Right now, when I am not talking to people with vague jobs related to "process improvements" (I love how the lack of common sense, institutionalized in Corporate America, has now spawned an entire career path/industry that is, at its most basic, basically about making people do things in a logical way), I am talking to accountants.
Which, actually, I wasn't entirely minding: at least what they do (bean counting) makes sense to me.
Then I saw this.
You would think this would make me like them more. But it doesn't.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Could be worse...
After multiple complaints about overwritten job descriptions, saw this in The Seattle Times:
"Filling Mic Dinsmore's shoes at the Port of Seattle is apparently a very big job.
How big?
The headhunting firm looking for his successor last week issued a job description and candidate profile that runs to 21 pages."
Yikes.
Of course, the people working on that position are making about eight times what I do, soooooo...guess it could also be better. Harrumph.
"Filling Mic Dinsmore's shoes at the Port of Seattle is apparently a very big job.
How big?
The headhunting firm looking for his successor last week issued a job description and candidate profile that runs to 21 pages."
Yikes.
Of course, the people working on that position are making about eight times what I do, soooooo...guess it could also be better. Harrumph.
Monday, October 30, 2006
And on the flip side...
So it's 10:40 PM at night and although I took a few minutes to blow off some steam about today's idiot, I am actually up this late to send reject notes to some people I phone screened recently.
And you know how most candidates respond to this?
With surpise (that someone bothered) and appreciation (that, again, someone bothered). I get the sense that a lot of my counterparts don't bother so much. I, of course, lose sleep if I tell someone I'm going to do something and then don't.
Anyway...I can't really blame my counterparts themselves. We're generally working under a lot of pressure to produce and since it's the client (not the candidates) who pay the bills, guess who gets all of our attention. And quite frankly, were I not generally riddled with guilt, I would probably much rather - per my friend's exhortation today - JUST TURN OFF THE LAPTOP at a decent hour. But I TOLD these candidates I'd do something so I am trying to do it.
I just wish that we could build decency into the system. (See also: tilting at windmills.) You know, like it should be built into my work hours this time to circle back to people who took the time to talk with me. It shouldn't be something I have to do on my own time.
But whatever.
And you know how most candidates respond to this?
With surpise (that someone bothered) and appreciation (that, again, someone bothered). I get the sense that a lot of my counterparts don't bother so much. I, of course, lose sleep if I tell someone I'm going to do something and then don't.
Anyway...I can't really blame my counterparts themselves. We're generally working under a lot of pressure to produce and since it's the client (not the candidates) who pay the bills, guess who gets all of our attention. And quite frankly, were I not generally riddled with guilt, I would probably much rather - per my friend's exhortation today - JUST TURN OFF THE LAPTOP at a decent hour. But I TOLD these candidates I'd do something so I am trying to do it.
I just wish that we could build decency into the system. (See also: tilting at windmills.) You know, like it should be built into my work hours this time to circle back to people who took the time to talk with me. It shouldn't be something I have to do on my own time.
But whatever.
Burning Yer Bridges, Take Two
Reader, are you seated?
I need to tell you something.
I…occasionally…make mistakes.
I know this might be hard for you to fathom, but it does happen.
For example, sometimes I have in front of me a job description that is a dense two pages of text, none of which seems to correspond to actual human activity; a hiring manager who will not make time to talk to me; and direct recruiting leadership that is as clueless as – if not more than – I. In such a situation, I might, on occasion, contact the wrong candidate for a position.
Like, for example, if in the two –single-spaced, with no paragraphs – pages of job description, (with so many words you think there would also be some actual information, but, you know, this is the Corporate America, aka, Bizarro World), I see something approximating what might be position requirements, like, say, “head-standing queeg analysis” and “underseas florn-jumping.” (I know, that just sounds ridiculously unrealistic – I mean, there are no acronyms in those at all – but just go with it.)
And, in conducting a search online, I come across a resume that says “single-legged queeg analysis” and “partially-submerged florn-jumping.” In fact, I come across maybe two resumes total with anything even mentioning queeg analysis and/or florn-jumping. And the other dude already works for the company I’m recruiting for.
So I risk it. I send the job description to that one person I find, even though it might be a little off.
Now possibly, to someone with advanced degrees in both queeg analysis and florn-jumping, this might be a ludicrous, possibly insulting error.
And maybe, in whatever Bizarro World I have unwittingly stumbled into, you have the resume equivalent of like Scarlett Johansson, just The Absolute Most Searched Resume in the World. And possibly, you find yourself so inundated, so completely besieged by recruiters attempting to inaccurately match you up with employment, that you can no longer bear it.
Here are a few suggestions.
1) Take down your resume. Don’t leave it to languish out there, all seductive and vulnerable. Set up a job search agent and only apply for the jobs that match what you are looking for. (And be ready for the job search agent to be wrong every once in a while, too.)
2) If you simply MUST leave your resume up there to tempt us recruiters to send you the wrong job…well, here’s a thought: why not set up an anonymous blog to outline all those recruiters’ mistakes for you and your fellow partially-submerged florn-jumpers to laugh at. (I will vouch: it’s therapeutic!)
What I would absolutely NOT suggest you do is the following: send me a rude and insulting e-mail questioning my intelligence and professionalism.
Because guess what? Five minutes after you do, the company’s decided to move operations to a sand bar, and now I need to look for partially-submerged florn-jumpers. Now it’s perfect for you. A little bump in salary too. And this company would be a shorter commute.
And no matter how hard up I am for candidates: I WILL NEVER CALL YOU FOR THIS POSITION. I will also send your e-mail around to my counterparts, and make a note in the company database. So I doubt they will be calling you either.
“So what?” you might scoff. “You saw how few candidates there are with my skill set. You don’t want to hire me? About 100 other companies do.”
All righty then. Then the last thing I will say is that, much like the wise patron avoids pissing off his/her server (you know, the person who brings you the food you are about to ingest?), might I also suggest that you not insult the people who have access to your personal data?
Like your e-mail? Your phone number? Your home address?
Please know, I’m not saying that I would ever do ANYTHING with that confidential information. I took The Sacred Oath of Recruiting the day I got my BigJobBoard.com log on. (I’m kidding. There is no Oath, no one cares.)
But I still wouldn’t ever do anything, because I’m a Good Girl, a Very Very Good Girl, virtuous to the point of self-hindrance at times.
Then again…it is always the quiet ones, isn’t it?
I've had too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too
much coffee today.
I'm kind of a Fast Talker Betty Crocker anyway, but I sincerely apologize today, Candidates!
More later, like when I am up until 2 AM because of the caffeine.
I'm kind of a Fast Talker Betty Crocker anyway, but I sincerely apologize today, Candidates!
More later, like when I am up until 2 AM because of the caffeine.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Good Morning, Sunshine!
I received the below from an internal candidate or a contractor with the organization for which I'm recruiting. This was in response to my "I received your resume..." e-mail:
"No, Ill-Suit. I am not interested the [redacted] position. I am not very excited about the competence of this department. Is the hiring manager [redacted]? If it is, definitely a NO!"
What is that smell? Coffee? No?
I love the smell of burning bridges in the morning...smells like...career suicide.
"No, Ill-Suit. I am not interested the [redacted] position. I am not very excited about the competence of this department. Is the hiring manager [redacted]? If it is, definitely a NO!"
What is that smell? Coffee? No?
I love the smell of burning bridges in the morning...smells like...career suicide.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Utterly Off-Topic
I can't write about recruiting today.
I actually had an A-OK day, there was a cheering level of common sense displayed, candidates were pleasant and intelligent and I don't hate them all today.
But I still have about two hours of dayjob work to do and then another hours of secretjob work to do, so although I feel somehow obligated to try to make some kind of post everyday, the only thing that is recruiting-related that I could write about is a little complicated. And the idea of that makes my head hurt.
So I'm briefly wavering on my pointlessly self-imposed restriction to keep this blog to exclusively recruiting-related topics, at the risk of losing my two, possibly three, readers (Hi!!!).
What I want to talk about tonight, Reader(s), is clogs. Or, to be specific, Crocs. These things:
While I don't particularly care for these shoes, I also don't hate them with the same vehemence as some people. When it comes to shoes, I'm a lover not a fighter and so all my strong emotions are reserved for some deep, stereotypical, medulla-oblongata-generated, lustful passion for anything with a heel that looks like it scars hard wood floors.
You know, whatever, to each his/her own, and some people - rightly so - would prefer to not court the possible ankle-twisting and lower back pain associated with what Dianne Brill called "High Risk Shoes." Good for you.
But today I saw something I just did not get.
A dude in camouflage Crocs. And a camo tee shirt.
And this was no metrosexual. This was no hipster appropriation of camouflage. This was a big dude buying smokes and, I imagine, like beef jerky and American beer and something else to take with him wherever those kinds of people go with that stuff. Somewhere that you come back from with a large mammal strapped to something.
And I just kept staring at his feet. Because camo...CLOGS?
Like, if you are somewhere that you need camo...aren't you necessarily somewhere that you also need a FULL SHOE?
I dunno. It just really perplexed me.
Okie dokie, back to recruiting!
I actually had an A-OK day, there was a cheering level of common sense displayed, candidates were pleasant and intelligent and I don't hate them all today.
But I still have about two hours of dayjob work to do and then another hours of secretjob work to do, so although I feel somehow obligated to try to make some kind of post everyday, the only thing that is recruiting-related that I could write about is a little complicated. And the idea of that makes my head hurt.
So I'm briefly wavering on my pointlessly self-imposed restriction to keep this blog to exclusively recruiting-related topics, at the risk of losing my two, possibly three, readers (Hi!!!).
What I want to talk about tonight, Reader(s), is clogs. Or, to be specific, Crocs. These things:
While I don't particularly care for these shoes, I also don't hate them with the same vehemence as some people. When it comes to shoes, I'm a lover not a fighter and so all my strong emotions are reserved for some deep, stereotypical, medulla-oblongata-generated, lustful passion for anything with a heel that looks like it scars hard wood floors.
You know, whatever, to each his/her own, and some people - rightly so - would prefer to not court the possible ankle-twisting and lower back pain associated with what Dianne Brill called "High Risk Shoes." Good for you.
But today I saw something I just did not get.
A dude in camouflage Crocs. And a camo tee shirt.
And this was no metrosexual. This was no hipster appropriation of camouflage. This was a big dude buying smokes and, I imagine, like beef jerky and American beer and something else to take with him wherever those kinds of people go with that stuff. Somewhere that you come back from with a large mammal strapped to something.
And I just kept staring at his feet. Because camo...CLOGS?
Like, if you are somewhere that you need camo...aren't you necessarily somewhere that you also need a FULL SHOE?
I dunno. It just really perplexed me.
Okie dokie, back to recruiting!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Another reason I distrust Western medicine.
A few years back, I worked in Staffing at a major hospital.
Because I was the young whippersnapper on staff, I got stuck with the task of retrieving passwords for employees for the internal job posting site.
So one day, I get a message from one of the staff nurses who needs a password reminder so she can apply for another position at the hospital.
I check in the system and her password was - I shit you not - BLACKDEATH.
Despite the really excellent health plan and stellar reputation of this organization...let's just say I did not avail myself of their services very often.
Because I was the young whippersnapper on staff, I got stuck with the task of retrieving passwords for employees for the internal job posting site.
So one day, I get a message from one of the staff nurses who needs a password reminder so she can apply for another position at the hospital.
I check in the system and her password was - I shit you not - BLACKDEATH.
Despite the really excellent health plan and stellar reputation of this organization...let's just say I did not avail myself of their services very often.
JST/HNAR - Part Whatever: "I've lost count"
I think my initial attempts to sort of structure this into categories has long since fallen by the wayside, so until I figure out how to tag this thing, I'm not going to worry it. The lack of common sense I witness daily is too monolithic to slap a label onto (until, of course, I figure out the labels).
Anyway, today's resume tidbit, from candidate's "Work Experience" section (identifying details, obviously, altered to protect...well, actually, me. I could get fired for this stuff):
"Big Nameless University - August 2006
Research Assistant
Big Tech Company - January 2005
Job Offer
Another Tech Company - April 2000 - April 2001
Head Widget Counter"
So I was going to continue reading when in my head I heard that overused sound effect of needle scratching on record. (The record playing, incidentally, was "The Girl from Ipanema Goes to Greenland" but really that's neither here nor there.)
Let's back up a minute. This candidate lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE?
(And let me clarify: based on her recent position as Research Assistant, you might be thinking that this is some recent college grad just finishing her bachelor's and her enthusiasm to include a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE should be excused as we would excuse her sparkly nail polish and pen with fluffy maribou on the end. But no! This is a person who has been in the real-live work force with real-live professional positions for almost 15 years.)
And not only does she list a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (which is, effectively, like saying someone grabbed your ass once so you are good in bed), she lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (no, I'm not going to stop shouting it) in the midst of a FOUR YEAR GAP in professional experience.
Now, if she had just left the gap there alone (or maybe inserting some demure comment about taking time off for schooling or family or world travel or volunteer work or whatever), I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Well, I mean, I WOULD have thought twice, I am paid to think twice. But I would NOT have thought she was a loon.
But she included a JOB OFFER in her WORK EXPERIENCE (that's the last one) so now I just think she is a loon. DELETED.
Anyway, today's resume tidbit, from candidate's "Work Experience" section (identifying details, obviously, altered to protect...well, actually, me. I could get fired for this stuff):
"Big Nameless University - August 2006
Research Assistant
Big Tech Company - January 2005
Job Offer
Another Tech Company - April 2000 - April 2001
Head Widget Counter"
So I was going to continue reading when in my head I heard that overused sound effect of needle scratching on record. (The record playing, incidentally, was "The Girl from Ipanema Goes to Greenland" but really that's neither here nor there.)
Let's back up a minute. This candidate lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE?
(And let me clarify: based on her recent position as Research Assistant, you might be thinking that this is some recent college grad just finishing her bachelor's and her enthusiasm to include a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE should be excused as we would excuse her sparkly nail polish and pen with fluffy maribou on the end. But no! This is a person who has been in the real-live work force with real-live professional positions for almost 15 years.)
And not only does she list a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (which is, effectively, like saying someone grabbed your ass once so you are good in bed), she lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (no, I'm not going to stop shouting it) in the midst of a FOUR YEAR GAP in professional experience.
Now, if she had just left the gap there alone (or maybe inserting some demure comment about taking time off for schooling or family or world travel or volunteer work or whatever), I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Well, I mean, I WOULD have thought twice, I am paid to think twice. But I would NOT have thought she was a loon.
But she included a JOB OFFER in her WORK EXPERIENCE (that's the last one) so now I just think she is a loon. DELETED.
Actual Unfortunate Names, Episode Two
The names off some recent resumes have me a little puzzled.
Q: Why would you name your child either Lucifer or Little?
My Only A: Because you didn't want to have a child and you resent him for existing?
I mean, for reals. Why would you do that? Apple and Moses Paltrow-Martin would hear these names and run and kiss their parents for not being THAT cruel.
Poor little Lucifer better learn how to fight - and quick.
And poor little Little...well, he needs to learn how to fight, too, but he also better hope against hope that he grows up to be 6 foot plus, 250 lbs of muscle and...um...well, otherwise not-so-little, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. Or else I see a lifetime of reeeeaaaalllllly ugly break-ups in his future, as the future ex-girlfriends already have a head start on nasty parting comments.
Q: Why would you name your child either Lucifer or Little?
My Only A: Because you didn't want to have a child and you resent him for existing?
I mean, for reals. Why would you do that? Apple and Moses Paltrow-Martin would hear these names and run and kiss their parents for not being THAT cruel.
Poor little Lucifer better learn how to fight - and quick.
And poor little Little...well, he needs to learn how to fight, too, but he also better hope against hope that he grows up to be 6 foot plus, 250 lbs of muscle and...um...well, otherwise not-so-little, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. Or else I see a lifetime of reeeeaaaalllllly ugly break-ups in his future, as the future ex-girlfriends already have a head start on nasty parting comments.
Not so much an unfortunate name...
...but do you think a candidate with the first name "Wanwan" has to sit through endless meetings with a tight smile as people make terrible puns about "wan-wan solutions?"
Or is it just me that makes the terrible puns?
I'm deeply ashamed of myself, Reader, I'm sorry. I'll do better.
Or is it just me that makes the terrible puns?
I'm deeply ashamed of myself, Reader, I'm sorry. I'll do better.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Are you [redacted] kidding me?
From a recent e-mail (emphasis added to highlight the gumption. The gumption!!!)
"Hello Ill-Suited,
I'm currently in the job market looking for a [redacted]related job. I've seen some posting on BigJobBoard for Big Nameless Corporation. Please assist in finding an opening position that fits my previous work experience. Attached is a copy of my resume."
Sure.
Right after I stop by to pick up your dry-cleaning. Do you need me to wipe your ass for you while I'm over?
(*Delicately mopping beads of righteous indignation from brow.*)
OK, let me explain something to you.
I appreciate how difficult it might be for you to keep it in your pants when you see a real live luscious e-mail address associated with a posting for a company you want to work for.
And I also appreciate you might not have the qualifications for the particular position posted but don't want to pass up the opportunity to use that lovely little e-mail address.
All right then, fine. But if you are going to send this kind of message, please try to remember what makes the world go 'round - namely:
What's in it for me?
Why should I assist you with finding a job? We've already established you're not going to help me fill the position that I DO have advertised.
Should I just assist you out of the goodness of my heart? Well, I DON'T HAVE ONE. Or, I do, but it's black and shrivelled, so scratch that as an option.
Maybe I have other, unadvertised positions that you might be a fit for? Or a counterpart who is looking for someone with your background?
OK then, SAY THAT. Maybe, Forrest Gumption, you are thinking, "Well, isn't that implied? I mean, isn't a candidate with any common sense really thinking that when he/she sends such a message?"
Yes. A candidate with any common sense WOULD be thinking that. The thrust of this entire blog, however, is that common sense is a quality is shockingly absent from many candidates. So at this point, if you do not actively demonstrate your common sense, a recruiter is most likely not going to assume you have it.
So SPELL OUT why on earth I should take the five minutes from my already over-scheduled workday to carefully read your resume and ponder which other positions you might be a fit for rather than just sending you to DO THE SAME DAMN THING on the company's website.
Another thought: howsabout telling me you have a colleague who IS a good fit for the job I have advertised and that you are going to alert them to this opportunity? Oh, and NOW can I help you find another position that might be good for you?
Well, NOW, I actually am feeling charitable. Helpful. Happy to review your resume and do you a solid as you just did for me.
HAPPY [REDACTED] MONDAY!!!
"Hello Ill-Suited,
I'm currently in the job market looking for a [redacted]related job. I've seen some posting on BigJobBoard for Big Nameless Corporation. Please assist in finding an opening position that fits my previous work experience. Attached is a copy of my resume."
Sure.
Right after I stop by to pick up your dry-cleaning. Do you need me to wipe your ass for you while I'm over?
(*Delicately mopping beads of righteous indignation from brow.*)
OK, let me explain something to you.
I appreciate how difficult it might be for you to keep it in your pants when you see a real live luscious e-mail address associated with a posting for a company you want to work for.
And I also appreciate you might not have the qualifications for the particular position posted but don't want to pass up the opportunity to use that lovely little e-mail address.
All right then, fine. But if you are going to send this kind of message, please try to remember what makes the world go 'round - namely:
What's in it for me?
Why should I assist you with finding a job? We've already established you're not going to help me fill the position that I DO have advertised.
Should I just assist you out of the goodness of my heart? Well, I DON'T HAVE ONE. Or, I do, but it's black and shrivelled, so scratch that as an option.
Maybe I have other, unadvertised positions that you might be a fit for? Or a counterpart who is looking for someone with your background?
OK then, SAY THAT. Maybe, Forrest Gumption, you are thinking, "Well, isn't that implied? I mean, isn't a candidate with any common sense really thinking that when he/she sends such a message?"
Yes. A candidate with any common sense WOULD be thinking that. The thrust of this entire blog, however, is that common sense is a quality is shockingly absent from many candidates. So at this point, if you do not actively demonstrate your common sense, a recruiter is most likely not going to assume you have it.
So SPELL OUT why on earth I should take the five minutes from my already over-scheduled workday to carefully read your resume and ponder which other positions you might be a fit for rather than just sending you to DO THE SAME DAMN THING on the company's website.
Another thought: howsabout telling me you have a colleague who IS a good fit for the job I have advertised and that you are going to alert them to this opportunity? Oh, and NOW can I help you find another position that might be good for you?
Well, NOW, I actually am feeling charitable. Helpful. Happy to review your resume and do you a solid as you just did for me.
HAPPY [REDACTED] MONDAY!!!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
"Too good to pass up."
This is what a candidate's e-mail subject line told me he was.
Oh, reeeeaaaaallllly? (All my Contrary Mary hackles are fluffed.)
Look, kids, I know that when you got your MBA from www.MBAs-fer-U!.com, they told you about marketing yourself and yada yada yada.
But seriously. "Too good to pass up"? What are you, a zero percent interest rate on the last of the 'o6 models?
Well, you might be too good to pass up, but you are not too good for this.
Oh, reeeeaaaaallllly? (All my Contrary Mary hackles are fluffed.)
Look, kids, I know that when you got your MBA from www.MBAs-fer-U!.com, they told you about marketing yourself and yada yada yada.
But seriously. "Too good to pass up"? What are you, a zero percent interest rate on the last of the 'o6 models?
Well, you might be too good to pass up, but you are not too good for this.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Again: email? Still free.
So please for the love of all that is right and good in the world...during the job-seeking process DO NOT use your address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" with (wait for it) the number 69 stuck in there for good measure.
And, if you DID have the good sense to leave it off your resume...if I am in the process of phone screening you, and ask you for your e-mail address, JUST LIE. LIE and tell me you need to set one up and then go set up an innocuous sounding account on yahoo or hotmail or whatever and call me back. Please please please DO NOT start spelling out your e-mail address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" + 69 to me over the phone because I already took one shower today and now I need to go take another.
Skeeved! (*Shudder!*)
And, if you DID have the good sense to leave it off your resume...if I am in the process of phone screening you, and ask you for your e-mail address, JUST LIE. LIE and tell me you need to set one up and then go set up an innocuous sounding account on yahoo or hotmail or whatever and call me back. Please please please DO NOT start spelling out your e-mail address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" + 69 to me over the phone because I already took one shower today and now I need to go take another.
Skeeved! (*Shudder!*)
I'm a little envious...
...that I don't have any stories for you at quite this level of...well, sorry to be biting Gawker, but there's really no other words to describe this but douchebaggery.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
So it is written; so it shall be done.
On Friday, I spoke thusly:
"This week TRULY put the 'ill' in ill-suited."
And so of course now I am actually truly ill.
Nevertheless, no rest for those who are paid hourly and don't get sick time, so still recruiting. But what little energy my tiny mitochondria are able to squeeze out is completely taken up by the simply completing my tasks, so I have nothing left over with which to reflect upon (and get irritated by) said tasks.
(Sweet fancy corn how many prepositions were in that paragraph? I can't count that high.)
Anyhoodle, in short: I am even more tedious and boring than ever.
So here's something more engaging. This is a) a pretty awesome little project and b) what, when I am functioning at capacity, I am normally fantasizing about when being/talking to the corporate drones.
"This week TRULY put the 'ill' in ill-suited."
And so of course now I am actually truly ill.
Nevertheless, no rest for those who are paid hourly and don't get sick time, so still recruiting. But what little energy my tiny mitochondria are able to squeeze out is completely taken up by the simply completing my tasks, so I have nothing left over with which to reflect upon (and get irritated by) said tasks.
(Sweet fancy corn how many prepositions were in that paragraph? I can't count that high.)
Anyhoodle, in short: I am even more tedious and boring than ever.
So here's something more engaging. This is a) a pretty awesome little project and b) what, when I am functioning at capacity, I am normally fantasizing about when being/talking to the corporate drones.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Ten bucks says this is the office close-talker...
...and that he's always slinking into people's cubes to give unsolicited shoulder rubs.
From a cover letter (emphasis added for extra cringing power):
"My qualities I am sure would fit into any job description and will also help others to be motivated and bring a loving, positive atmoshere into any enveroment rather it be slow or fast paced."
And I'm just not even going to bother anymore with my whole spell-check/grammar-check campaign. I give up. You hear me? You've broken me, Candidate, you've broken my will to nitpick. I hope you're happy.
From a cover letter (emphasis added for extra cringing power):
"My qualities I am sure would fit into any job description and will also help others to be motivated and bring a loving, positive atmoshere into any enveroment rather it be slow or fast paced."
And I'm just not even going to bother anymore with my whole spell-check/grammar-check campaign. I give up. You hear me? You've broken me, Candidate, you've broken my will to nitpick. I hope you're happy.
Then can I have your job?
Candidate's resume objective:
"My goal is to find a job in the work industry."
Does this mean she is currently employed in the NO-work industry? Like, the Rest Industry? Mattress-tester? Does such a job exist? Can I have it? I've been searching my whole life for a job OUTSIDE the work industry. Maybe she and I can work out a swap.
Then again, maybe she's been working at the same place as this candidate.
P.S. No joke: this candidate's e-mail address contains the phrase "Sleepy Head." Mattress tester might be for reals.
"My goal is to find a job in the work industry."
Does this mean she is currently employed in the NO-work industry? Like, the Rest Industry? Mattress-tester? Does such a job exist? Can I have it? I've been searching my whole life for a job OUTSIDE the work industry. Maybe she and I can work out a swap.
Then again, maybe she's been working at the same place as this candidate.
P.S. No joke: this candidate's e-mail address contains the phrase "Sleepy Head." Mattress tester might be for reals.
Friday, October 13, 2006
To close out the week...
...there are just a few things I have to get out of my system. Then I will take a scalding, blasting, "Silkwood"-esque shower and spend two days playing with fluffy kittens and chasing butterflies and mentally undressing Chris Noth and otherwise regaining some sense of actually being a flesh and blood human being after five straight days of being nearly bludgeoned to death with things like this:
"Viewed as a resource throughout the organization and across various sectors; serves as a consultative partner to client groups, integrates technical expertise/experience, business objectives and industry factors..."
Also, Fancy-Pants Business Folk, security actually will NOT escort you from the building if you successfully resist the urge to bulk up your resumes and/or job descriptions with the Dreaded Groups of Threes, i.e., phrases containing multiple versions of what is effectively the exact same concept:
"...improve productivity, increase efficiency and streamline efforts..."
"...as determined by program, project or assignment..."
"...applies knowledge, expertise and understanding..."
Are these people Charles Dickens? Is someone paying them by the word? Are they actually beat poets, adding all this extra language because in their head, there's a bongo rhthym that they are trying to match?
This week TRULY put the "ill" in ill-suited.
All right, people, that is IT, I am out of here for the weekend and if the circus comes through town, I might not make it back here Monday.
"Viewed as a resource throughout the organization and across various sectors; serves as a consultative partner to client groups, integrates technical expertise/experience, business objectives and industry factors..."
Also, Fancy-Pants Business Folk, security actually will NOT escort you from the building if you successfully resist the urge to bulk up your resumes and/or job descriptions with the Dreaded Groups of Threes, i.e., phrases containing multiple versions of what is effectively the exact same concept:
"...improve productivity, increase efficiency and streamline efforts..."
"...as determined by program, project or assignment..."
"...applies knowledge, expertise and understanding..."
Are these people Charles Dickens? Is someone paying them by the word? Are they actually beat poets, adding all this extra language because in their head, there's a bongo rhthym that they are trying to match?
This week TRULY put the "ill" in ill-suited.
All right, people, that is IT, I am out of here for the weekend and if the circus comes through town, I might not make it back here Monday.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Holy crap.
"According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, after motor vehicle incidents, homicide is the leading cause of death in the workplace."
So I guess my short-tempered blog is really rather mild in response to workplace aggravation.
So I guess my short-tempered blog is really rather mild in response to workplace aggravation.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I'm sorry and I take it all back.
I'm sorry, Entry-Level Candidate.
I didn't mean what I said and I want you back.
I want you back with your misspellings and your atrocious grammar and your questionable judgment.
Because those things, aggravating though they may be, do not make me want to get a fifty-pound bag of rice and run off alone into the Alaskan wilderness as does one day of reading professional-level resumes.
The acronyms. The dizzyingly complex job descriptions that do not seem to have any relation to real-world activity. The corporate-speak. The buzzwords. The sense that you are in "The Emperor's New Clothes" and what you have in front of you is not a page listing someone's professional history but rather a joke to see if you get that they are ACTUALLY SAYING NOTHING AT ALL.
The flashbacks to days-long meetings in stuffy conference rooms, watching someone READ VERBATIM EACH BULLET POINT off the projected PowerPoint presentation, talking about "implementing process improvements" and "change management" and in general taking three minutes to say what could have been said in one sentence, and, by extension, the "team" taking three days to make one simple decision. Which, because it was by committee, was generally the wrong one.
I think I prefer despairing over the educational system over despairing over the corporate system. Because the educational system is at least something I can vote on, I feel like I have a pretense of control.
But this other stuff...oh, Entry-Level Candidate, I didn't know how good I had it.
I didn't mean what I said and I want you back.
I want you back with your misspellings and your atrocious grammar and your questionable judgment.
Because those things, aggravating though they may be, do not make me want to get a fifty-pound bag of rice and run off alone into the Alaskan wilderness as does one day of reading professional-level resumes.
The acronyms. The dizzyingly complex job descriptions that do not seem to have any relation to real-world activity. The corporate-speak. The buzzwords. The sense that you are in "The Emperor's New Clothes" and what you have in front of you is not a page listing someone's professional history but rather a joke to see if you get that they are ACTUALLY SAYING NOTHING AT ALL.
The flashbacks to days-long meetings in stuffy conference rooms, watching someone READ VERBATIM EACH BULLET POINT off the projected PowerPoint presentation, talking about "implementing process improvements" and "change management" and in general taking three minutes to say what could have been said in one sentence, and, by extension, the "team" taking three days to make one simple decision. Which, because it was by committee, was generally the wrong one.
I think I prefer despairing over the educational system over despairing over the corporate system. Because the educational system is at least something I can vote on, I feel like I have a pretense of control.
But this other stuff...oh, Entry-Level Candidate, I didn't know how good I had it.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
JST/HNAR - Part Five: "Only your mother cares..."
...that you won a certificate from Poetry.com.
...that you were a 4-H Champion - in 1978.
...that you were an extra on "Waterworld" in 1992 (and, actually, even your mother might be over that one).
So leave these kinds of things - all of which I have seen within the past week on actual resumes of actual adults looking for actual jobs - off your resume when you are applying for a totally unrelated job.
And, my professional opinion as a recruiter: we don't care about your hobbies, your interests or how many kids you have. Leave everything off your resume that doesn't pertain to your desired position.
The ONLY thing I would ever say would be okay to add (beside the usual legit stuff like employment, education, certifications, recent 4-H championships, etc.) is any volunteer work you did that pertains to your desired position. (Say, you are trying to break into a new career so you have done some unpaid work related to the field. Or you build the case for me that your 1978 4-H award is actually going to help you in this new job in 2006. THAT I might be interested to know about.)
The generic listing of totally unrealted hobbies/interest stuff with no link drawn to the position you are applying for, though? Sure lightening strikes every once in a while and you might happen to charm a hiring manager who is also into writing Bible verses on rice grains, but you might just be wasting the time of everyone else who isn't.
(And P.S. Can you just imagine how tedious the "Waterworld" extra must be at family gatherings?
"Did I tell you about the time Kevin Costner and I shared a fat-free muffin at the craft services table? It was cranberry."
And the rest of the family sighs and changes the subject. Again.)
...that you were a 4-H Champion - in 1978.
...that you were an extra on "Waterworld" in 1992 (and, actually, even your mother might be over that one).
So leave these kinds of things - all of which I have seen within the past week on actual resumes of actual adults looking for actual jobs - off your resume when you are applying for a totally unrelated job.
And, my professional opinion as a recruiter: we don't care about your hobbies, your interests or how many kids you have. Leave everything off your resume that doesn't pertain to your desired position.
The ONLY thing I would ever say would be okay to add (beside the usual legit stuff like employment, education, certifications, recent 4-H championships, etc.) is any volunteer work you did that pertains to your desired position. (Say, you are trying to break into a new career so you have done some unpaid work related to the field. Or you build the case for me that your 1978 4-H award is actually going to help you in this new job in 2006. THAT I might be interested to know about.)
The generic listing of totally unrealted hobbies/interest stuff with no link drawn to the position you are applying for, though? Sure lightening strikes every once in a while and you might happen to charm a hiring manager who is also into writing Bible verses on rice grains, but you might just be wasting the time of everyone else who isn't.
(And P.S. Can you just imagine how tedious the "Waterworld" extra must be at family gatherings?
"Did I tell you about the time Kevin Costner and I shared a fat-free muffin at the craft services table? It was cranberry."
And the rest of the family sighs and changes the subject. Again.)
Friday, October 06, 2006
JST/HNAR - Part Four: "Gloss"
(From the archives...)
While I appreciate this candidate's honesty...
"I didn't usually have much to do while I was at work...There were many times I was told to answer the phone so I would sit at a desk and wait for the phone to ring."
...I don't really anticipate I would ever be inspired to ring her phone after reading that on her resume.
"Sitting," waiting," and "not doing much" are generally never highly-sought-after skills in today's job market.
When your description of your job makes it seem like something a monkey could - quite literally - be trained to do, maybe an application of a slight gloss to your listing of job duties is in order.
You should never lie...but no matter how little there was to do in any position, certainly you can find more than the above to fill a two-sentence description.
Remember the old chestnuts...action verbs, showing how you took initiative, going above and beyond, blah blah blah. Yes, it's all a bunch of hooey, but that hooey is the currency of the job search, so start polishing it up.
While I appreciate this candidate's honesty...
"I didn't usually have much to do while I was at work...There were many times I was told to answer the phone so I would sit at a desk and wait for the phone to ring."
...I don't really anticipate I would ever be inspired to ring her phone after reading that on her resume.
"Sitting," waiting," and "not doing much" are generally never highly-sought-after skills in today's job market.
When your description of your job makes it seem like something a monkey could - quite literally - be trained to do, maybe an application of a slight gloss to your listing of job duties is in order.
You should never lie...but no matter how little there was to do in any position, certainly you can find more than the above to fill a two-sentence description.
Remember the old chestnuts...action verbs, showing how you took initiative, going above and beyond, blah blah blah. Yes, it's all a bunch of hooey, but that hooey is the currency of the job search, so start polishing it up.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Good news? Bad news?
So switching gears and recruiting for another level of position, professional as opposed to entry-level.
While I suspect this might be good news in the sense that I don't know how much more despairing over the state of the American educational system I could take...this might not be good news for the blog.
I know, I know, this makes the two people in the world who actually read this very sad.
Not, mind you, because I think people at the professional level are actually smarter. After all, it was always the executives and the vice presidents at First Nameless Corporation (where I lost my recruiting innocence) who would insist on saying "between you and I" (because, you know, only lower salary bands ever say the word "me" EVEN WHEN IT'S GRAMMATICALLY EFFING CORRECT) until I would collapse on the floor of the conference room clutching at my throbbing brain.
But they are, dagnabbit, generally more savvy during the job search, and less likely to include the more obviously-questionable tidbits like e-mail addresses that hint towards their bedroom proclivities or run on for pages in e-mails about all the details of their personal lives. In other words, less aggravating to me as a recruiter, but also, sadly, less useful to me as a blogger.
Who knows, though? If the week's events have taught us one thing, it's that shockingly poor judgment cuts across all socio-economic groups. Maybe I am sounding an alarm for no reason.
At the least, I stockpiled a few choice items and can always return to the Tips as those are a constant no matter what candidate population you are dealing with. Bear with me, Dear Reader(s) (all two of you...hi!!!*waving*), as we sort this out.
While I suspect this might be good news in the sense that I don't know how much more despairing over the state of the American educational system I could take...this might not be good news for the blog.
I know, I know, this makes the two people in the world who actually read this very sad.
Not, mind you, because I think people at the professional level are actually smarter. After all, it was always the executives and the vice presidents at First Nameless Corporation (where I lost my recruiting innocence) who would insist on saying "between you and I" (because, you know, only lower salary bands ever say the word "me" EVEN WHEN IT'S GRAMMATICALLY EFFING CORRECT) until I would collapse on the floor of the conference room clutching at my throbbing brain.
But they are, dagnabbit, generally more savvy during the job search, and less likely to include the more obviously-questionable tidbits like e-mail addresses that hint towards their bedroom proclivities or run on for pages in e-mails about all the details of their personal lives. In other words, less aggravating to me as a recruiter, but also, sadly, less useful to me as a blogger.
Who knows, though? If the week's events have taught us one thing, it's that shockingly poor judgment cuts across all socio-economic groups. Maybe I am sounding an alarm for no reason.
At the least, I stockpiled a few choice items and can always return to the Tips as those are a constant no matter what candidate population you are dealing with. Bear with me, Dear Reader(s) (all two of you...hi!!!*waving*), as we sort this out.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
This is what happens when you recruit on MySpace.
You come across the phrase "I have a wide pallet when it comes to movies."
And you get so depressed about the state of the written language - which seems to be dying a quick but completely merciless and humilating death, a death those of us who care seem powerless to stop - that you take to your bed for the rest of the day.
Then again maybe I'm being melodramatic, and maybe he really meant that he's got a low, portable platform on which he keeps the wide variety of movies he enjoys.
And you get so depressed about the state of the written language - which seems to be dying a quick but completely merciless and humilating death, a death those of us who care seem powerless to stop - that you take to your bed for the rest of the day.
Then again maybe I'm being melodramatic, and maybe he really meant that he's got a low, portable platform on which he keeps the wide variety of movies he enjoys.
It's time for another installment of "Email is free."
So save the one you've created containing the phrase "dom in training" for handing your resume over to the Dungeon Master at the Gothic Castle.
("Dom" = dominant partner in BDSM situation.)
But for your general resume seeking, say, an administrative position in the vanilla world? Use an e-mail that won't make the hiring manager half-distracted during the interview, listening to see if she can hear the latex squeaking underneath your business suit.
("Dom" = dominant partner in BDSM situation.)
But for your general resume seeking, say, an administrative position in the vanilla world? Use an e-mail that won't make the hiring manager half-distracted during the interview, listening to see if she can hear the latex squeaking underneath your business suit.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Someone has watched "Erin Brockovich" a few too many times.
Sum total of candidate's experience as listed on resume:
"Banking and finance attorney."
Now, I know that working at titty bars is a necessary evil - or not-so-evil, depending on your views - for many young women who are putting themselves through college. (Who could have anticipated this blog would have occasion to reference such establishments on a fairly regular basis?) So it's not to say that working at such a bar and a big box retailer are de facto clear signposts that one lacks the qualifications to make the leap to banking and finance attorney. However, there was a total lack of education listed on the resume, all of her experience was listed in one near-run-on sentence in one paragraph, she spelled "customer" "custumer" and used the phrase "Me and my co-worker helped them with their phones."
So let's just say I didn't get the feeling this is the resume of a Lifetime Television for Women story of the valedictorian who pasty-twirled her way through Stanford Law School.
Honey, by all means, dream big. Dream as big as your knockers!
That said, maybe there needs to be an interim step between cocktail waitress and banking/finance attorney. Like paralegal? Hell, like receptionist at the office NEXT to the law firm? How about some law school? And taking the bar?
These are just some ideas.
And, oh, yeah, spell-check.
- Less than one year as cocktail waitress at [name redacted but take my word this time it's an actual titty bar and not just my filthy mind] Bar (where she is required to "enteract" [sic] with customers...is that what the kids are calling it these days?).
- Five months as a sales associate at a big box retailer (no double entendre intended).
"Banking and finance attorney."
Now, I know that working at titty bars is a necessary evil - or not-so-evil, depending on your views - for many young women who are putting themselves through college. (Who could have anticipated this blog would have occasion to reference such establishments on a fairly regular basis?) So it's not to say that working at such a bar and a big box retailer are de facto clear signposts that one lacks the qualifications to make the leap to banking and finance attorney. However, there was a total lack of education listed on the resume, all of her experience was listed in one near-run-on sentence in one paragraph, she spelled "customer" "custumer" and used the phrase "Me and my co-worker helped them with their phones."
So let's just say I didn't get the feeling this is the resume of a Lifetime Television for Women story of the valedictorian who pasty-twirled her way through Stanford Law School.
Honey, by all means, dream big. Dream as big as your knockers!
That said, maybe there needs to be an interim step between cocktail waitress and banking/finance attorney. Like paralegal? Hell, like receptionist at the office NEXT to the law firm? How about some law school? And taking the bar?
These are just some ideas.
And, oh, yeah, spell-check.
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