2006 Winner: Most Unappealing List of Job Duties

A two word phrase I never ever ever expected to see on a resume: "DECAPITATED HEAD."

(Please note: I am deeply grateful that someone DOES do this job. I am not slagging on the person who performs these duties. I just read them and hate my job a little less as it involves exactly zero preparations or transports of decapitated rabid animal heads. So I’m grateful for that too.)

From resume:

"Duties:

• sanitized kennels daily
• informed public of procedures involving quarantine when animal bites occurred
• decapitation of dead animals
• prepared dead animal head for rabies research
• completed forms & reports for transport of decapitated head
• participated in the euthanization of animals as required
• accompanied kennel aide to landfill sites for disposal of dead animals
• involved in extensive public contact with irate citizens
• use of computer"

(For those of you who are keeping track, meaning none of you, this also counts as my "Thursday's Installment of Some Shit I Am Happy About." Because I'm pretty happy that my Task List today does not include taking dead animals to the landfill and then coming back to deal with irate citizens. Lordy I hope this person was paid well.)

No one told me...

...that "loose" now means "lose." As in "Every time I loose power I loose my phone line" or "Don't loose your keys." This is now rampant. And no, Candidates, I'm actually not talking to you; this is directed at you, Co-Workers.

Is this a thing now? Like "it's" when it's supposed to be "its"? Something that is about to become so goddamn ubiquitous that there's no point in getting worked up about it anymore?

There should be some kind of memo that goes out monthly that outlines the Grammar Battles No Longer Worth Fighting so that I can better know when to waste a rise in my blood pressure.

What else could one expect from a 23-page resume?

That's right: 23 pages. Some of it was formatting issues, but still.

Based on the inclusion of the below paragraph, you might wonder for what position was this person applying? Professor? (Bad) Political Writer? Think Tank Thinker?

No, Supply Chain Manager. For an IT company.

"After the Terror Attackson USA 9/11 2001 and even with New NATO Member States, Bulgaria joining November 2002 in Prague more effective! As to France, Germany failing to support USA Policy on Iraq: their Leaders should re-read Herman WOUK's 'War and Remembrance' and 'Wind of War'!"

God I love the crazies.

Well, at least this was typed instead of being scrawled in tiny print in a feces-smeared composition notebook and mailed to me with a light dusting of anthrax.

Aggravation Style Points: Older Gents

Although it is the holidays and I shouldn't be a-complainin', what with peace and love and all that, I haven't had a recruiting-related post in a few days and I feel itchy to get back on topic otherwise I might start talking about like dating or my new favorite hair-dryer or something.

So instead, I have to report that I have noticed that one particular variety of shaved monkey has once again distinguished itself.

I've already singled out the ladies, now it's time for the fellas, namely some of the older fellas. (By older, I mean, of course, older than me. Going by the dates on their resumes, I'm thinking a lot of these dudes are over 45.) I am seeing a trend of late with many of you. (And of course it goes without saying that it's not ALL of the older dudes, so if you are not guilty of the below, please don't get your knickers in a knot about it.)

Anyway, to the Older Gentlemen Who ARE Guilty of It? Let me finish my sentence.

Let

me

finish

my

goddamn

sentence.

These are the conversations I've been having with far too many of you all lately:

ME: This position is located in Upyerbutt, AR. Are you open to reloca...
YOU: Yes, my wife and I plan to relocate there.
ME: And what are your salary requir...
YOU: I'm looking for a $100K.
ME: And if an offer is extended, how soon would you...
YOU: Two weeks.

Look, I know I sound about all of thirteen on the phone, but I am not thirteen, and even if I were thirteen, why the hell shouldn't a thirteen-year-old be permitted to speak a sentence uninterrupted to its punctuation mark?

I realize my questions are quite predictable, but guess what else they are? Brief. I'm adding absolutely no extraneous comments, chit chat, falderol, etc. So just wait a nanosecond, let me take them to their natural conclusion, and when words have ceased to come from my mouth, that means it is YOUR turn to talk and present an answer. It's called courtesy.

You are all on notice. Moving forward, I will not be stopping. You can attempt to interrupt me, but if I am no longer going to stop talking just because you've decided it's my time to shut up. If I start a question, I'm going to finish the question, and talk right the f over you so you might as well let me do it. Consider yourself warned.

UPDATE: Hours Until/Hours Since

Hours Until I Don't Have to Work Anymore: Um...sort of zero (I give up)
Hours Since the Contractor Was Supposed to Show Up or at Least Call (and Didn't): Zero! Indoor plumbing here I come!

Hours Until/Hours Since

Hours Until I Don't Have to Work Anymore: Five
Hours Since the Contractor Was Supposed to Show Up or at Least Call (and Didn't): Two

Stayed tuned for updates!

A Toilet for Xmas

(Can you feel it, Reader? Only eight hours 'til I don't have to do this job for 96 whole hours! I am down to only four days off instead of the FIVE FIVE FIVE I crowed about but whatever! I'll take it!)

So, Reader, in case you were wondering what someone like me, grumpy and snappish and gnarl-hearted, longs for at this time of year, here's your answer: All I want for Xmas is a working toilet. IN my place.

I made the mistake of telling my landlord that my hot water faucet - in the kitchen - dripped. And somehow this translated to spending the last six weeks enduring an unanticipated bathroom remodel. Right now my toilet is non-operational and living two rooms away from its rightful home. Luckily I have access to other facilities, but let's face it: OTHER facilities cannot hold a candle to YOUR OWN facilities.

The one bright spot in the whole process has been that my contractor has been completely and inadvertently entertaining. He's a little rocker kid (it's kind of like having a Stroke grouting your tile) - and when I say little, I mean teeny tiny. I think he wears like size two girl jeans. I KNOW he wears girl jeans because he told me all about it, I just forgot to ask him what size.

He's told me all about MANY things. I know about his girl trouble, his upbringing (he was home schooled by fundamentalist Christian parents), his mild drug use, his transportation issues, his roommate situation.

Now, as everyone is well aware, I don't take kindly, generally, to unsolicited personal disclosure. UNLESS, as the Championship Powerlifter demonstrated, you manage to entertain me. Which my Rocker Contractor seems to unintentionally do every time he shows up.

Below are some of my favorite things that he has said thus far. I told him that entering Week Six I am losing my mind without a fully operational bathroom and I am sick of brushing my teeth in the kitchen sink so HE MUST FINISH UP AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE XMAS. He was sympathetic and responded by not showing up for two days this week. So I think this will continue into the New Year. If so, expect to see some more of these entries. In fact, I am thinking of filming him. He just comes out with too many gems; they should be documented:

• Well, I'm going to go home and curl my hair.
• (To his dog who was licking his face. Oh, yes, his dog that he brings INTO my house. Without asking.) Don't put your tongue in my mouth, that's bad for a boy doggie. (I could not restrain myself from asking him, to clarify, if in fact I had heard correctly and it was the fact of it being a BOY doggie tongue as opposed to just being DOGGIE tongue that was the problem.)
• "In the midnight hour/She cried 'More more more.'" (Yes, that's from "Rebel Yell" a song he was singing at some rock charity event. Which is fine, except those were the ONLY TWO LINES of the song he would absently sing to himself for DAYS on end. I BEGGED him to sing other parts of the song or an entirely different song, but without thinking he would inevitably return to just those two lines.)
• There's nothing this town likes better than a longhair in a VW bus.
• I think the air quality in my apartment is affecting my vocal cords. (Said whilst smoking, and being covered with a little dusting of the mud he was sanding off the walls. "Do you need some sort of mask?" I had asked as I watched from my desk the dust falling right into his open mouth. "Nah," he had replied.)
• I threw my hair straightener across the room the other day.

Good, as they say, Times! Happy Holidays all! Enjoy your operational toilets!

An Arbitrary and Resounding Yes

After spending the last four months looking down my nose at any personal items including on resumes, I have a slight reversal of opinion.

If you are a woman and a lawyer and have also been a participant in a statewide Championship Powerlifting event, go ahead and put it on your resume.

Why? I have no idea. This is entirely capricious advice that I will probably tell you not to follow once I haven't been up until 2:00 AM making holiday biscotti. All I know is I saw it on a resume today and it didn't make me homicidal. The somewhat unexpected juxtaposition instead made me feel not-bored for a nanosecond while at work. I don't know that I want to help her get a job, but I do know she's going to have to be a character in a story at some point.

So there you go. It's an Xmas miracle!

Zombification

So part of why I am so grumpy all the livelong day is because I haven’t had a real vacay in just about forever, and have a sort of job that much like a gas, expands to fit whatever container (i.e., my waking hours) it’s put into.

And to abruptly change metaphors, work is also like a toxin that builds up in your system. I think of it like gout: there are these work crystals building up under my skin and eventually I get so sensitive I cannot bear the weight of a sheet on my toe/phone call from innocent candidate.

BUT…although there is apparently a war on Xmas or something that people like me are somehow perpetrating by sending out cards that say “Happy Holidays” because we know/like some Jewish people and atheists and are too lazy/indifferent to send out different cards to every person based on what holiday they may or may not be celebrating, Xmas has nevertheless retained the strength to get me a (paid) day fricking off in a week and a half. (Thank you, Xmas!)

And I am going to finagle a few other days off in there and I am going to have five – count ‘em FIVE FIVE FIVE – days where I do not have to ask anyone to describe their current job duties or what their target salary is or how soon they would be available to begin if a position is offered. Five whole days in a row where I can spend all day talking with people about something other than their experience with SOX 404 or their skill level with Excel!

And THAT, Reader, is my Thursday’s Installment of Some Shit that I Am Happy About.

Until then, I am switching into Recruiter Zombie mode. I am still physically here, I am still carrying out my duties, but my brain/soul has already left my body and won’t return until Jan 1, 2007. Posts until then may consist of grunts and or zombie-typing which looks like this:

Ury swrt5giAE GIsrwgeghtu4tg9wtg4qgt wsrhgtegftwisgy gtwesi gts wrgtSWGtw5gthed5r hsuer huaqygtue5uijr4wtytg g yrdrtgtxqt4g5rgtswrwst8wt5ait6h4 GFV8swrG89OA5Y3JNER GIKUHDFGIURWTKIUJSETUHAERUIGHDKSJFNK.ISETHO8LEHT RWHTGKJLRNO;8TH4T.

Job security feels a lot...

...like hot boiling agony.

I'm apparently on this project for the foreseeable future, folks, so...

Yeah.

I had a little escape route planned but the Ringwraiths of Upper Management sniffed it out and cut me off.

So, Hi, Reader! I'm here all night! All week! For-effing-ever!

(Placeholder for image to be added later of me disappearing into a hypno-swirl-thingy, with my tiny hand pitifully reached out towards the light! The LIGHT!!!!!)

How Not to Leave a Voicemail Message

(Preamble: I am 100% certain that this entire post and entire complaint has probably already been bloggified verbatim by some other primate with a keyboard, but I got nothing else for you today, Reader.)

How Not to Leave a Voicemail Message

Don't leave this:

"HithisisStacey[or Daisy or Tracey or Macy or possibly even Ashley]andigotyouremailandiamcallingyoubackmynumberisfivefivefive[unintelligible]fivefivefiveandmycellnumberis[completely, totally unintelligible after several replays of the message, although, in the interest of full disclosure, the last listening was somewhat drowned out by the sound of my own anguished yelp of frustration]."

How Not to Leave Three Voicemail Messages

Do not leave the above three times in one day.

***

For those of you only recently waking up in the late Oughts, may I alert you to a handy feature on many voicemails these days, which is that you can take a listen to the message you just left to determine if, in fact, someone without access to FBI-style audio clean-up tools will be able to understand what you are saying prior to actually sending the message. If there’s any doubt, re-record.

Of course, that expectation is a bit of a double-edged sword and it’s inevitable the one time that you like drop your phone on your foot and swear like a stevedore mid-message will be the time that you called someone with the cruel voicemail that will not allow you to re-record. So be careful, Rip!

Potentially Useful Information

Now you really cannot say I never gave you anything, Reader, because with this post, I have given you at least two pieces of actual information instead of just the usual complaints. (Here's the other and I am dead serious: it is crazy tasty.)

Deborah Ng, who, as I have mentioned, runs a helpful blog for freelance writers, posted that she was interviewed on Salary Stories, which alerted me to the fact that there is something called Salary Stories.

Even if I were not in recruiting, I would still be nosy, so I find the info on here quite interesting in an up-in-your-business kind of way. If you are actively considering a career change, there might be some useful stuff on here to check out. If you are not actively considering a career change, but tend to look in people's medicine cabinets when you are in their bathrooms, you will probably also find it of interest.

Still Chiming My One Note

I am clearly playing the triangle in the giant orchestra that is blogging, because seriously, it's all the same stuff lately, ain't it? It's all some variation on my original post, namely, you are looking for employment. An exchange of skills and time for money. Not friendship, not a relationship, not a date.

I know I keep saying the same thing and every few days I get all Ram Dass on my own ass think, "You know what? I don't want to do the blog anymore because it's just more like, negativity, man, out in the world and there's so much of it out there and like I just want to be happy."

And it will go quiet in the recruiting world, candidates will be dutifully submitting cover letters and resumes that exhibit common sense and restraint, and they will not have "Smack That" as their ringback tone, and I will think I am safe.

But then someone slips up and I enter a Wormhole of Questionable Judgment and I cannot restrain myself from commenting upon it. I can't. To let this kind of thing go unremarked upon would like...like a tacit approval! How could I sleep at night?

So, once again, my advice:

• If you are a 51-year old man, do not put your myspace address on your resume.
• If you are a 51-year old man, who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, do not start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!"
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", then you might want to go scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc.
• If you are a 51-year old man who has misguidedly put his myspace address on his resume, and DID start off your "About Me" section talking about how you are the most talked-about person within your geographic locale and "nope! [you're] not schizoid, paranoid or psycho!", and you neglected to scrub it of all references to NaughtyGirls, Penthouse, etc., then you might want to dial back the more rabidly divisive political stuff.
  

If you are a 51-year old man who could bring yourself to do none of the above because, dammit, even during the job search every little thing in your life is a Song of Yourself and why SHOULDN'T you express your likes and dislikes as this is AMERICA, and what am I, some kind of commie?

Well, then, at the very least, can I beg you to edit down the like 2000 words of all cap screaming in your "About Me" and "Who I'd Like to Meet" section?

And might I also remark that just in the spirit of efficiency, you don't reallly NEED 2000 words, period, in your "Who I'd Like to Meet" section because you started it off with a somewhat naughty picture of a naughty girl, and I think that picture is actually worth your 2000 words.

New Feature!

Although I am loathe to go off-topic because then, really, it's just a slippery slope to Online Diary, and the world doesn't need another one of those.

Nevertheless, I'm starting to be mildy disturbed by my own candidate-hating misanthropy as cataloged through this blog. It's awfully one-note.

So I think that once a week (let's say Thursdays because that's usually when I am really losing it) I should post something that is not a fatigued and despairing entry about yet another "Stupid Thing Somebody Stupid Stupidly Did (Aggrieved Sigh)." Instead I will try to post "Things that Remind Me It's Not So Bad to Be a Human."

I am going to keep an eye out for recruiting-related hope-inducing items, but honestly, this week, I don't have any (aggrieved sigh).

BUT! There is this off-topic hope-inducing item!


I can't wait!!!!!

That's right, unbridled enthusiasm + multiple exclamation points. Kitten pics and poems about Jesus or friendship sure TK.

I'm sure it's just an ESL typo...

...but when a candidate sends me a message that says - or, crucially, asks:

"Thanks you for your nice message?"

I can't help but look around myself nervously, like...is my simmering resentment showing?

Time Zones 101

Candidate, if I ask you if you are available at - specifically - "1:00 PM Pacific Time" for a phone interview, but you happen to be on the East Coast this week, then what you need to do is add three hours to 1:00 PM, which, voila! = 4:00 PM EST.

What you should NOT do is assume that if I am available at 1:00 PM Pacific Time, that I would also be available at 1:00 PM Eastern Time (10:00 AM Pacific Time). And then get mad because I didn't call you at that time, even though I made it clear when I was available.

1) I do not have you tagged with GPS and plot out your whereabouts on a Google map. I do not know where you are this week or any other week for that matter.
2) 1:00 PM Pacific Time and 1:00 PM Eastern Time ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TIMES. It makes no sense to assume that if I am available for one I am available for the other.

And there were three mattresses, one of which had blood-stains on the side.

I spent last night in a crappy motel with a cat that (who?) decided at 4:45AM that he didn't like it anymore and spent the next hour crying and pooping.

So I am not prepared for your near-cryptic e-mails that sound vaguely like foreign spam this morning, Candidate. Please try again.


"Hello Ill-Suit,

Thank you very much for the email.

Yes, I am interested for the position. Please, see attached my resume file.

you can process a brief, 10-minute phone screen with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as December 6. If the schedule is not inconvenient for you, please let me know for any time."

In Praise of Formality

From cover letter:

"Before I began raising children, I had a brain and I had ambition, drive, and verve."

I know this candidate is trying to be chummy, but no. No. Just don't do it. Resist the urge to be cute.

Ow.

From resume (emphasis added for leg-cross-inspiring misspelling):

"Duties: Pulling Charts putting the right documents in the chart taking Vital Signs screening Patients getting them ready for the Dr. Giving Injections doing EKG Test. Weighing Patients setting up tray for Pap Simmer, Assisting Dr. with Pap Simmer. Assisting Dr. with I&D minor Surgery."

Not even going to comment on the worrying possibility that this individual is helping with ANY surgery, minor or not.

Apologies

To Reader(s):

I was all set to post every weekday in earnest this week, but then I totally forgot to post yesterday. But I figure that the what? third day in a row of Britney flashing the photogs is like the blogging equivalent of a snow day: why bother posting when you know you cannot compete with that trainwreck?

To Candidates:

This week, it’s totally not you, it’s me, and in this particular case, I actually do mean me. No matter how many cups of coffee I drink this week, I cannot wake up. It’s like my synaptic clefts got exponentially bigger over the holiday weekend and my little neurotransmitters are pumping at the same volume and so cannot make the jump. Like they just disappear off a cliff. And I wind up just sitting here staring off into space for ten minutes before I realize: I’ve been staring off into space for ten minutes.

(Aside: when reading about how neurons and the brain works, does anyone else GET COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT like, is that IT? Like somehow you throw enough of those things together and all of a sudden I can read and/or write a sentence, have a personality, prefer cats to dogs, sing in harmony? That just wigs me out.)

But anyway, Candidate, so I am giving you a total pass for the rest of the week because, quite frankly, I can barely tie my own shoes, much less make a measured assessment of your abilities against the job description. As long as you don’t make any egregious missteps during the phone screen, you are probably getting through! (Streamers! Party hats! Confetti!)

To the Dude Who Wrote this Letter on Salon (you might have to watch a brief ad to read):

You are right. And I am sorry. And I'm being completely sincere. We do kinda suck.

Why are you telling me this?

I know I'm flogging (blogging?) a dead horse here as this is at least my third post on this topic, but EVERY SINGLE TIME I see something like this, I'm 100% the same amount of incredulous and outraged. It's always like the first time.

From resume for A FINANCIAL ANALYST candidate:

"Professional caliber artist specializing in portraits and pencil sketches."

Why? Why is this on your resume when the jobs you are applying for have NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS? Why would I care? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CARE?

What am I missing? I'm now cycling past incredulity/outrage to like, is it me? Am I the one who doesn't get it? I have forever claimed that I was absent one day in third grade and missed an all-school assembly that Explained It All and the reason why I am constantly befuddled by humanity is because I had a stomachache that day. That, or the fact that we were the only family without cable in my neighborhood doomed me to just never ever getting it.

But I don't get it.

Reader(s?...are there still at least two?), do you? Can someone please explain this to me? I try and try to imagine what on this planet could inspire me to think that some potential employer would be slightly swayed to hire me because I like to bicycle or make really tasty biscotti but I just can't. Can't imagine.

I'm glad Ginuwine wants to sex you up...

...but do I need to hear about it when I am calling for a job?

(If you follow this link and click on "Listen" for Track 2, you will hear what I am referencing. No actual bad words are used but would use caution if you are in a cubicle environment and/or hyper-sensitive to rico-sauve talk.)

(Aside: I'm also glad that Ginuwine is exploring some alternate income streams here, because really, what's he been up to?)

If you have something like this, one of those ringback tone things you kids are all about nowadays, might I suggest you disable the feature during your job search. Or use a different phone.

If you insist on using it, try to avoid a song with lyrics containing the word that just got Michael Richards in trouble or ones that refer to humans with ovaries as "bitches." Because you never really know what the person calling you for a gig might think of those words. Or, as in my case, there might be things equally or more offensive on her iPod, but she will hang up just because it's so effing stupid and unprofessional that she can't be bothered to talk to you.

The question marks are the best part.

This Sunday's New York Times had an article about "Child-Led Learning" which is apparently a form of home-schooling that allows kids to set the pace and pick what they want to learn about each day and follow their curiousity, etc.

I was immediately stricken with horror, imagining 50 years from now when I am in a nursing home being cared for by the generation raised this way. "I just don't FEEL like giving Ms. Ill-Suit her insulin right now."

Anyhoodle, the reason I am thinking of that is that I saw this on a resume, and sort of suspect maybe this person had her own fair share of "Child-Led Learning" as well:

"My current schedule for the rest of this year is this:
Sunday: 1:00 PM- ?
Monday: 11:30 AM- ?
Tuesday: 1:30 PM- ?
Wednesday: 11:30 AM- 6:30 PM
Thursday: 1:30 PM- ?
Friday: 11:30 AM- ?
Saturday: All day "


In the interest of full disclosure, I totally hate The Man and think we all should be wrestling back as much of our lives as possible from the Scourge that is Work. Nevertheless, come on now. This is not, sweetheart, how the world currently runs.

CORRECTION

It was NOT Tofurky Day, as I previously indicated below. It was To-Quorn Day or Quornkey Day or whatever. Actually not an un-tasty fake meat, although the facts from this Slate article I read months before were still sort of hazily floating around in my head as I ate it, making me feel slightly on edge throughout the dinner. Still on the fence about it.

Anyway, just wanted to be sure that all three Readers had a completely accurate understanding of what my Thanksgiving entailed. The cornbread pudding KILLED.

Don't say I never gave you anything, Reader.

In the spirit of the holiday or whatever, please follow below link if you would like a recipe for the most heavenly of cheesy-bready goodness in the form of Seattle restaurant guru Tom Douglas’s Etta’s Cornbread Pudding.

But be forewarned: just looking at the ingredient list will clog at least one (1) artery.

I will be making it for the Tofurky Day festivities tomorrow and while it’s not likely to be quite as transcendent as the stuff at the restaurant, I don't see how anything with that quantity of full-fat dairy products could possibly turn out bad.

(Also…not that I would know anything about this particular part of the country because I certainly wouldn’t be foolish enough to put any personal/distinguishing characteristics out here on this grounds-for-termination blog, but I have heard tell that if you are ever around Seattle way, you really cannot go too wrong with any of Tom Douglas’s places. The shrimpy thing at Lola’s? Nothing bad about that.)

While I do have to work on Black Friday, I will likely be both hungover and carbed-out-sluggish, so either no posts or if there are posts, I’m just going to apologize in advance now for their even more phoning-it-in than usual quality.

Sorry.

Everything I Need to Know that I Apparently Didn't Learn in Kindergarten...

...somebody with an MBA wants to try to teach me as an adult. From a meeting (of adults! in the workplace!) agenda about "Building Trust" for today:

"•Talk straight. Be honest and tell the truth.
•Demonstrate respect. Treat everyone with respect, especially those who can't do anything for you.
•Right wrongs. Apologize quickly. Don't let pride get in the way of doing the right thing.
•Show loyalty. Acknowledge others' contributions. Speak about others as if they were present.
•Practice accountability. Don't blame others when things go wrong.
•Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
•Sharing is caring."

OK, two of those are fake.

I am so bummed that this isn't a face-to-face meeting, because if it were, I would totally start eating paste about twelve minutes in.

Also Too Good to Leave in Comment Trail: Totally Fortunate Name!

So I don't know if it's like way blog-dorky to keep pulling comments from the comments to make posts out of them, but so what if it is? You're not the boss of me!

Anyway, Deborah Ng, who has a really great free writing job posting blog/service for freelance writers (I should alert the candidate from the below post) left me the below comment (thanks, Deborah!) in response to an Unfortunate Name post:

"When I worked in retail there was a gentleman who used to come in on occasion to sell antiques. His name? 'Mighty Dreamstreet.' At first I thought it was a joke or street cred adding nickname such as Mr T or LL Cool J, but the gentleman informed me that it was, indeed, his name."

Like on the one hand, I have my usual why-on-earth-would-anyone-do-that? reaction. But then again...Mighty Dreamstreet. I would completely be a superhero by now if that were my name.

FYI: TMI

From a resume of a candidate looking for an accounting position:

"I wrote four novels, 13 short stories, and translated 2/3 of a classic story s youth version from Mandarin to English. (All unpublished for now.)"

So many levels...where to start?

1) You're applying for an accounting position. All this tells me is that you are possibly going to be even more miserable in that job than I am in mine.
2) Why only 2/3?
3) "All unpublished for now." Actually, that one speaks for itself.

Unfortunate Names: Special Eyebrow-Waxing Edition

This is actually not recruiting-related. (*Body sagging like a toddler in the grocery store*) I don't wanna write about recruiting this week. Seriously, sometimes the only way to get through doing your job is to sort of pretend for a week that you're actually NOT doing your job and to instead read all your journals from ten years ago and think: a) yeah, that one auburn-haired kid at college who read "Scientific American" WAS really unexpectedly hot and maybe I should google him and see what he's up to and b) I might be crazy but AT LEAST I'm no longer circa-1996-crazy.

So this episode of Unfortunate Names has nothing to do with recruiting UNLESS you are in charge of hiring at my local salon. In which case: I don't want anybody whose name is Patti - crucially - with an "i" waxing my eyebrows.

I don't want to have to explain it, I think some of you out there might know or at least sense what I am talking about...all I know is I got them waxed, I was displeased, then she handed me her card and AS SOON as I saw "Patti" with an i, I was like, "Damn, I wish I had known that before."

I am sure there are a couple Patti-with-an-i eyebrow-waxers who are like the Michael Jordan of waxing and maybe I'll be flamed for my extremely controversial post here, but I know what I know. And I know I will be finding another waxist.

And no, I'm not surprised to see you, I'm just going to look like this for another three weeks.

Can't be bothered.

Addendum!

I've now recovered my seat on my exercise ball and have a little bit more to say about the below post.

"No HIDDEN drinking/drugs"?

The addition of this word gives me a sudden vision of walking past this dude's cube - which is of course decorated with a) pictures of his wife, b) footballs and power tools and other outre signs of unapologetic vigorous male heterosexuality, c) an Opus plush toy and d) a toaster, and seeing him, sleeve rolled up, belt around his bicep with one end clenched in his teeth, cheerfully shooting up because, much like his 100% red-blooded love-of-the-ladies, a love so virile it must be included on a resume for employment, his drug use is something about which he's completely open.

Can...not...type...

I read this on a resume and fell off my exercise ball chair and am typing this with one hand from the floor:

"Not divorced, not gay, no hidden drinking/drugs. U.S. citizen. Taoist/ Buddhist readings. Favorite comics:Peanuts, Blondie, Bloom County. Favorite waffle: L Eggo My Eggo!. HTML. Enjoy surfing the Net (maybe too much!)"

From a RESUME.

WHO RAISED THESE PEOPLE?

I can't go on. That is too much for a Monday morning. The waffle-eating, "Bloom County"-reading, not divorced/not gay Taoist candidate might have pushed me over the edge. I'm going back to the weekend.

"It's my fondest dream..."

Doing a little Sunday evening prep work for the week (and about to watch "60 Minutes" and also preparing to be bummed about Ed Bradley whom I've been watching since I was a kid and who seemed like a really all right guy), and listening to some work messages.

One candidate called me back, saying she's excited to talk to me because "it's [her] fondest dream to work for Current Nameless Corporation."

(Key detail: not an ESL candidate. Not a quaint mistranslation. Native English speaker fully conscious of her word choice.)

Okay, I know I am the one on my laptop on the weekend and watching a CBS News Program like I'm a retiree or something instead of the frisky young lady that I am, but I am seriously depressed now about this lady's life if doing ANY kind of job at Current Nameless Corporation is her "fondest dream." Like, even if you DREAMED of being the CEO, wouldn't you just be dreaming of cashing out at some point so that you could go actually live your "fondest dream?"

Or maybe that is just me and maybe that is all part of why I am ill-suited. There are some good and interesting things that happen in this environment but I could not imagine dreaming about it.

(Damn, one minute into the Ed Bradley tribute I am already teary. )

The Wrong Answer

I recently had to do a lot of phone screens for an entry-level position. The screening process included one particular question that seemed to trip up most candidates.

The question was:

Tell me about a time you had to multi-task.

When I would ask the question exactly as it was written, invariably the answer would come back too general. Rather than provide an example, per the question, the candidate would usually just give a kind of stock answer about how they "always" do that or "did it all the time."

And honestly, I don't really care, but this particular hiring manager was a stickler for the specific answer. Wanted the concrete example. So then I would have to ask the question again, and try to get them to describe one particular situation.

So in order to save time, rather than asking the question, getting the wrong style of answer, and then asking it again, I started saying this right off the bat:

Please tell me about a time you had to multi-task. I realize this might be a skill you had to use nearly every day in your previous position, but that's not what we are looking for with this question. Rather than a general sense of your skill in that area or what you did every day, we're really looking for a specific situation related to multi-tasking, like one project or particular period in time.

And 3 out of 5 times, the candidate's response to this was:

"Oh, that's something I had to do EVERYDAY."

They gave me the answer I JUST TOLD THEM was the wrong answer.

Look, despite this whole blog, I AM ON YOUR SIDE. I don't like to be rejected and I don't want to reject you. You want a job and I want to help you get a job. Work gives a person purpose, dignity...at least for the first week until you realize how small your paycheck is and it's going to be six months till you get benefits and can get that tooth fixed and the department head is a mouthbreather and the whole damn system starts to eat at your soul.

But I want you to have that first good week! I want to pass your resume onto the hiring manager!

So please: work with me. If words are coming out of my mouth, make your best effort to listen to ALL of them.

Ladies' Mid-Morning!

When I was but a wee lass, there was a group in my high school called the "Society of Women Scholars." It was a group for the ladies.

Although I was both a) a lady and b) kinda brainy, I refused to join because it was an exclusionary group.

(The second reason I refused to join was because the aconym was "SOWS." Seriously. WHO PICKS A NAME for a WOMEN'S group with THAT as the acronym? And, although I look back now and think I was probably pretty durn cute and should have been running around in halter tops quite a bit more than I did, at the time I felt the usual young-lady insecurity about...well, everything. So I think I also just did not want to be associating with something with a name like SOWS, like to give myself a fighting chance.)

I didn't - and don't - like exlcusionary groups NOT because I am so open-minded and open-hearted that I just love everyone and everything the same. (As we established, I don't actually have a heart, just a shrivelled little nub of an organ that keeps the venom circulating regular.)

Rather I cannot stand everyone and everything about the same, and so I don't like exclusionary groups because I think you are all a bunch of shaved monkeys (when I say you, I mean THEM, not YOU, Reader[s], I mean the Other People, the ones who don't read this) so why bother dividing you up into classes and colors and genders of shaved monkeys and making distinctions about it. Most of the time I'm too busy being racked with despair that I am trapped here with the lot of you all (Other People) on this, the only planet we know of that I can survive on.

But, occasionally, despite this, sometimes I cannot help but notice that certain kinds of shaved monkeys aggravate me in particular ways. Again, ultimately, the quantity of aggravation is about equal, it's more like...like Style Points.

So, with that preamble out of the way, today, Ladies, let's discuss some Style Points you've been accumulating. The following is directed at you because I keep hearing something similar from quite a few of you every week, whereas I cannot think of a single instance of a guy doing this. And I talk - literally - to hundreds of people every month so screw it, I'm going to make a distinction.

First of all, let me say I know first hand the conditioning we go through to be cooperative rather than competitive, to always be inclusive and considerate, and all that other stuff. And, actually, that is all good stuff.

But that said, when I ask you "What are your current job duties?" your answer should NOT nearly exclusively contain the pronoun "we" unless you are, in fact, applying for a job with your conjoined twin.

You might be working as part of a team. You might feel like giving credit where credit is due. It might feel weird to toot your own horn. But guess what? Your team is not going to get you this job. Your modesty is not going to get you this job.

The purpose of an interview is for you to draw for me, the interviewer, clear connections between what YOU have done and how that will fit in with a new position. And if you kept telling me how "we did this" and "we did that," I'm going to wonder what the heck YOU were doing at that previous job besides trailing along behind all those other folks.

So, ladies, say it with me now: I. I. I. I.

If you did it, you can take credit for it. So say it.

Actual Unfortunate Names - Too Good to Leave in Comment Trail

A million thanks to Lisa the Mad Tatter for alerting me to what is really one of the most questionable and unfortunate names I have encountered. From her comment:

You think "Lucifer" and "Little" are bad? I know of a young man (7 years old) by the name of Handsomestranger. Yes. Handsomestranger. It begs the question: Was he named for his father?

That is FANTASTIC. Merry Early Xmas Everyone!

From the ashes!

My will to nitpick basic spelling/grammatical errors on resumes has been nearly destroyed by the realization that its existence is utterly pointless and anachronistic in today's world...

But every once in a while, it's stirred to life, like the phantom pain of an amputated limb. And today it wants to say:

Is it too much to ask that, if you make $140,000 a year BASE SALARY, working at a job that can be done whilst SEATED and in an climate-controlled building, you know the difference between "your" and "you're"?

Is it, sir? Is it really so beyond the pale to expect that?

And now (to mix imagery) my will to nitpick has exhausted its frail constitution. It's slithering back into its hole. (Please feel free to refer back to the prior sentence for correct usage of "its" vs "it's." Like anybody cares.)

That sound you heard, Candidate...

...was the phone falling from my hand in stunned disbelief when you said the following sentence to me (emphasis, this time, not really added, just transcribed):

"Yeah, right now, I'm really working a solid forty hours a week."

Now, please excuse me for a moment, Candidate, while I turn to Reader(s) and explain this to them.

Was this person emphasizing the amazing work-life balance available in their current position?

Or was this a person in a part-time position explaining why she figured she might as well move to a full-time role?

No, Reader(s), and no.

This was a person COMPLAINING. To ME. The person interviewing them for a FULL-TIME job.

I mean, look, you can see the time I'm posting this, I'm no innocent, I know we don't always work a "solid forty hours a week."

Nevertheless, do we complain about it when we have to? You know, complain about working the number of hours generally considered to be a normal workweek? In a job interview? What is she, from FRANCE or something?

P.S. She wasn't. And not slagging off on the French, just sayin' I'd understand the statement if she had been.

I'm sorry to have been unclear, Rain Man.

Okay, so let's say your current and previous position titles were some variation on Florn-Jumper. You've been an Assistant Florn-Jumper, Junior Florn-Jumper, and now risen in the ranks to become a Senior Florn-Jumper.

But in your heart, you know what you were really put on this earth to do is Queeg Analysis. Any time a project came up in your Florn-Jumping world that involved Queeg Analysis, you rose your sweaty little hand and said, "Me! Me, Boss, I can do that special Queeg Analysis project!"

And finally you are ready to get out of the Florn-Jumping business (much like pole-dancing, it's hard on the body) and try to get into Queeg Analysis full-time. So you apply to my current Queeg Analyst I position posting.

Now, I am hard up for candidates. So although I only see one lone bullet point on your resume about a special project involving Queeg Analysis and everything else seems a little off, I decide to give you a shot.

I talk to you about my Queeg Analyst position, and I like you. You seem like a bright lad. So I say, okay, although Queeg Analysis has not been your primary job duty, I believe you could do it, so I am going to send your resume to the hiring manager.

However, the hiring manager is going to need to be convinced. So I ask you to send me a new resume, highlighting your experience in Queeg Analysis.

What I meant was:

REWRITE your resume to expand on your experience in the area of Queeg Analysis. Although this might have just been a part of a project or two that you worked on in addition to your daily Florn-Jumping duties, flesh out your involvement to show you are not a complete Queeg Analysis novice.

What I DID NOT mean was:

Send me the EXACT SAME RESUME you already provided, but with the bullet point about Queeg Analysis highlighted. Literally. With the yellow highlighter function in MS Word.

I realize this is my own fault. I am talking to to some serious calculator-heads and as my friend who is married to one of them has pointed out, they can be like computers. You have to actually program each step or else they will...well, send you a resume with a bullet point highlighted.

So my apologies, Raymond. I will be more precise moving forward.

P.S. I'm already irritated with my own intra-blog slang, so if you also found it a bit twee and aggravating, I am working on it. I do need to be vague but there must be a better way.

Breaking: It's not a conference call if there are only two people involved.

Then it is called a "phone call."

So please stop referring to it otherwise.

This isn't helping.

Right now, when I am not talking to people with vague jobs related to "process improvements" (I love how the lack of common sense, institutionalized in Corporate America, has now spawned an entire career path/industry that is, at its most basic, basically about making people do things in a logical way), I am talking to accountants.

Which, actually, I wasn't entirely minding: at least what they do (bean counting) makes sense to me.

Then I saw this.

You would think this would make me like them more. But it doesn't.

Could be worse...

After multiple complaints about overwritten job descriptions, saw this in The Seattle Times:

"Filling Mic Dinsmore's shoes at the Port of Seattle is apparently a very big job.

How big?

The headhunting firm looking for his successor last week issued a job description and candidate profile that runs to 21 pages."

Yikes.

Of course, the people working on that position are making about eight times what I do, soooooo...guess it could also be better. Harrumph.

And on the flip side...

So it's 10:40 PM at night and although I took a few minutes to blow off some steam about today's idiot, I am actually up this late to send reject notes to some people I phone screened recently.

And you know how most candidates respond to this?

With surpise (that someone bothered) and appreciation (that, again, someone bothered). I get the sense that a lot of my counterparts don't bother so much. I, of course, lose sleep if I tell someone I'm going to do something and then don't.

Anyway...I can't really blame my counterparts themselves. We're generally working under a lot of pressure to produce and since it's the client (not the candidates) who pay the bills, guess who gets all of our attention. And quite frankly, were I not generally riddled with guilt, I would probably much rather - per my friend's exhortation today - JUST TURN OFF THE LAPTOP at a decent hour. But I TOLD these candidates I'd do something so I am trying to do it.

I just wish that we could build decency into the system. (See also: tilting at windmills.) You know, like it should be built into my work hours this time to circle back to people who took the time to talk with me. It shouldn't be something I have to do on my own time.

But whatever.

Burning Yer Bridges, Take Two

Reader, are you seated?

I need to tell you something.

I…occasionally…make mistakes.

I know this might be hard for you to fathom, but it does happen.

For example, sometimes I have in front of me a job description that is a dense two pages of text, none of which seems to correspond to actual human activity; a hiring manager who will not make time to talk to me; and direct recruiting leadership that is as clueless as – if not more than – I. In such a situation, I might, on occasion, contact the wrong candidate for a position.

Like, for example, if in the two –single-spaced, with no paragraphs – pages of job description, (with so many words you think there would also be some actual information, but, you know, this is the Corporate America, aka, Bizarro World), I see something approximating what might be position requirements, like, say, “head-standing queeg analysis” and “underseas florn-jumping.” (I know, that just sounds ridiculously unrealistic – I mean, there are no acronyms in those at all – but just go with it.)

And, in conducting a search online, I come across a resume that says “single-legged queeg analysis” and “partially-submerged florn-jumping.” In fact, I come across maybe two resumes total with anything even mentioning queeg analysis and/or florn-jumping. And the other dude already works for the company I’m recruiting for.

So I risk it. I send the job description to that one person I find, even though it might be a little off.

Now possibly, to someone with advanced degrees in both queeg analysis and florn-jumping, this might be a ludicrous, possibly insulting error.

And maybe, in whatever Bizarro World I have unwittingly stumbled into, you have the resume equivalent of like Scarlett Johansson, just The Absolute Most Searched Resume in the World. And possibly, you find yourself so inundated, so completely besieged by recruiters attempting to inaccurately match you up with employment, that you can no longer bear it.

Here are a few suggestions.

1) Take down your resume. Don’t leave it to languish out there, all seductive and vulnerable. Set up a job search agent and only apply for the jobs that match what you are looking for. (And be ready for the job search agent to be wrong every once in a while, too.)
2) If you simply MUST leave your resume up there to tempt us recruiters to send you the wrong job…well, here’s a thought: why not set up an anonymous blog to outline all those recruiters’ mistakes for you and your fellow partially-submerged florn-jumpers to laugh at. (I will vouch: it’s therapeutic!)

What I would absolutely NOT suggest you do is the following: send me a rude and insulting e-mail questioning my intelligence and professionalism.

Because guess what? Five minutes after you do, the company’s decided to move operations to a sand bar, and now I need to look for partially-submerged florn-jumpers. Now it’s perfect for you. A little bump in salary too. And this company would be a shorter commute.

And no matter how hard up I am for candidates: I WILL NEVER CALL YOU FOR THIS POSITION. I will also send your e-mail around to my counterparts, and make a note in the company database. So I doubt they will be calling you either.

“So what?” you might scoff. “You saw how few candidates there are with my skill set. You don’t want to hire me? About 100 other companies do.”

All righty then. Then the last thing I will say is that, much like the wise patron avoids pissing off his/her server (you know, the person who brings you the food you are about to ingest?), might I also suggest that you not insult the people who have access to your personal data?

Like your e-mail? Your phone number? Your home address?

Please know, I’m not saying that I would ever do ANYTHING with that confidential information. I took The Sacred Oath of Recruiting the day I got my BigJobBoard.com log on. (I’m kidding. There is no Oath, no one cares.)

But I still wouldn’t ever do anything, because I’m a Good Girl, a Very Very Good Girl, virtuous to the point of self-hindrance at times.

Then again…it is always the quiet ones, isn’t it?

I've had too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too

much coffee today.

I'm kind of a Fast Talker Betty Crocker anyway, but I sincerely apologize today, Candidates!

More later, like when I am up until 2 AM because of the caffeine.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

I received the below from an internal candidate or a contractor with the organization for which I'm recruiting. This was in response to my "I received your resume..." e-mail:

"No, Ill-Suit. I am not interested the [redacted] position. I am not very excited about the competence of this department. Is the hiring manager [redacted]? If it is, definitely a NO!"

What is that smell? Coffee? No?

I love the smell of burning bridges in the morning...smells like...career suicide.

Utterly Off-Topic

I can't write about recruiting today.

I actually had an A-OK day, there was a cheering level of common sense displayed, candidates were pleasant and intelligent and I don't hate them all today.

But I still have about two hours of dayjob work to do and then another hours of secretjob work to do, so although I feel somehow obligated to try to make some kind of post everyday, the only thing that is recruiting-related that I could write about is a little complicated. And the idea of that makes my head hurt.

So I'm briefly wavering on my pointlessly self-imposed restriction to keep this blog to exclusively recruiting-related topics, at the risk of losing my two, possibly three, readers (Hi!!!).

What I want to talk about tonight, Reader(s), is clogs. Or, to be specific, Crocs. These things:



While I don't particularly care for these shoes, I also don't hate them with the same vehemence as some people. When it comes to shoes, I'm a lover not a fighter and so all my strong emotions are reserved for some deep, stereotypical, medulla-oblongata-generated, lustful passion for anything with a heel that looks like it scars hard wood floors.

You know, whatever, to each his/her own, and some people - rightly so - would prefer to not court the possible ankle-twisting and lower back pain associated with what Dianne Brill called "High Risk Shoes." Good for you.

But today I saw something I just did not get.

A dude in camouflage Crocs. And a camo tee shirt.

And this was no metrosexual. This was no hipster appropriation of camouflage. This was a big dude buying smokes and, I imagine, like beef jerky and American beer and something else to take with him wherever those kinds of people go with that stuff. Somewhere that you come back from with a large mammal strapped to something.

And I just kept staring at his feet. Because camo...CLOGS?

Like, if you are somewhere that you need camo...aren't you necessarily somewhere that you also need a FULL SHOE?

I dunno. It just really perplexed me.

Okie dokie, back to recruiting!

Another reason I distrust Western medicine.

A few years back, I worked in Staffing at a major hospital.

Because I was the young whippersnapper on staff, I got stuck with the task of retrieving passwords for employees for the internal job posting site.

So one day, I get a message from one of the staff nurses who needs a password reminder so she can apply for another position at the hospital.

I check in the system and her password was - I shit you not - BLACKDEATH.

Despite the really excellent health plan and stellar reputation of this organization...let's just say I did not avail myself of their services very often.

JST/HNAR - Part Whatever: "I've lost count"

I think my initial attempts to sort of structure this into categories has long since fallen by the wayside, so until I figure out how to tag this thing, I'm not going to worry it. The lack of common sense I witness daily is too monolithic to slap a label onto (until, of course, I figure out the labels).

Anyway, today's resume tidbit, from candidate's "Work Experience" section (identifying details, obviously, altered to protect...well, actually, me. I could get fired for this stuff):

"Big Nameless University - August 2006
Research Assistant

Big Tech Company - January 2005
Job Offer

Another Tech Company - April 2000 - April 2001
Head Widget Counter"

So I was going to continue reading when in my head I heard that overused sound effect of needle scratching on record. (The record playing, incidentally, was "The Girl from Ipanema Goes to Greenland" but really that's neither here nor there.)

Let's back up a minute. This candidate lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE?

(And let me clarify: based on her recent position as Research Assistant, you might be thinking that this is some recent college grad just finishing her bachelor's and her enthusiasm to include a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE should be excused as we would excuse her sparkly nail polish and pen with fluffy maribou on the end. But no! This is a person who has been in the real-live work force with real-live professional positions for almost 15 years.)

And not only does she list a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (which is, effectively, like saying someone grabbed your ass once so you are good in bed), she lists a JOB OFFER under her WORK EXPERIENCE (no, I'm not going to stop shouting it) in the midst of a FOUR YEAR GAP in professional experience.

Now, if she had just left the gap there alone (or maybe inserting some demure comment about taking time off for schooling or family or world travel or volunteer work or whatever), I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Well, I mean, I WOULD have thought twice, I am paid to think twice. But I would NOT have thought she was a loon.

But she included a JOB OFFER in her WORK EXPERIENCE (that's the last one) so now I just think she is a loon. DELETED.

Actual Unfortunate Names, Episode Two

The names off some recent resumes have me a little puzzled.

Q: Why would you name your child either Lucifer or Little?

My Only A: Because you didn't want to have a child and you resent him for existing?

I mean, for reals. Why would you do that? Apple and Moses Paltrow-Martin would hear these names and run and kiss their parents for not being THAT cruel.

Poor little Lucifer better learn how to fight - and quick.

And poor little Little...well, he needs to learn how to fight, too, but he also better hope against hope that he grows up to be 6 foot plus, 250 lbs of muscle and...um...well, otherwise not-so-little, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. Or else I see a lifetime of reeeeaaaalllllly ugly break-ups in his future, as the future ex-girlfriends already have a head start on nasty parting comments.

Not so much an unfortunate name...

...but do you think a candidate with the first name "Wanwan" has to sit through endless meetings with a tight smile as people make terrible puns about "wan-wan solutions?"

Or is it just me that makes the terrible puns?

I'm deeply ashamed of myself, Reader, I'm sorry. I'll do better.

Are you [redacted] kidding me?

From a recent e-mail (emphasis added to highlight the gumption. The gumption!!!)

"Hello Ill-Suited,

I'm currently in the job market looking for a [redacted]related job. I've seen some posting on BigJobBoard for Big Nameless Corporation. Please assist in finding an opening position that fits my previous work experience. Attached is a copy of my resume."

Sure.

Right after I stop by to pick up your dry-cleaning. Do you need me to wipe your ass for you while I'm over?

(*Delicately mopping beads of righteous indignation from brow.*)

OK, let me explain something to you.

I appreciate how difficult it might be for you to keep it in your pants when you see a real live luscious e-mail address associated with a posting for a company you want to work for.

And I also appreciate you might not have the qualifications for the particular position posted but don't want to pass up the opportunity to use that lovely little e-mail address.

All right then, fine. But if you are going to send this kind of message, please try to remember what makes the world go 'round - namely:

What's in it for me?

Why should I assist you with finding a job? We've already established you're not going to help me fill the position that I DO have advertised.

Should I just assist you out of the goodness of my heart? Well, I DON'T HAVE ONE. Or, I do, but it's black and shrivelled, so scratch that as an option.

Maybe I have other, unadvertised positions that you might be a fit for? Or a counterpart who is looking for someone with your background?

OK then, SAY THAT. Maybe, Forrest Gumption, you are thinking, "Well, isn't that implied? I mean, isn't a candidate with any common sense really thinking that when he/she sends such a message?"

Yes. A candidate with any common sense WOULD be thinking that. The thrust of this entire blog, however, is that common sense is a quality is shockingly absent from many candidates. So at this point, if you do not actively demonstrate your common sense, a recruiter is most likely not going to assume you have it.

So SPELL OUT why on earth I should take the five minutes from my already over-scheduled workday to carefully read your resume and ponder which other positions you might be a fit for rather than just sending you to DO THE SAME DAMN THING on the company's website.

Another thought: howsabout telling me you have a colleague who IS a good fit for the job I have advertised and that you are going to alert them to this opportunity? Oh, and NOW can I help you find another position that might be good for you?

Well, NOW, I actually am feeling charitable. Helpful. Happy to review your resume and do you a solid as you just did for me.

HAPPY [REDACTED] MONDAY!!!

"Too good to pass up."

This is what a candidate's e-mail subject line told me he was.

Oh, reeeeaaaaallllly? (All my Contrary Mary hackles are fluffed.)

Look, kids, I know that when you got your MBA from www.MBAs-fer-U!.com, they told you about marketing yourself and yada yada yada.

But seriously. "Too good to pass up"? What are you, a zero percent interest rate on the last of the 'o6 models?

Well, you might be too good to pass up, but you are not too good for this.

Again: email? Still free.

So please for the love of all that is right and good in the world...during the job-seeking process DO NOT use your address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" with (wait for it) the number 69 stuck in there for good measure.

And, if you DID have the good sense to leave it off your resume...if I am in the process of phone screening you, and ask you for your e-mail address, JUST LIE. LIE and tell me you need to set one up and then go set up an innocuous sounding account on yahoo or hotmail or whatever and call me back. Please please please DO NOT start spelling out your e-mail address containing the phrase "Meltz in Yo Mouth" + 69 to me over the phone because I already took one shower today and now I need to go take another.

Skeeved! (*Shudder!*)

I'm a little envious...

...that I don't have any stories for you at quite this level of...well, sorry to be biting Gawker, but there's really no other words to describe this but douchebaggery.

So it is written; so it shall be done.

On Friday, I spoke thusly:

"This week TRULY put the 'ill' in ill-suited."

And so of course now I am actually truly ill.

Nevertheless, no rest for those who are paid hourly and don't get sick time, so still recruiting. But what little energy my tiny mitochondria are able to squeeze out is completely taken up by the simply completing my tasks, so I have nothing left over with which to reflect upon (and get irritated by) said tasks.

(Sweet fancy corn how many prepositions were in that paragraph? I can't count that high.)

Anyhoodle, in short: I am even more tedious and boring than ever.

So here's something more engaging. This is a) a pretty awesome little project and b) what, when I am functioning at capacity, I am normally fantasizing about when being/talking to the corporate drones.

Ten bucks says this is the office close-talker...

...and that he's always slinking into people's cubes to give unsolicited shoulder rubs.

From a cover letter (emphasis added for extra cringing power):

"My qualities I am sure would fit into any job description and will also help others to be motivated and bring a loving, positive atmoshere into any enveroment rather it be slow or fast paced."

And I'm just not even going to bother anymore with my whole spell-check/grammar-check campaign. I give up. You hear me? You've broken me, Candidate, you've broken my will to nitpick. I hope you're happy.

Then can I have your job?

Candidate's resume objective:

"My goal is to find a job in the work industry."

Does this mean she is currently employed in the NO-work industry? Like, the Rest Industry? Mattress-tester? Does such a job exist? Can I have it? I've been searching my whole life for a job OUTSIDE the work industry. Maybe she and I can work out a swap.

Then again, maybe she's been working at the same place as this candidate.

P.S. No joke: this candidate's e-mail address contains the phrase "Sleepy Head." Mattress tester might be for reals.

To close out the week...

...there are just a few things I have to get out of my system. Then I will take a scalding, blasting, "Silkwood"-esque shower and spend two days playing with fluffy kittens and chasing butterflies and mentally undressing Chris Noth and otherwise regaining some sense of actually being a flesh and blood human being after five straight days of being nearly bludgeoned to death with things like this:

"Viewed as a resource throughout the organization and across various sectors; serves as a consultative partner to client groups, integrates technical expertise/experience, business objectives and industry factors..."

Also, Fancy-Pants Business Folk, security actually will NOT escort you from the building if you successfully resist the urge to bulk up your resumes and/or job descriptions with the Dreaded Groups of Threes, i.e., phrases containing multiple versions of what is effectively the exact same concept:

"...improve productivity, increase efficiency and streamline efforts..."

"...as determined by program, project or assignment..."

"...applies knowledge, expertise and understanding..."

Are these people Charles Dickens? Is someone paying them by the word? Are they actually beat poets, adding all this extra language because in their head, there's a bongo rhthym that they are trying to match?

This week TRULY put the "ill" in ill-suited.

All right, people, that is IT, I am out of here for the weekend and if the circus comes through town, I might not make it back here Monday.

Holy crap.

"According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, after motor vehicle incidents, homicide is the leading cause of death in the workplace."

So I guess my short-tempered blog is really rather mild in response to workplace aggravation.

If I could give every job seeker only one piece of advice...

...it would be:

Don't do this.

I'm sorry and I take it all back.

I'm sorry, Entry-Level Candidate.

I didn't mean what I said and I want you back.

I want you back with your misspellings and your atrocious grammar and your questionable judgment.

Because those things, aggravating though they may be, do not make me want to get a fifty-pound bag of rice and run off alone into the Alaskan wilderness as does one day of reading professional-level resumes.

The acronyms. The dizzyingly complex job descriptions that do not seem to have any relation to real-world activity. The corporate-speak. The buzzwords. The sense that you are in "The Emperor's New Clothes" and what you have in front of you is not a page listing someone's professional history but rather a joke to see if you get that they are ACTUALLY SAYING NOTHING AT ALL.

The flashbacks to days-long meetings in stuffy conference rooms, watching someone READ VERBATIM EACH BULLET POINT off the projected PowerPoint presentation, talking about "implementing process improvements" and "change management" and in general taking three minutes to say what could have been said in one sentence, and, by extension, the "team" taking three days to make one simple decision. Which, because it was by committee, was generally the wrong one.

I think I prefer despairing over the educational system over despairing over the corporate system. Because the educational system is at least something I can vote on, I feel like I have a pretense of control.

But this other stuff...oh, Entry-Level Candidate, I didn't know how good I had it.

JST/HNAR - Part Five: "Only your mother cares..."

...that you won a certificate from Poetry.com.

...that you were a 4-H Champion - in 1978.

...that you were an extra on "Waterworld" in 1992 (and, actually, even your mother might be over that one).

So leave these kinds of things - all of which I have seen within the past week on actual resumes of actual adults looking for actual jobs - off your resume when you are applying for a totally unrelated job.

And, my professional opinion as a recruiter: we don't care about your hobbies, your interests or how many kids you have. Leave everything off your resume that doesn't pertain to your desired position.

The ONLY thing I would ever say would be okay to add (beside the usual legit stuff like employment, education, certifications, recent 4-H championships, etc.) is any volunteer work you did that pertains to your desired position. (Say, you are trying to break into a new career so you have done some unpaid work related to the field. Or you build the case for me that your 1978 4-H award is actually going to help you in this new job in 2006. THAT I might be interested to know about.)

The generic listing of totally unrealted hobbies/interest stuff with no link drawn to the position you are applying for, though? Sure lightening strikes every once in a while and you might happen to charm a hiring manager who is also into writing Bible verses on rice grains, but you might just be wasting the time of everyone else who isn't.

(And P.S. Can you just imagine how tedious the "Waterworld" extra must be at family gatherings?

"Did I tell you about the time Kevin Costner and I shared a fat-free muffin at the craft services table? It was cranberry."

And the rest of the family sighs and changes the subject. Again.)

JST/HNAR - Part Four: "Gloss"

(From the archives...)

While I appreciate this candidate's honesty...

"I didn't usually have much to do while I was at work...There were many times I was told to answer the phone so I would sit at a desk and wait for the phone to ring."

...I don't really anticipate I would ever be inspired to ring her phone after reading that on her resume.

"Sitting," waiting," and "not doing much" are generally never highly-sought-after skills in today's job market.

When your description of your job makes it seem like something a monkey could - quite literally - be trained to do, maybe an application of a slight gloss to your listing of job duties is in order.

You should never lie...but no matter how little there was to do in any position, certainly you can find more than the above to fill a two-sentence description.

Remember the old chestnuts...action verbs, showing how you took initiative, going above and beyond, blah blah blah. Yes, it's all a bunch of hooey, but that hooey is the currency of the job search, so start polishing it up.

Good news? Bad news?

So switching gears and recruiting for another level of position, professional as opposed to entry-level.

While I suspect this might be good news in the sense that I don't know how much more despairing over the state of the American educational system I could take...this might not be good news for the blog.

I know, I know, this makes the two people in the world who actually read this very sad.

Not, mind you, because I think people at the professional level are actually smarter. After all, it was always the executives and the vice presidents at First Nameless Corporation (where I lost my recruiting innocence) who would insist on saying "between you and I" (because, you know, only lower salary bands ever say the word "me" EVEN WHEN IT'S GRAMMATICALLY EFFING CORRECT) until I would collapse on the floor of the conference room clutching at my throbbing brain.

But they are, dagnabbit, generally more savvy during the job search, and less likely to include the more obviously-questionable tidbits like e-mail addresses that hint towards their bedroom proclivities or run on for pages in e-mails about all the details of their personal lives. In other words, less aggravating to me as a recruiter, but also, sadly, less useful to me as a blogger.

Who knows, though? If the week's events have taught us one thing, it's that shockingly poor judgment cuts across all socio-economic groups. Maybe I am sounding an alarm for no reason.

At the least, I stockpiled a few choice items and can always return to the Tips as those are a constant no matter what candidate population you are dealing with. Bear with me, Dear Reader(s) (all two of you...hi!!!*waving*), as we sort this out.

This is what happens when you recruit on MySpace.

You come across the phrase "I have a wide pallet when it comes to movies."

And you get so depressed about the state of the written language - which seems to be dying a quick but completely merciless and humilating death, a death those of us who care seem powerless to stop - that you take to your bed for the rest of the day.

Then again maybe I'm being melodramatic, and maybe he really meant that he's got a low, portable platform on which he keeps the wide variety of movies he enjoys.

It's time for another installment of "Email is free."

So save the one you've created containing the phrase "dom in training" for handing your resume over to the Dungeon Master at the Gothic Castle.

("Dom" = dominant partner in BDSM situation.)

But for your general resume seeking, say, an administrative position in the vanilla world? Use an e-mail that won't make the hiring manager half-distracted during the interview, listening to see if she can hear the latex squeaking underneath your business suit.

Someone has watched "Erin Brockovich" a few too many times.

Sum total of candidate's experience as listed on resume:

• Less than one year as cocktail waitress at [name redacted but take my word this time it's an actual titty bar and not just my filthy mind] Bar (where she is required to "enteract" [sic] with customers...is that what the kids are calling it these days?).
• Five months as a sales associate at a big box retailer (no double entendre intended).

What is her desired job title?

"Banking and finance attorney."

Now, I know that working at titty bars is a necessary evil - or not-so-evil, depending on your views - for many young women who are putting themselves through college. (Who could have anticipated this blog would have occasion to reference such establishments on a fairly regular basis?) So it's not to say that working at such a bar and a big box retailer are de facto clear signposts that one lacks the qualifications to make the leap to banking and finance attorney. However, there was a total lack of education listed on the resume, all of her experience was listed in one near-run-on sentence in one paragraph, she spelled "customer" "custumer" and used the phrase "Me and my co-worker helped them with their phones."

So let's just say I didn't get the feeling this is the resume of a Lifetime Television for Women story of the valedictorian who pasty-twirled her way through Stanford Law School.

Honey, by all means, dream big. Dream as big as your knockers!

That said, maybe there needs to be an interim step between cocktail waitress and banking/finance attorney. Like paralegal? Hell, like receptionist at the office NEXT to the law firm? How about some law school? And taking the bar?

These are just some ideas.

And, oh, yeah, spell-check.

Breaking! Candidate Does Something Right!

So I'm scrolling through resume snapshots and see a resume headline that says "Vampire looking for new blood supply!"

My ill-suited sense perks up, sensing I'm about to find some fresh form of idiocy to bring to you, Dear Reader.

I click on the link, all ready for my usual rush of superiority, when...

Oh.

It's a resume of a phlebotomist. You know, someone who draws blood.

So it's actually kind of appropriate, not just some moron trying to be goth.

While I'm generally not a fan of anything cutesy-poo in business (if I have to be fuddy-duddy, YOU have to be fuddy-duddy), when someone has specialized in something, has hard skills and needed to go through special education, there's a little more wiggle room for personality.

And beyond being appropriate to the career (albeit a little graphic, but hell, if you're in the healthcare industry, you're probably used to it), it's attention-getting. It made me click on it.

Soooo...good on ya, Phlebotomist! Unfortunately, I'm not hiring for that position right now, but the ill-suit wishes you good luck with your job search!

What college was that again?

Remind me never to recruit from there (see below from resume).

"Some College Coursework Completed
i just took general office classes,i didn't finish to get my degree,family issueswhich have been long since taken care of.i am only 3 credits short for gettin a degree in office tech/bussiness mangment classes."

Obviously one of the credits missing is "Rudimentary Grammar/Spelling 101."

Cubicle Death Match

From cover letter:

"At 51 years old, I have had many varied experiences that I feel would benefit any employer...I freely admit that I may be a little rusty, but, that would in no way be a detriment. It fact, it would cause me to focus more on what needs to be done. And, in this day and age, with our 'I want it now!' attitudes, I feel more people could use a little more focus."

I say why bother interviewing? Let's pit this dude against Ice Floe and who ever comes out alive gets the gig.

I'm not sure how you break into the accounting industry...

...but I have a feeling indicating a desired pay rate of $9/YEAR is not the best way to indicate to a potential employer that you are careful with numbers.

Well, Let's Just Put Them on an Ice Floe.

From an actual resume:

"Also, most of the staff in my department are old enough that their generation lacks the want to comprehend computers....I always find a way to make sure that they (no matter how computer illiterate they may be) understands what has happened before I leave."

Look, dude, having been the young gun in an office before, I kinda hear what you are saying.

But you know what those old folks might know that you clearly don't?

NOT TO INSULT A LARGE SEGMENT OF THE POPULATION IN YOUR RESUME.

Did you see something on the jobsite that indicated: "All the people will be viewing your resume will be younger than 50?"

Or did you assume that anyone old enough to be offended would be too "computer illiterate" to ever see your resume?

I have nearly no patience with people who can't figure out technology but I'll take "computer illiterate" over "total lack of common sense" nearly any day.

I "lack the want" to call you about this job.

Going to dunk head in cold water.

"Resume Headline: College grad wanting fun job that travels"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ahhhhh, youth. [Wipes away tears of laughter.]

It's not that it can't happen. One of my friends from high school has gotten precisely that life for herself. By being entrepreneurially-minded. By making it happen herself.

Youth = the serene trusting optimism inherent in thinking that making that your resume headline on Monster will get you that life.

As though there are recruiters and hiring managers in a corporate conference room somewhere, exhausted, rumpled, surrounded by coffee cups and bottles of water, one of them saying:

"How on EARTH are we going to attract job seekers? How are we going to fill these positions? I mean, they're just FUN. And involve TRAVEL. Who on earth is going to do THAT? For a PAYCHECK? Can somebody go check Monster again?"

Sits down dejectedly, tossing down the flip chart marker.

"Talk Like a Pirate" Day is Over

Please update your resume accordingly.

"I feel that my qualifications for this position is that I have strong customer service skill due to me working with the public."

.

Me makes them walk the plank...argh!

(Yeah, this is a pretty weak entry but I haven't have enough coffee.)

JST/HNAR - Recurring Quickie: "E-mail is Free"

So don't use one that has the word "smutt" in it in your job application. Even if there is a modifying adjective that minimizes the impact. Just don't.

JST/HNAR - Quickie: "Aggressive" and "Competitive"

Not the best two words to use to describe yourself on your resume when looking for job involving customer service.

Oh sure, I get what you're driving at (you're a go-getter, you like to succeed), but there are better ways to put it (like, "I'm a go-getter who's driven to succeed") that don't make a recruiter or hiring manager think you're some vein-popping 'roid rage case who will pick up and throw his monitor at a customer if they don't upgrade to midsize so he can meet his quota.

JST/HNAR - Recurring Quickie 1: "E-mail is Free"

So on your resume, DO NOT USE your e-mail address that contains the phrase "koreanpimp."

Or, for that matter, "africanpimp" or "scandanavianpimp" or "klingonpimp."

Basically, unless you are applying for an internship with Velvet Jones, AVOID THE WORD "PIMP" DURING THE JOB SEARCH. Because it makes you sound like a jackass.

E-mail is free: get one that shows you have a clue what the work world is about.

(P.S. No one said you have to like what the work world is about, which, generally, means fuddy-duddyism. But that's what it is and so go start your own business if you don't like it. Might I suggest a convenience titty bar called "Kum & Go.")

Unfortunate Names, Episode One

Candidate's resume indicates she worked at the "Kum and Go."

Surprisingly, duties listed did not include pole dancing or pasty twirling. Rather, they seemed to indicate this is some kind of convenience store.

Quick Google search validates that the "Kum and Go" is in fact not only one convenience store with a really questionable name, but an entire CHAIN of them. (Those of you in the Midwest, I suppose this isn't news to you.) www.kumandgo.com (disappointingly SFW)

To which I say: wow. Well, I guess I'm the one with the filthy mind. Guilty! But still. Lordy.

It seems a shame, though, that this fantastic name was wasted on a convenience STORE. Because it's really just crying out to be used for a chain of convenience GENTLEMAN'S CLUBS. Like the McDonald's of titty bars. You Kum, you Go. And everything is plastic so it is easily hosed down each night.

And speaking of stripping-related entrepreneurship, the below product is a genius example of American capitalism on at least a couple levels. Technically SFW, but still might get you a funny look if your co-workers see it.

http://pleaserusa.com/pic/TIP-702-5cbg.jpg

JST/HNAR - Part Three: "File Under: Never"

Never.

Never.

Never.

Leave me a voicemail and follow up an hour later with an e-mail saying, "I haven't heard from you yet."

UNLESS

There is a time-sensitive issue (i.e., you are on the way to an interview and need to speak with me urgently) or I have actually indicated to you personally that I would be getting back to you within this abbreviated timeframe.

But, if I just called you about a job and you are just returning my call...my outgoing message says I will return your call in "one business day." The business world moves fast, but an hour is NOT "one business day". Four hours is not "one business day." "One business day" means if you leave a message at 12:00 PM on Friday, I will return your call by 12:00 PM on Monday. Unless Monday is a holiday, in which case, "one business day" is by12:00 PM Tuesday.

I will certainly try to call you back sooner than one business day if I can, but being vaguely petulant about not being called back immediately doesn't endear you to any recruiter.

That said, it is absolutely fine to follow-up a voicemail with an e-mail. Just read and re-read your message to make sure it comes off as eager and not entitled.

Do: "Hi! I left you a message this morning about the position you contacted me for, and wanted to follow-up with an e-mail to provide a clean copy of my resume [Note: Great excuse for multiple contact, you're actually sending the e-mail to be helpful!] and just express again how excited I was to hear from you! This opportunity sounds perfect..." blah blah blah. (I know, it's a little hokey, but I'd rather someone attributes their behavior to over-enthusiasm than to some short-coming on the part of the recruiter.)
Don't: "I left a message for you this morning [Note: at 6:00 AM my time - my location is in my signature, do the math] but I haven't heard from you yet [it's now 9:45 AM my time, I've been at my desk for less than an hour and guess what: you are not the only candidate who exists]."

More soon!

"Bartendress?"

For reals?

Job Searching Tips, or How Not to Aggravate a Recruiter - Part Two: "I Can't Believe I Have to Say This, but...Spell Check."

This goes without saying, right? That one would spell check one's resume before submitting for actual employment?

No, Dear Reader, apparently it does not go without saying. Apparently it needs to be said every day on the nightly news or sent out regularly as a flyer to the populace. That or else we all just officially stop giving a shit and decide if everyone else is wearing sweatpants to the office, hell I will too. I'm just going to stop worrying about the red squiggle, stop trying to remember how many s's there are in "occasionally," stop mumbling "i before e..." under my breath when spelling "receive. "Why bother? No one else cares. I'm just going to stop washing my hair and flossing too. So here's my resume and I don't care enough about employment to run this single page document through the five seconds of spell check.

But no! Slippery goddamn slope and if we give up on spell check eventually the economy WILL grind to a halt. You know, we are LIVING in a SOCIETY!

Spell check your goddamn resume and your goddamn cover letter. For that matter, spell check every single e-mail you send out to a prospective employer. You want a job? Care.

If you already do all this, thank you for the bottom of my shriveled heart. Well-written employment correspondence IS noticed and appreciated.

Why is your name misspelled on your own resume?

And I don't mean a typo, I mean, misspelled.

Kelly for Kellie. How do you make that mistake?

I guess if you are also a person who spells "dialer" "dailer" and "established" "establised" and "receiving" "recieving," it's to be expected.

(I guess the real question is: why the hell did I call this person in the first place? Answer: daily quota. Daily quota, contract position tied to performance. )

She also was responsible for "troubling shooting." Really, is there any other kind?

OK, Kellie/Kelly has inspired our next installment. Stay tuned.

Job Searching Tips, or, How Not to Aggravate a Recruiter - Part One: "Consider Your Audience"

I am, unfortunately, not indepedently wealthy. Therefore, I work for a living. My job is as a recruiter. A recruiter NOT a head-hunter, so quit yer bitching about head-hunters who done you wrong. I don't do that, I just screen people for particular positions.

I encounter some recurrent irritations in my interactions with The Public, aka, Great Unwashed. Sometimes I am hard up enough to continue to consider a candidate despite them, but for the most part, I feel these reflect a general lack of common sense or innate intelligence. Although it's certainly debatable whether most jobs in corporate America actually require either common sense or innate intelligence, let's just say if Candidate A has them and Candidate B does not, and they are otherwise evenly matched...Candidate B is getting a brush off e-mail.

So here's Part One of an infinite-part series about how to not jackass yourself out of a decent job.

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A JOB, NOT A THERAPIST, SYMPATHETIC EAR OR FRIEND.


The recruiter does not care about extraneous personal details about your life.

Oh, sure I know there are some recruiters, those sweet midwestern girls named Heather and Amber who have 2.2 kids and a golden lab and go to church every Sunday, who might actually give a shit about the intricacies of your childcare schedule. But for every ten of them, there's one of me: a horrible, black-hearted misanthropic little troll who doesn't have the slightest interest in hearing about any of it. Of course, I NEED to know if there are hours you can't work, and I don't mind hearing briefly about why...but this is business, not a koffee klatch, so seriously. Just shut up.

In response to a query regarding your availability:
Do: "I can't work past 6:00 PM due to my childcare situation."
Don't: "Oh, see, we both work, and my husband works nights and my little boy is done with his childcare at 4 PM and see it's just me, we don't really have family in this town, and it's extra cost to leave him after hours..."


In response to a query regarding your planned relocation to the area in which the job is located:
Do: "I'm sorry, I realize I applied for this position, but I've realized that I cannot relocate in the near term due to a medical situation. Please keep my resume on file and I will touch base when I am able to consider positions in the area again."
Don't: "Yes I want to relocate to the area, but I must be truthful with you. I found out that I have to have a operation on my left shoulder because I have a torned rotor cup (ouch)! I need a new start because I have had several deaths in my immediate family. I have lost three family members. My father I lost just over a year ago; we were very close and it is very hard; I still miss him. Even though I have to have this procedure, I still would like to be considered for a position in your company. Please keep my paperwork and I will keep you abreast of what's going on with me."

(The second is something I have actually received. In response to a one-line e-mail. I do not know this person. And "torned?")

Thank you. Tune in soon for more shit to not do.

My gay husband has a boyfriend...

...and a real job so I guess I better start a blog.