My underlings are killing me.

KILLING ME.

I feel it's tacky to bitch too much about co-workers (because they are, you know, real people as opposed to the theoretical people as represented by a resume or brief phone screen).

But I will say the following. These sentence fragments?

"The candidate presented his self well..."

AND

"She holds her employees to high standers..."

I am really REALLY the wrong person to whom to present those.

No fake. I think of all the people in the universe who should not be in charge of people with truly poor grammar, I am at the top of the list.

Like I am filled with such a white hot blinding rage - a rage that feels, as Vonnegut said in Mother Night, as though I hate with God on my side - at the existence of those sentences...it's not good. It's not good for anybody.

"Obsessive grammarian seeks position as proofreader, writer, or editor."

Thus spake the resume headline and the resume itself was refreshingly - and appropriately - completely free of typos or mangled language.

Candidate, I wish I had a job to give you. I would like to make you Manager of the World. Because if there is one thing that makes the gnarled little knot of coal in my chest almost beat like a normal human heart, it is an obsessive grammarian.

One quibble...

...the "very bright" part.

From a Craigslist "Resume":

"Need Someone to Walk/Bike Long Distances or Just Do a Lot of Walking?

I am accustomed to walking 5-10 or more miles per day. I enjoy walking and being outdoors. I'm not sure what kind of jobs would need this, but if you have one, please let me know! I'm open to any suggestions. I'm 22, female, quite strong, and very bright. If the position you're looking to fill does not require walking, feel free to contact me anyway as I do need to start working soon. No sales jobs, please. Thank you very much! : ) "

And that's it!

Well, sure! I'll be sure to contact you for any non-sales jobs I might have that do or do not require walking. I guess I know you can...um...walk...and...type emoticons. Great!

****

Craigslist...well, it's almost too easy, you know? I'm reluctant to really make a whole post out of the general economy-sized bag of nuts that is Craigslist but what blog about recruiting would be complete without mentioning it?

Gawker did a periodic piece where they would take a certain section of Craigslist - like "Missed Connections" or "Holiday Gigs", and make a pie chart out of some breakdown of the postings. I could make you a pie chart too...but...yeah, I'm not going to. How about a bulleted list? That I can do.

So here is my breakdown of resume themes as posted on Craigslist:

• Normal people looking for normal work in a normal way (snoozers!).
• People who feel that this is the most effective way to find a job: tell you about some bad shit that happened to them and then say they need a job. (End of post. No listing of any experience, education, possible benefit to the employer, etc.)
• People who are looking for a job. But can only work 6.33 hrs. per week. And only when the moon is waning. And the job must be on their bus route. And they can't work for people named "Ken" or who wear purple. And they need you to know they only eat string cheese so if you have a problem with that then maybe this isn't going to work out. You know, like Extraneous Capitalizer.
• People who sorta wanna work in some field, you know, like they'd really like to get into real estate appraisal but they don't have any experience...or they're really good at tying shoelaces do you have anything that requires tying shoelaces?...or they just want a "survival" job while they pursue their real passion...do you have anything like that? End of posting.

Since I'm obviously phoning it in today, please write your own "Gee I wonder why they're unemployed" punchline.

Happy Friday!

ALERT!! New Stupid Made-Up Corporate Word to Replace Stupid Overused Corporate Word

At some point, Office Worker, you just capitulated, didn't you?

You were initially hesitant because it seemed to be used so ubiquitously by the upper-management types. Those folks whose language seems to consist completely of meaningless buzz-word filler.

You tried your best but you couldn't resist the constant onslaught, right? You eventually started using the word "proactive."

Well get ready for the next horrorshow, proactive's heir:

PLANFUL.

Planful.

Planful.

A muckety-muck used this word in a conference call last week. I have been blissfully removed from these kinds of meeting for the past couple years or so, so possibly this is not new. Possibly this is old hat like "impactful." (Miles away, I know Gay Husband is reading this and shuddering.)

But it's new to me. New and ATROCIOUS.

Why don't you just shit on a Powerpoint and call it a day, muckety-mucks? Why use the English language at all when you clearly hold it in such contempt?

If blogs were scratch and sniff...

...mine would smell like lemon drops and cotton candy and clean puppy tummies.

Joy.

Joy is what it would scratch and sniff like.

Because tomorrow, Reader, tomorrow is the day that I NO LONGER HAVE TO TALK TO THE GODDAMN PUBLIC ALL THE GODDAMN DAY.

My head is exploding with rainbows. My heart wants to sing every song it hears.

Now if you'll excuse me, my floppy hat and I are going to go twirl on a mountaintop.

(P.S. I will continue to have some goodies. I will still be looking at resumes, so please do continue to tune in if you so wish.)

BREAKING!! Extraneous Capitalizer, Still Looking for Work, No Longer Capitalizing

Soooo...I think Extraneous Capitalizer has opted for "Sentence Case" instead of "Title Case" for her latest posting, but despite these being confidential postings, I am still pretty sure this is all the same person. Her little looking-for-work-by-outlining-my-bitterness-at-the-inexorable-march-of-time-in-poetic-format postings have become like my favorite Easter Egg of the resume search.

"Great at screening calls and getting the
messages straight.
Sharp dresser!
I don't have kids.
I don't have a husband who calls me
at work.
I arrive to work with a great "Can Do"
type of attitude with the cellphone
shut off during business hours.
Tired of the young girls who bring
nothing but drama to the office
and do not work?
I never make any personal calls at
work, I am outgoing and organized. "

I have two questions, Reader:

• How many cats do you think she has?
• How long do you think it will be before she mentions them?