel. Keeping the Oil Storage stocked and inventory on the reorder status, Dispensing fuel to the Maintenance Worker, all the dispensing materials must have a requistion form filled out by Supervisor or Manager and signed before giving out such products. Each department has a code or account for their usage, Its important to keep record of the Requistion Order form Daily.

Unexpected Consequence of a Bad Economy

People are actually not outright hostile to a call from someone who wants to talk to them about a job.

I never got that: YOU put your resume online, indicating that you would be interested in considering a new role. Why are you mad that I am calling you about one?

Even if the role I call you about is a little different than what you are looking for, a) isn't it nice to know you have options and b) seriously what the hell is your problem?

"No, thank you, but I appreciate the call." Eight words, probably what, three seconds? Lord love a duck, unless you just got the diagnosis and you only have four seconds to live, chill out already.

Anyway. So that was the world I used to live in when I was last recruiting like this. It seems to be a whole different ballgame and I, for one, am not complaining at all.

I will, Candidate, I will savor it like a fine wine.

From resume headline:

"Please take your time reading my resume."

No you're not.

From resume headline:

"I'M THE CANIDATE YOUR LOOKING FOR."

And if you can't see why, that's why.

'America's Next Top Model' has had eleven cycles...

...and even being seventeen years old is no excuse for having the idea that you can get a job as a model by posting a resume (you know, something that consists of TEXT not PICTURES) on a major job board.

"I'm seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I'm very determined and interested in becoming a model. I don't have experience in the modeling field, however, I am willing to go the extra mile to fulfill my dream. "

Well, go the extra mile and actually do what it takes to fulfill your dreams, like:

1. TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH.
2. Put photographs in a place where people who hire models might see them.
3. And so on.

However, one thing that you should NOT learn from America's Next Top Model is the idea that being "determined and interested in becoming a model" = becoming a model. While that show does include "Wanting It the Most" as a pre-qualification for becoming a regular fashion model, it's probably slightly more important to be a genetic anomaly who is tall, thin, freakishly symmetrical, small-featured, and, you know, generally considered beautiful.

Then again, what do I know? Maybe posting a resume is the secret backdoor to the fashion industry that they've never mentioned in the twenty years of Vogue I've read.

I'm sorry he filed for divorce...

...but can you stop yelling at me about it on your resume? (Details changed to protect the screamy.)

"I WAS MARRIED TO THE DR AND I ASSISTED HIM WITH OPENING HIS PRACTICE AND WORKING WITH HIM. HE FILED FOR A DIVORCE AND HE ENDED MY JOB. I HAVE BEEN AN RN SINCE 1975 AND WORKED IN PRE-NATAL FOR 17 YEARS. I ALSO, ASSISTED MY HUSBAND FOR 8 YEARS. I THEN WORKED IN A CLINIC FOR SEVERAL PHYSICIANS FOR 3 YEARS BEFORE HE OPENED HIS PRESENT MEDICAL PRACTICE IN [redacted, also shrieked] IN WHICH I WORKED UNTIL HE FILED FOR A DIVORCE."

I was trying to stay positive...

...but they won't behave.

Craigslist Grabbag...Grab Bag?...Grab-Bag?

All the below are resume headlines from Craigslist:

If you do outside criminal background checks. Dont bother.

If you can teach it, I WILL SALE IT!!!
I just don't know how good you can truly be at selling if you don't know that word exists.

From resume headline AND Department of Lowered, Sad-Making Expectations: Recent college graduate seeking an entry level admin position

From a resume headline I forgot to post about back when this resume was relevant cuz summertime fun is OVER: Gay summer personal assistant

Once again, careless placement of modifiers might just create questions rather than instill in potential employers an overwhelming desire to hire your sizzling competence like yesterday.

I mean, first of all, I don't need to know that you are gay, but this is where my thoughts immediately go when I read that (read in voice of Ronco announcer):

Are you planning on having a Gay Summer but are overwhelmed at the thought of how much is involved? Making the reservations at P-Town? The manscaping? The purchasing of lube and hot pants? Making a house mix for the BBQ? It's endless, girlfriend!! [Of course in the commercial I am making in my head, that last sentence has a dude in a mesh shirt like collapsing on a pile of CD's on a table.] Never fear! Your Gay Summer Personal Assistant is here.

Or was. But the summer, Gay or no, is over.

(And I'm sorry, Gay Husband, for the parade of Gay Cliches but whatever, you do it too. Shut up.)

"Yeah, I got a solution, you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!"

I have always been a fan of dystopian fiction. I think mainly I just like the creativity involved in making up a whole world but am far too fundamentally skeptical of human nature to think it would be remotely accurate for things not to be fucked up. Also, it's why I always thought the idea of Heaven was boring: what do you do after that if everything's perfect, right?

So anyhooze, when I was in middle/high school I was all 1984, like that was how things were going to work out. Understandable: while living in one's parents' house, living under the crushing weight of someone else's rules and authority might cause one to project that out into the future too.

Then I got out into the world and was then all, "Hold up. BRAVE NEW WORLD." It seemed clear that was a more accurate dystopian vision, what with the castes and the soma and the feelies and Fordism and everything.

Let's turn to someone smarter and more articulate than me to sum it up. Sayeth Neil Postman:

"What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy."

Then tonight I saw like an even more accurate dystopian vision, one that starts with the same kind of hypothesis as Brave New World, but is able to add a timeliness that makes it even more...well, it's just that it's refined further, refined with the Now, with the knowledge of where we are and how the current trajectory might be affected by what's happened since Huxley wrote his idea about the future.

I feel I have the authority to make an assessment on the accuracy of this vision based on exactly what I have been documenting in this blog (you were wondering how the fuck my little comp lit aside was all going to come back to resumes, right?).

And not just what I document in this blog; I also have another job, which I can't really get into too much, but let me just give you an example of the kind of stellar mind I have exposure to in that one (believe me, context is unnecessary, although I will tell you that context would only make this seem worse):

"You is a dumb bitch how in da !@#!@ is they gon move to a new state and they was born and raised ther and thats where ther jobs are. U dumb bitch think. Man i tell u bitches dese days r stupid ass hell. And if they were to move it would probably be L.A. "

So anyway, tonight I watched Idiocracy, the Mike Judge film that came out a few years ago with like no press for some reason I could probably research and won't.

I feel like a dork making a movie recommendation on this blog. A) I hate movies, with the exception of documentaries or anything made before 1979. B) Like how much more masturbatory-bloggy can you get? Who gives a fuck what movie I just watched? and C) Like a lot of people seemed to think that Idiocracy isn't ABOUT stupidity, it IS stupid, and I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid now too, like I have contact stupidity from my daily exposure to it,

But all I could think upon watching it is that first off, how Luke Wilson's character seems to feel once he gets to the future Idiocracy is how I feel EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE and second, holy shit, this isn't satire, this is fucking PRESCIENT.

(In case you don't know what the movie is about, Judge basically extrapolates a dystopian future based on the fact that I believe birth rates are inversely proportional to IQ levels. So like take the second quote above and then breed that person with others like him for centuries, et voila.)

I was simultaneously delighted yet terrified. Judge puts this dystopian society 500 years into the future. I think he was being optimistic; my experience is we don't have that long to wait.

14-year-old Girl + Nightshift Dad – Mom + Babysitter Encouraged to Sleep During Shift = Teen Pregnancy

I mean, I hope I'm dead wrong but I'm wee bit concerned for the daughter here. Install locks on the windows, Nightshift Dad. And good luck, for serious.

From Craigslist Job Posting, emphasis added:

"WANTED SITTER TO WATCH MY 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WHILE I'M AT WORK FROM 8:00PM TILL 4:00AM MON THRU FRIDAY.REFRENCES NEEDED,I AM WIDOWED, AND LOOKING FOR A RESPONSIBLE SITTER BETWEEN THE AGES OF 30 TO 50 TO HELP OUT LIKE A MOM WOULD DO. LIVE IN AVAILABLE TO THE RIGHT PERSON.ALSO HOUSE CLEANING IF WANTED TO BUT NOT A MUST. PAY DEPENDS ON IF YOU LIVE IN OR HOUSECLEAN TOO MINIMUM PAY WILL BE $150.00 A WEEK. IKNOW 150.00 IS NOT ALOT OF MONEY BUT YOU CAN WATCH TV OR JUST SLEEP THE ENTIRE 8 HOURS WHILE I'M GONE WILL PAY MORE FOR CLEANING HOUSE."

If I ever need comprehensive, global legal services in business and litigation...

...I am using the law firm Morrison & Foerster.

Why?

Is it because they have "more than a thousand lawyers in eighteen offices around the world"?

Or because their "corporate practices are frequently cited and ranked among the "Best Practices" in their respective markets by publications such as the American Lawyer Corporate Scorecard , Mergerstat, Bloomberg, Thomson Financial League Tables and others"?

No and no.

It's because their website address is http://www.mofo.com/.

Yes, so what? I have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy. Um, established.

Nevertheless, think about it. Wouldn't you want a mofo on your side?

Hands down: BEST RESUME HEADLINE EVER.

From an entertainment perspective.

Don't know if this could actually land you a job, but kudos, sir, for sheer balls-to-the-wall gumption:

"5,000 A MONTH & I'LL DO ANYTHING EXCEPT SHOOT YOUR WIFE"

Was this written by a human...

...or an automated corporate buzzword generator? Your guess is as good as mine.

"[Redacted] is a highly dynamic and proactive agent of change who can rapidly visualize world-class methods of empowerment, while interactively maintaining ethical e-services. She is the only person I've ever met who can both optimize multidisciplinary architectures and assertively cultivate process-centric bandwidth."

I could possibly try to figure out what concept is actually being communicated in that final sentence. I could also tear my own fingernails out with pliers but I'm not going to do that either.

I think you posted in the wrong section, Young Man.

This was in a job-seeking section of Craigslist...but I'm thinking this young fellow might be more accurately characterized as job-giving, potentially. And I didn't realize they were calling them "mentors" these days...

I am, however, pleased to see some equal opportunity in the Craigslist's resume section in that usually it's the ladies who are always trotting out just how attractive they are in their resumes.

"I'm In Need Of A Mentor/Job

Hello, I need a successful professional to mentor me. My name is Daniel, I'm 23 years of age. I'm looking for a job opportunity to present itself... I have a handsome appearance & am in excellent physical condition. I'm curious to find my place in a well paying occupation. I have confidence to assist you wherever needed, to benefit mutually. If you are interested in presenting an opportunity, I would be very greatful as I am in need of some help. I need to earn my keep to sustain & maintain my expenses without going under. If you can, please reply with some ideas or open doors. I have references & pictures if interested... Thanks"

Can you please pick me up some Fritos and a fountain Diet Coke on your way to work?

No pokin' fun here, just appreciating the awsometacularity of this address from a job-seeker's recent resume (modified somewhat to protect the innocent but crucial bits left intact and emphasized).

"Address 21, 14th Main,
Seddi Layout,
Main Road,
Near Banaswadi Petrol Pump,
Bangalore"

Microwave burritos for all!