Because work is all...work-like n shit...

From Craigslist's (sigh) resume posting, listed in location "RICH PEOPLE:"

"I know this may sound king of lame and all but I need someone willing to give me $15,000. I'm that much in debt with credit cards and I have nothing to pay for them. I did have a job but it's gone now. I'm trying and trying to get another job but I've had no luck. Now all my bills are due and that amount is increasing each month. Is there anyone out there willing to give me some of their money so I can at least pay all of it or half? I know you're saying get a job and all but damn I've been trying and trying, so I figured I've give this a shot and see if there are generous people out there willing to share an amount of money with me without asking for anything in return. Please, someone help me out. Thank you. I live in Riverside, CA and thought maybe L.A. county would be a good place to put this. Thank you very much. Julie"

#1? Yes, that does sound king of lame.
#2? So you have crippling credit card debt? Welcome to the USA, Sweetie. And I have three jobs to work off mine so suck it. Try harder.
#3? "Without asking anything in return"? You can't at least offer to clean a house, pay it back in ten years, name a first child after them, something? WTF?

Recruiter, Heal Thyself Some More

Received an e-mail today from a recruiting company much like my very own. My resume is kind of confidentially lolly-gagging out on some job boards, just to see what else might be out there.

So it is the sort of usual e-mail that I send out to candidates, but unlike the ones I send out to candidates, this recruiter doesn't bother to hide his/her contempt for her audience:

"1. Click the link in this sentence to send your resume in Microsoft Word (.doc not .rtf) format (attach it, do not copy and paste into the email) with all contact info to IThinkAllCandidatesAreIdiotsWhoMustBeSpokenToLikeSixYearOlds- AlsoTheWord"Please"IsForPussies@NamelessRecruitingCompany.com.

2. Copy and paste the title and reference number into the subject box.
Then type your current salary and minimum salary requirement next to the reference number.
Do not send a range.
Must be an exact number. Please [oops, okay, there was a "please" in there, but still.] send the very minimum that you will accept "down to the penny." This is how the subject must look, see example below:Sr. Recruiter current: $ "current pay"/hr, minimum: $ "minimum accepted pay"/hr
3. On your resume, give the best time and telephone number to reach you."

I know I always feel like I am being recruited for a company that values me as an individual and not just as a widget when I have to put my salary requirements "down to the penny" in the SUBJECT HEADER of the e-mail.

Jesus Christ I know we DON'T care about people but lord can't we pretend that we'll at least read an e-mail response instead of making it clear that we'll just delete it unopened if it's a penny over what we can pay?

TACKY.

Still Chiming My One Note

I am clearly playing the triangle in the giant orchestra that is blogging, because seriously, it's all the same stuff lately, ain't it? It's all some variation on my original post, namely, you are looking for employment. An exchange of skills and time for money. Not friendship, not a relationship, not a date.

I know I keep saying the same thing and every few days I get all Ram Dass on my own ass think, "You know what? I don't want to do the blog anymore because it's just more like, negativity, man, out in the world and there's so much of it out there and like I just want to be happy."

And it will go quiet in the recruiting world, candidates will be dutifully submitting cover letters and resumes that exhibit common sense and restraint, and they will not have "Smack That" as their ringback tone, and I will think I am safe.

But then someone slips up and I enter a Wormhole of Questionable Judgment and I cannot restrain myself from commenting upon it. I can't. To let this kind of thing go unremarked upon would like...like a tacit approval! How could I sleep at night?

So, once again, my advice:

• If you are a 51-year old man, do not put your myspace address on your resume.
• If you are a 51-year old man, who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, do not start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!"
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", then you might want to go scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc.
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", and you neglected to scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc., then you might want to dial back the more rabidly divisive political stuff.
  

If you are a 51-year old man who could bring yourself to do none of the above because, dammit, even during the job search every little thing in your life is a Song of Yourself and why SHOULDN'T you express your likes and dislikes as this is AMERICA, and what am I, some kind of commie?

Well, then, at the very least, can I beg you to edit down the like 2000 words of all cap screaming in your "About Me" and "Who I'd Like to Meet" section?

And might I also remark that just in the spirit of efficiency, you don't reallly NEED 2000 words, period, in your "Who I'd Like to Meet" section because you started it off with a somewhat naughty picture of a naughty girl, and I think that picture is actually worth your 2000 words.

And there were three mattresses, one of which had blood-stains on the side.

I spent last night in a crappy motel with a cat that (who?) decided at 4:45AM that he didn't like it anymore and spent the next hour crying and pooping.

So I am not prepared for your near-cryptic e-mails that sound vaguely like foreign spam this morning, Candidate. Please try again.


"Hello Ill-Suit,

Thank you very much for the email.

Yes, I am interested for the position. Please, see attached my resume file.

you can process a brief, 10-minute phone screen with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as December 6. If the schedule is not inconvenient for you, please let me know for any time."

That sound you heard, Candidate...

...was the phone falling from my hand in stunned disbelief when you said the following sentence to me (emphasis, this time, not really added, just transcribed):

"Yeah, right now, I'm really working a solid forty hours a week."

Now, please excuse me for a moment, Candidate, while I turn to Reader(s) and explain this to them.

Was this person emphasizing the amazing work-life balance available in their current position?

Or was this a person in a part-time position explaining why she figured she might as well move to a full-time role?

No, Reader(s), and no.

This was a person COMPLAINING. To ME. The person interviewing them for a FULL-TIME job.

I mean, look, you can see the time I'm posting this, I'm no innocent, I know we don't always work a "solid forty hours a week."

Nevertheless, do we complain about it when we have to? You know, complain about working the number of hours generally considered to be a normal workweek? In a job interview? What is she, from FRANCE or something?

P.S. She wasn't. And not slagging off on the French, just sayin' I'd understand the statement if she had been.

This isn't helping.

Right now, when I am not talking to people with vague jobs related to "process improvements" (I love how the lack of common sense, institutionalized in Corporate America, has now spawned an entire career path/industry that is, at its most basic, basically about making people do things in a logical way), I am talking to accountants.

Which, actually, I wasn't entirely minding: at least what they do (bean counting) makes sense to me.

Then I saw this.

You would think this would make me like them more. But it doesn't.

Burning Yer Bridges, Take Two

Reader, are you seated?

I need to tell you something.

I…occasionally…make mistakes.

I know this might be hard for you to fathom, but it does happen.

For example, sometimes I have in front of me a job description that is a dense two pages of text, none of which seems to correspond to actual human activity; a hiring manager who will not make time to talk to me; and direct recruiting leadership that is as clueless as – if not more than – I. In such a situation, I might, on occasion, contact the wrong candidate for a position.

Like, for example, if in the two –single-spaced, with no paragraphs – pages of job description, (with so many words you think there would also be some actual information, but, you know, this is the Corporate America, aka, Bizarro World), I see something approximating what might be position requirements, like, say, “head-standing queeg analysis” and “underseas florn-jumping.” (I know, that just sounds ridiculously unrealistic – I mean, there are no acronyms in those at all – but just go with it.)

And, in conducting a search online, I come across a resume that says “single-legged queeg analysis” and “partially-submerged florn-jumping.” In fact, I come across maybe two resumes total with anything even mentioning queeg analysis and/or florn-jumping. And the other dude already works for the company I’m recruiting for.

So I risk it. I send the job description to that one person I find, even though it might be a little off.

Now possibly, to someone with advanced degrees in both queeg analysis and florn-jumping, this might be a ludicrous, possibly insulting error.

And maybe, in whatever Bizarro World I have unwittingly stumbled into, you have the resume equivalent of like Scarlett Johansson, just The Absolute Most Searched Resume in the World. And possibly, you find yourself so inundated, so completely besieged by recruiters attempting to inaccurately match you up with employment, that you can no longer bear it.

Here are a few suggestions.

1) Take down your resume. Don’t leave it to languish out there, all seductive and vulnerable. Set up a job search agent and only apply for the jobs that match what you are looking for. (And be ready for the job search agent to be wrong every once in a while, too.)
2) If you simply MUST leave your resume up there to tempt us recruiters to send you the wrong job…well, here’s a thought: why not set up an anonymous blog to outline all those recruiters’ mistakes for you and your fellow partially-submerged florn-jumpers to laugh at. (I will vouch: it’s therapeutic!)

What I would absolutely NOT suggest you do is the following: send me a rude and insulting e-mail questioning my intelligence and professionalism.

Because guess what? Five minutes after you do, the company’s decided to move operations to a sand bar, and now I need to look for partially-submerged florn-jumpers. Now it’s perfect for you. A little bump in salary too. And this company would be a shorter commute.

And no matter how hard up I am for candidates: I WILL NEVER CALL YOU FOR THIS POSITION. I will also send your e-mail around to my counterparts, and make a note in the company database. So I doubt they will be calling you either.

“So what?” you might scoff. “You saw how few candidates there are with my skill set. You don’t want to hire me? About 100 other companies do.”

All righty then. Then the last thing I will say is that, much like the wise patron avoids pissing off his/her server (you know, the person who brings you the food you are about to ingest?), might I also suggest that you not insult the people who have access to your personal data?

Like your e-mail? Your phone number? Your home address?

Please know, I’m not saying that I would ever do ANYTHING with that confidential information. I took The Sacred Oath of Recruiting the day I got my BigJobBoard.com log on. (I’m kidding. There is no Oath, no one cares.)

But I still wouldn’t ever do anything, because I’m a Good Girl, a Very Very Good Girl, virtuous to the point of self-hindrance at times.

Then again…it is always the quiet ones, isn’t it?

Good Morning, Sunshine!

I received the below from an internal candidate or a contractor with the organization for which I'm recruiting. This was in response to my "I received your resume..." e-mail:

"No, Ill-Suit. I am not interested the [redacted] position. I am not very excited about the competence of this department. Is the hiring manager [redacted]? If it is, definitely a NO!"

What is that smell? Coffee? No?

I love the smell of burning bridges in the morning...smells like...career suicide.

JST/HNAR - Part Whatever: "I've lost count"

I think my initial attempts to sort of structure this into categories has long since fallen by the wayside, so until I figure out how to tag this thing, I'm not going to worry it. The lack of common sense I witness daily is too monolithic to slap a label onto (until, of course, I figure out the labels).

Anyway, today's resume tidbit, from candidate's "Work Experience" section (identifying details, obviously, altered to protect...well, actually, me. I could get fired for this stuff):

"Big Nameless University - August 2006
Research Assistant

Big Tech Company - January 2005
Job Offer

Another Tech Company - April 2000 - April 2001
Head Widget Counter"

So I was going to continue reading when in my head I heard that overused sound effect of needle scratching on record. (The record playing, incidentally, was "The Girl from Ipanema Goes to Greenland" but really that's neither here nor there.)

Let's back up a minute. This candidate lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE?

(And let me clarify: based on her recent position as Research Assistant, you might be thinking that this is some recent college grad just finishing her bachelor's and her enthusiasm to include a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE should be excused as we would excuse her sparkly nail polish and pen with fluffy maribou on the end. But no! This is a person who has been in the real-live work force with real-live professional positions for almost 15 years.)

And not only does she list a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (which is, effectively, like saying someone grabbed your ass once so you are good in bed), she lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (no, I'm not going to stop shouting it) in the midst of a FOUR YEAR GAP in professional experience.

Now, if she had just left the gap there alone (or maybe inserting some demure comment about taking time off for schooling or family or world travel or volunteer work or whatever), I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Well, I mean, I WOULD have thought twice, I am paid to think twice. But I would NOT have thought she was a loon.

But she included a JOB OFFER in her WORK EXPERIENCE (that's the last one) so now I just think she is a loon. DELETED.

Are you [redacted] kidding me?

From a recent e-mail (emphasis added to highlight the gumption. The gumption!!!)

"Hello Ill-Suited,

I'm currently in the job market looking for a [redacted]related job. I've seen some posting on BigJobBoard for Big Nameless Corporation. Please assist in finding an opening position that fits my previous work experience. Attached is a copy of my resume."

Sure.

Right after I stop by to pick up your dry-cleaning. Do you need me to wipe your ass for you while I'm over?

(*Delicately mopping beads of righteous indignation from brow.*)

OK, let me explain something to you.

I appreciate how difficult it might be for you to keep it in your pants when you see a real live luscious e-mail address associated with a posting for a company you want to work for.

And I also appreciate you might not have the qualifications for the particular position posted but don't want to pass up the opportunity to use that lovely little e-mail address.

All right then, fine. But if you are going to send this kind of message, please try to remember what makes the world go 'round - namely:

What's in it for me?

Why should I assist you with finding a job? We've already established you're not going to help me fill the position that I DO have advertised.

Should I just assist you out of the goodness of my heart? Well, I DON'T HAVE ONE. Or, I do, but it's black and shrivelled, so scratch that as an option.

Maybe I have other, unadvertised positions that you might be a fit for? Or a counterpart who is looking for someone with your background?

OK then, SAY THAT. Maybe, Forrest Gumption, you are thinking, "Well, isn't that implied? I mean, isn't a candidate with any common sense really thinking that when he/she sends such a message?"

Yes. A candidate with any common sense WOULD be thinking that. The thrust of this entire blog, however, is that common sense is a quality is shockingly absent from many candidates. So at this point, if you do not actively demonstrate your common sense, a recruiter is most likely not going to assume you have it.

So SPELL OUT why on earth I should take the five minutes from my already over-scheduled workday to carefully read your resume and ponder which other positions you might be a fit for rather than just sending you to DO THE SAME DAMN THING on the company's website.

Another thought: howsabout telling me you have a colleague who IS a good fit for the job I have advertised and that you are going to alert them to this opportunity? Oh, and NOW can I help you find another position that might be good for you?

Well, NOW, I actually am feeling charitable. Helpful. Happy to review your resume and do you a solid as you just did for me.

HAPPY [REDACTED] MONDAY!!!

I'm a little envious...

...that I don't have any stories for you at quite this level of...well, sorry to be biting Gawker, but there's really no other words to describe this but douchebaggery.

Then can I have your job?

Candidate's resume objective:

"My goal is to find a job in the work industry."

Does this mean she is currently employed in the NO-work industry? Like, the Rest Industry? Mattress-tester? Does such a job exist? Can I have it? I've been searching my whole life for a job OUTSIDE the work industry. Maybe she and I can work out a swap.

Then again, maybe she's been working at the same place as this candidate.

P.S. No joke: this candidate's e-mail address contains the phrase "Sleepy Head." Mattress tester might be for reals.

Someone has watched "Erin Brockovich" a few too many times.

Sum total of candidate's experience as listed on resume:

• Less than one year as cocktail waitress at [name redacted but take my word this time it's an actual titty bar and not just my filthy mind] Bar (where she is required to "enteract" [sic] with customers...is that what the kids are calling it these days?).
• Five months as a sales associate at a big box retailer (no double entendre intended).

What is her desired job title?

"Banking and finance attorney."

Now, I know that working at titty bars is a necessary evil - or not-so-evil, depending on your views - for many young women who are putting themselves through college. (Who could have anticipated this blog would have occasion to reference such establishments on a fairly regular basis?) So it's not to say that working at such a bar and a big box retailer are de facto clear signposts that one lacks the qualifications to make the leap to banking and finance attorney. However, there was a total lack of education listed on the resume, all of her experience was listed in one near-run-on sentence in one paragraph, she spelled "customer" "custumer" and used the phrase "Me and my co-worker helped them with their phones."

So let's just say I didn't get the feeling this is the resume of a Lifetime Television for Women story of the valedictorian who pasty-twirled her way through Stanford Law School.

Honey, by all means, dream big. Dream as big as your knockers!

That said, maybe there needs to be an interim step between cocktail waitress and banking/finance attorney. Like paralegal? Hell, like receptionist at the office NEXT to the law firm? How about some law school? And taking the bar?

These are just some ideas.

And, oh, yeah, spell-check.

What college was that again?

Remind me never to recruit from there (see below from resume).

"Some College Coursework Completed
i just took general office classes,i didn't finish to get my degree,family issueswhich have been long since taken care of.i am only 3 credits short for gettin a degree in office tech/bussiness mangment classes."

Obviously one of the credits missing is "Rudimentary Grammar/Spelling 101."

Cubicle Death Match

From cover letter:

"At 51 years old, I have had many varied experiences that I feel would benefit any employer...I freely admit that I may be a little rusty, but, that would in no way be a detriment. It fact, it would cause me to focus more on what needs to be done. And, in this day and age, with our 'I want it now!' attitudes, I feel more people could use a little more focus."

I say why bother interviewing? Let's pit this dude against Ice Floe and who ever comes out alive gets the gig.

Well, Let's Just Put Them on an Ice Floe.

From an actual resume:

"Also, most of the staff in my department are old enough that their generation lacks the want to comprehend computers....I always find a way to make sure that they (no matter how computer illiterate they may be) understands what has happened before I leave."

Look, dude, having been the young gun in an office before, I kinda hear what you are saying.

But you know what those old folks might know that you clearly don't?

NOT TO INSULT A LARGE SEGMENT OF THE POPULATION IN YOUR RESUME.

Did you see something on the jobsite that indicated: "All the people will be viewing your resume will be younger than 50?"

Or did you assume that anyone old enough to be offended would be too "computer illiterate" to ever see your resume?

I have nearly no patience with people who can't figure out technology but I'll take "computer illiterate" over "total lack of common sense" nearly any day.

I "lack the want" to call you about this job.

Going to dunk head in cold water.

"Resume Headline: College grad wanting fun job that travels"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ahhhhh, youth. [Wipes away tears of laughter.]

It's not that it can't happen. One of my friends from high school has gotten precisely that life for herself. By being entrepreneurially-minded. By making it happen herself.

Youth = the serene trusting optimism inherent in thinking that making that your resume headline on Monster will get you that life.

As though there are recruiters and hiring managers in a corporate conference room somewhere, exhausted, rumpled, surrounded by coffee cups and bottles of water, one of them saying:

"How on EARTH are we going to attract job seekers? How are we going to fill these positions? I mean, they're just FUN. And involve TRAVEL. Who on earth is going to do THAT? For a PAYCHECK? Can somebody go check Monster again?"

Sits down dejectedly, tossing down the flip chart marker.