Monday, October 30, 2006

Burning Yer Bridges, Take Two

Reader, are you seated?

I need to tell you something.

I…occasionally…make mistakes.

I know this might be hard for you to fathom, but it does happen.

For example, sometimes I have in front of me a job description that is a dense two pages of text, none of which seems to correspond to actual human activity; a hiring manager who will not make time to talk to me; and direct recruiting leadership that is as clueless as – if not more than – I. In such a situation, I might, on occasion, contact the wrong candidate for a position.

Like, for example, if in the two –single-spaced, with no paragraphs – pages of job description, (with so many words you think there would also be some actual information, but, you know, this is the Corporate America, aka, Bizarro World), I see something approximating what might be position requirements, like, say, “head-standing queeg analysis” and “underseas florn-jumping.” (I know, that just sounds ridiculously unrealistic – I mean, there are no acronyms in those at all – but just go with it.)

And, in conducting a search online, I come across a resume that says “single-legged queeg analysis” and “partially-submerged florn-jumping.” In fact, I come across maybe two resumes total with anything even mentioning queeg analysis and/or florn-jumping. And the other dude already works for the company I’m recruiting for.

So I risk it. I send the job description to that one person I find, even though it might be a little off.

Now possibly, to someone with advanced degrees in both queeg analysis and florn-jumping, this might be a ludicrous, possibly insulting error.

And maybe, in whatever Bizarro World I have unwittingly stumbled into, you have the resume equivalent of like Scarlett Johansson, just The Absolute Most Searched Resume in the World. And possibly, you find yourself so inundated, so completely besieged by recruiters attempting to inaccurately match you up with employment, that you can no longer bear it.

Here are a few suggestions.

1) Take down your resume. Don’t leave it to languish out there, all seductive and vulnerable. Set up a job search agent and only apply for the jobs that match what you are looking for. (And be ready for the job search agent to be wrong every once in a while, too.)
2) If you simply MUST leave your resume up there to tempt us recruiters to send you the wrong job…well, here’s a thought: why not set up an anonymous blog to outline all those recruiters’ mistakes for you and your fellow partially-submerged florn-jumpers to laugh at. (I will vouch: it’s therapeutic!)

What I would absolutely NOT suggest you do is the following: send me a rude and insulting e-mail questioning my intelligence and professionalism.

Because guess what? Five minutes after you do, the company’s decided to move operations to a sand bar, and now I need to look for partially-submerged florn-jumpers. Now it’s perfect for you. A little bump in salary too. And this company would be a shorter commute.

And no matter how hard up I am for candidates: I WILL NEVER CALL YOU FOR THIS POSITION. I will also send your e-mail around to my counterparts, and make a note in the company database. So I doubt they will be calling you either.

“So what?” you might scoff. “You saw how few candidates there are with my skill set. You don’t want to hire me? About 100 other companies do.”

All righty then. Then the last thing I will say is that, much like the wise patron avoids pissing off his/her server (you know, the person who brings you the food you are about to ingest?), might I also suggest that you not insult the people who have access to your personal data?

Like your e-mail? Your phone number? Your home address?

Please know, I’m not saying that I would ever do ANYTHING with that confidential information. I took The Sacred Oath of Recruiting the day I got my log on. (I’m kidding. There is no Oath, no one cares.)

But I still wouldn’t ever do anything, because I’m a Good Girl, a Very Very Good Girl, virtuous to the point of self-hindrance at times.

Then again…it is always the quiet ones, isn’t it?


Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?

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