Are you [redacted] kidding me?

From a recent e-mail (emphasis added to highlight the gumption. The gumption!!!)

"Hello Ill-Suited,

I'm currently in the job market looking for a [redacted]related job. I've seen some posting on BigJobBoard for Big Nameless Corporation. Please assist in finding an opening position that fits my previous work experience. Attached is a copy of my resume."

Sure.

Right after I stop by to pick up your dry-cleaning. Do you need me to wipe your ass for you while I'm over?

(*Delicately mopping beads of righteous indignation from brow.*)

OK, let me explain something to you.

I appreciate how difficult it might be for you to keep it in your pants when you see a real live luscious e-mail address associated with a posting for a company you want to work for.

And I also appreciate you might not have the qualifications for the particular position posted but don't want to pass up the opportunity to use that lovely little e-mail address.

All right then, fine. But if you are going to send this kind of message, please try to remember what makes the world go 'round - namely:

What's in it for me?

Why should I assist you with finding a job? We've already established you're not going to help me fill the position that I DO have advertised.

Should I just assist you out of the goodness of my heart? Well, I DON'T HAVE ONE. Or, I do, but it's black and shrivelled, so scratch that as an option.

Maybe I have other, unadvertised positions that you might be a fit for? Or a counterpart who is looking for someone with your background?

OK then, SAY THAT. Maybe, Forrest Gumption, you are thinking, "Well, isn't that implied? I mean, isn't a candidate with any common sense really thinking that when he/she sends such a message?"

Yes. A candidate with any common sense WOULD be thinking that. The thrust of this entire blog, however, is that common sense is a quality is shockingly absent from many candidates. So at this point, if you do not actively demonstrate your common sense, a recruiter is most likely not going to assume you have it.

So SPELL OUT why on earth I should take the five minutes from my already over-scheduled workday to carefully read your resume and ponder which other positions you might be a fit for rather than just sending you to DO THE SAME DAMN THING on the company's website.

Another thought: howsabout telling me you have a colleague who IS a good fit for the job I have advertised and that you are going to alert them to this opportunity? Oh, and NOW can I help you find another position that might be good for you?

Well, NOW, I actually am feeling charitable. Helpful. Happy to review your resume and do you a solid as you just did for me.

HAPPY [REDACTED] MONDAY!!!